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swe_bpd

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« on: August 25, 2016, 02:52:12 PM »

Hi to all of you.

I am a guy form Sweden who are in a strong belief that my girlfriend of 18 years are suffering form BPD
Our story is really complicated and not something that is told easily and not in five minutes.

To begin with all was very normal but quite soon I realized something was not as I was used to.
She started saying bad things about my friends, making statements about girls I knew, and so on.  She even said very bad things about my parents and sister.
After a while I started to distance my self from my friends and family since they were not good enough for her. Strangely enough she came from a very poor and twisted background and I am from a much better standard.
But I was massively in love and I had put her on a pedestal so all she said I listened to.

When we had been together for about a year she said to me that she was bi-sexual and were thinking about acting out this dream. Without me and on her own.
She asked me to pick one of her friends that I liked and that she could do it with.
Much later I learned that this was all a test to see which of her friends I liked and found sexually attractive.

I did not like the idea she had but went along with it.
She asked me to start looking for other girls on line and that then started a very bad spin.

To me it was a great relief to talk to all these girls on line and some of them I told about how I felt.
Some of them wanted to meet me over a coffee but I only did that once and felt like the worst person in the world about it. I had "cheated" I had met and talked to a girl behind my girl friends back.

Eventually she found out and then all hell broke loose. She has since that day always thrown that in my face.
I have unfortunately talked to other girls after that since it made me feel OK for the time being and she have found out about that too.

So now, all I say and do is bad, all I make is wrong. She is controlling every step I take. She has even had a GPS tracker on me.
She are happy one minute and angry the next. She is extremely jealous and acts violently with regards to this.

She is always fighting with our 15 year old twin daughters and drops down to their level and screams and makes violent threats.

I think she also suffers from obsessive compulsory disorder since everything have to be perfect. The house needs to be as clean as a hospital, the car is the same.
There are not many days of our 18 years she have worked. When I push her to get a job it only takes a few weeks until she gets fired.

There is so much I can say but I think I need to stop there for now.

What can you give me as advice.

I am seriously thinking about leaving her. I am always sad and I did not use to be like that.
The only time I am happy is when I am away without her but that only last for about 10 minutes then she calls and starts a fight.

Grateful for your advice
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Conundrum
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 316


« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2016, 04:02:33 PM »

Welcome to the board swe_BPD. Many here have/are experiencing similar relational situations. You sound as if you are feeling a bit trapped. There have been times when I've felt that way in my relationship with my pwBPD too. It's akin to the feeling of drowning, wanting to reach the surface--but seemingly never getting there.

According to your description, it sounds as if your wife might benefit from structured therapy. I'm in the U.S., but my rudimentary understanding of your country is that there is a highly advanced nationalized social health services system in place. Has she availed herself and sought out any professional help?

Concerning, one of the reasons dysfunctional relationships remain stuck in toxic goo--bringing everyone (involved) down--often it is because the untreated disordered person worms their way into Captaining the ship. It is an insidious process propelled via maladaptive toolsets. The people on this board can assist in suggesting tools that may allow you to right that ship.

None of us possesses the power to change or heal our pwBPD. Nor is it our obligation. Recovery/healing from disorder is the pwBPD's obligation. We can be supportive, but not their agent of change.

There are a plethora of tools described within the articles on this site, coupled with advice from the esteemed members--offering gobs of collective wisdom concerning how to better manage life with a pwBPD.

Keep on posting. This is a perfectly safe place to vent. Other members will offer their assistance. I wish you well.
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howard

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Posts: 30


« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2016, 03:00:40 AM »

After 8 years of dealing with the same patterns BPDs dish out, I say distance yourself emotionally NOW. If you do it and they are seeing you are not jump through hoops for them, they might leave you. AND THEN, let them go.

