Shame, guilt

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have had a preliminary protective order with no contact allowed from uPBDh for 18 days now. He's been compliant. Only contact has been legal, which was draining our joint bank accounts and a notification from USPS he changed his address. I've been trying not to ruminate, take care of myself and 16D, and move on. T yesterday and it brought up a point of shame. I said I'm not past the guilt. I feel like I should be there for him to help him through this. In case you haven't followed my story, uBPDh has been threatening and emotionally abusive. Hospitalized twice now in past 2 months for self-harm ideation (parasuicidal). T asked if he was beating me up physically, would I still be saying he is in pain and a good person underneath who I want to help get well? I didn't answer. But the answer at this point I believe is yes. That's a tremendous source of shame for me. I know in my head I need to detach and do things to make me happy. But emotionally I'm attached and am still doing things to self-punish and isolate. This s is hard. Next hearing is 9/9 for extending the order. I know I don't want to live with him like this. I need to detach with love. I wish I felt it too.

[uniquename]

I have had a preliminary protective order with no contact allowed from uPBDh for 18 days now. He's been compliant. Only contact has been legal, which was draining our joint bank accounts and a notification from USPS he changed his address. I've been trying not to ruminate, take care of myself and 16D, and move on. T yesterday and it brought up a point of shame. I said I'm not past the guilt. I feel like I should be there for him to help him through this. In case you haven't followed my story, uBPDh has been threatening and emotionally abusive. Hospitalized twice now in past 2 months for self-harm ideation (parasuicidal). T asked if he was beating me up physically, would I still be saying he is in pain and a good person underneath who I want to help get well? I didn't answer. But the answer at this point I believe is yes. That's a tremendous source of shame for me. I know in my head I need to detach and do things to make me happy. But emotionally I'm attached and am still doing things to self-punish and isolate. This s is hard. Next hearing is 9/9 for extending the order. I know I don't want to live with him like this. I need to detach with love. I wish I felt it too.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi UN-

I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very painful and difficult.

Have you looked at the difference between shame and guilt?  We feel guilt when we believe we did something bad or wrong, we feel shame what we believe we are bad or wrong.  Your feelings of guilt are understandable, as is the conflict between your head and your heart that most of us feel coming out of these relationships.  And do you really feel you are bad?  That distinction can be key, and making it accurately can help with your detachment, self-punishment and isolation, what do you think?

[Mutt]

Hi uniquename,

I know in my head I need to detach and do things to make me happy. But emotionally I'm attached and am still doing things to self-punish and isolate.

Don't be hard on yourself. It's an honest and true feeling. Many people have a difficult time looking at their feelings with honesty. Not bad. What do you do for self care?

[uniquename]

Thank you both. Yes, I'm familiar that shame and guilt are different. Working my way through "Stop Caretaking the Borderline" and it lays it out pretty well in the last chapter I read. Onto Self Confidence now! It's funny after I wrote this I read that first we change our behaviors and our thoughts and our feelings come last. So I guess I'm on the right track - behaviors (check), thoughts (getting there), feelings (on deck).

So guilt for me is not being there for him. But I am trying hard to remember that I am doing things for him - he's on my health insurance, I'm paying his bills, I have contacted his mental health professionals to give input. And then I realize too that he is not showing any guilt for not taking care of me or 16D, in fact actively hurting us both.

The shame comes mostly from realizing how long I let this go on. How I feel I can't explain it to people without being judged. How I feel incompetent at work. I feel like a fraud a lot. I feel selfish. I feel the need to be externally validated, liked and so on. Again, the latest chapter addresses all this and I hope to work to positive thoughts and affirmations. Validating myself. My hobby brings me a lot of joy and I totally relaxed tonight at a back to school event and a hobby group meeting.

It's funny that sometimes my self-care is doing things well - sometimes doing the dishes makes me feel better or cleaning the counters. It's something I didn't do before we were separated and makes me feel like I can take care of myself.

I have plans to hang with some friends from work Saturday night. I am looking forward to church on Sunday and another hobby group meeting. I'm doing better than this morning but mornings going to work seem to be the hardest. I'll make a conscious effort to build myself up more in that regard. My co-workers are so supportive I think it's impostor syndrome and not real that I am not good at my job.