You will be so much better off. And if they do not leave then work out how you will. They cannot change. They will just keep hurting and they really do not care about hurting you since they hurt so much. It is very sad but we only have a short time on this planet and we should not have to live in hell. We are not martyrs. I have lived most of the last 8 years trying so hard but over the last few years I have gradually realized that it just could not go on. If they are willing to get help them maybe but I really do not think they can love us back the way we deserve. They are not equipped. They behaviors are well engrained and we cannot be their parents to retrain them how to live like adults or to know how to show TRUE love that is not then yoyo -ed around. The shorter you have this relationship the better as you will not have as many deep scars that will be inevitable the more you stay.
Good luck but seriously I wish someone told me this years ago and if they did I really wish that I would have been able to listen. That honeymoon period you had, IS OVER. Trust me.
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swe_bpd

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2016, 04:36:04 AM »

Thank you for the advices.

Like i described in my first post I am not sure if she suffers from BPD since I have no diagnose. I base my thoughts on how she acts and what I have read.
But one thing is true. The relationship is definitely an emotional roller-coaster.

Let me describe two things that happened over the past days.

One morning after a stormy day that became a real nightmare she came to me wanting a hug.
She said, "this is the feeling I want. Love and that you and me are a team".
The day before was a massive fight since she had decided to clean the house, and I mean EVERYTHING in the house!
This lead to that I had to stop and cancel all my plans for my day since she demanded that I helped.
Then when I did, nothing I did was good enough. So she went after me to do what I had done all over again.
Obviously that annoyed me since if she were to do it all over again, why did I do it in the first place.

So the morning after she hugged me and was very loving... .30 minutes later she raged over the fact that I had stuff to attend to that did not involve her.

Yesterday she called when I was away asking me why I never came up with romantic things do do with her.
I said as it is, when I have time, money and feel it is a good time, I will.
She went through the roof stared yelling at me that it is all about me all the time and that I never care about her an her feelings.
I went into defence mode and said that if she had a job and were contributing in a normal way it would be much easier.
She hung up on me and after a few minutes came a text that she hated me. Then she game me the silent treatment for the rest of the day.
In the evening I could tell she expected me to apologize and give her my attention.

To me this is not the way a grown couple should treat each other.
I might be wrong and that is why I am asking.
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swe_bpd

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2016, 05:42:15 PM »

I just don't know what to do or think anymore... .Maybe it's me that is crazy...
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Jessica84
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 940


« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2016, 01:13:17 PM »

Hi swe_BPD. You are not crazy and you are not alone. Sorry you are having a difficult time with your partner. You've found the right place to sort out your own feelings as you make sense of this disorder. Reading the lessons on the right side of the screen is the best place to start. There's no magic fix, but learning how to communicate with her differently can go a long way in calming things down. For me, understanding what I was dealing with was 90% of the battle. The other 10% was figuring out how to deal with it. There is hope.  

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swe_bpd

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2016, 01:45:49 PM »

Hi Jessica

Thank you for your advice.
After a few rough days I think I have hit the limit.
We have had many years of fighting and arguments but I honestly think both my children and me deserves a better life.
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livednlearned
Retired Staff
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2016, 10:55:59 AM »

I just don't know what to do or think anymore... .Maybe it's me that is crazy...

Hi swe_BPD,

It's very hard for people with BPD to move on emotionally. Sometimes, when our guilt is high, we fan the flames and give them a target for ruminating. She regulates her emotions externally, so presenting detachment on this issue will eventually remove a favorite target for her emotions. It helps to learn how to validate feelings because this can, in certain situations, prevent them from becoming too emotionally aroused.

She is not experiencing reality in a stable, healthy way. We sometimes have to pull the ripcord by neutralizing the energy that emotionally arouses them, and this means changing the way we respond.

"I've said all there is to say" is ok to say if she cannot let it go. Her behavior may get worse initially, because you are removing a familiar dynamic, one she can use to regulate her intense emotions.

You may need to prepare yourself and your daughters to take a time-out until your wife can get emotionally regulated.

Gather information and learn the lessons to the right. It's a lot to take in, though there is a path through it all, and people who are here to walk with you as you learn.

LnL

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