Thanks again for the responses. I know I'm one of the tougher cases. Those of us leaving long-term relationships, especially with kids, (and I likely have FOO BPD/NPD patterns too) seem to be a bit of our own breed. It's all such a roller coaster. I have to remember to enjoy the good times and they will eventually come more often.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel selfish. I feel the need to be externally validated, liked and so on. Again, the latest chapter addresses all this and I hope to work to positive thoughts and affirmations. Validating myself.

Exactly.  What we need coming out of these relationships is empathy, validation and compassion, things that were usually sorely lacking in the relationship.  So leaning on some good external validation until we relearn to validate ourselves is what friends are for yes?  And selfishness gets a bad rap, but really, if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give.  Truth.

I know I'm one of the tougher cases.

Not even.  And what if everything happens for a reason and it serves us, and you're exactly where you're supposed to be?  What if that were true?

Enjoy those hobby groups all the way!

[pallavirajsinghani]

I know I'm one of the tougher cases.

No darling (may I call you darling?   I am a mother of two teenagers and your post has brought out the good maternal protective instinct in me).  You are not a tough case.  You are not a "case" to us at all.  You are a valuable human being us to us who has undergone a traumatic experience and are dealing with its after-effects.  If you were not feeling this way, you would not be human.

When I go through turbulent situations and emotions, I center myself very deliberately.  The following is a description of what I do and perhaps a regular practice of something similar may help you regain equilibrium. 

I start thinking of myself as an artist.  I tell myself that my job is to collect good memories.  And these are the good memories I am going to create for myself.  I start with small sensations.  I bring myself again and again to deliberately become aware of the physical sensations around me.  I say,  "Ummmm look how nice the sky looks... .Oh look at that tree... .the wind is making the leaves dance a waltz... .this pen feels strong and hard under my hand... .look I can create such beautiful letters with it... ."  I change my awareness from a person who is talking negatively to herself in her own head, to a person who is observing the outside physical world and putting a positive filter on it.

Then continuing on the same vein, I deliberately choose as to whether it would give me more pleasure to have a cup of coffee or a cup of tea... .then I go on deliberately deciding the strength of it, then deliberately deciding where to sit where it would please me the most... .

At first this exercise seems so artificial and hokey... .but soon it catches on and the fake it till you make it idiom comes true.  Trauma of any type burns out the pleasure centers of our brain... .the synapses probably literally break down.  So the principles of neuroplasticity dictate that what is once broken, with practice, can be repaired.

Depending upon how strong the wound to my psyche is, it may take me 15 minutes, 15 days, 15 weeks or 15 months or 15 years... .but joy does return.

I can promise you if you start looking at a flower truly and deeply, or at a painting or listen to a piece of music... .the joy will begin to seep back in into you.

... .and you are not alone... .we are a powerful and strong community here... .and we are quite a formidable force of healing... .

[Thread]

It's hard to leave. Because we all are running on empty with these relationships.

Hugs 

[VitaminC]

Dear Unique,

I know I'm one of the tougher cases.

No way. As others have said, no way at all.

  pallavirajsinghani  wrote a really heartful reply there and I'm going to do the exercise too.

As for the shame you feel, I hear you. I felt that too, for so long. And many of us here know the difficulties of trying to explain to someone outside what's happening in the relationship and to find reasons for why we don't just pi** off. On paper, it's simple.

I'm going to echo  FHTH here: "What we need coming out of these relationships is empathy, validation and compassion, things that were usually sorely lacking in the relationship.  So leaning on some good external validation until we relearn to validate ourselves is what friends are for yes?"

Lean for a while, and others lean on you too, and eventually we all stand up a little straighter all by ourselves and only need to lean occasionally.  It sounds like you're doing a lot of good work with the reading, and hobbies, and realising that simple things like cleaning are a therapeutic act of self care. Absolutely. Things are what we make them.

Keep posting. I think I will learn a lot from you

[uniquename]

Great tips. Y'all made me cry for the first time in a couple weeks. I needed that. It's a long process.