Just sharing my story...

[Tauremehtar]

Hi everyone.

Life has been an interesting journey. I am a 27 year old who is trying to continue to break free from the shackles of an abusive relationship with a parent. Maybe even possibly both parents. I have been going in and out of therapy for the past few years because of not being able to afford it, but luckily I am finally in a place in my life where I can seek the help I need. I have found a therapist that I like and trust.

Over the past years of therapy, I have been informed that my mother was narcissistic, however, it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that my current therapist mentioned that my mother has traits of BPD with narcissistic tendency. Me being the type of person that tries to research anything that catches my interest, I began to read everything I could get my hands on. During that processes I stumble upon many sites that made my jaw drop. It finally made sense! Everything that they described was exactly what I lived through. The things that a child of a BPD parent feels and struggles with is exactly what I feel and struggle with! I shared a little description of a child of a BPD parent to my fiance and he was stunned too. It was me! With that being said, here is a bit of what I had to go through.

I am technically considered a refugee child. My family immigrated to America because of communism back in the 80's. Or at least that is what they say... .What I learned as a young child (about 7 or 8) is that my mom ran away from her husband because he cheated on her. She took my half sister and my dad and stayed at a refugee camp for two years before they came to the states. I was the major oops that was born in the refugee camp. Apparently my mom was told by my dad that he could not have children because of an accident when he was a child... .keep in mind that I was about 8 when I was told this.

Around the time I was 7 or 8 my parents were trying to go through a divorce which technically happened when I was 2 but my parents still lived together. Man, the fights were brutal. I mean physically brutal. My mom and my dad would physically fight and that would include my sister too. I remember there being times when my sister would grab me and hide me so that I wouldn't see the fist fights. Eventually, my mom ended up in the mental hospital because of suicide attempts. I tried to go visit her a couple of times when I was 7. Apparently, she had shock treatment at that time. Or at least that's what she would tell me when I was 9 and continue to remind me for many years blaming my father. My sister ended up in the hospital too for suicide. Thats when my mom found out that my dad was raping her. That was fun to hear when I was 8 or 9.

The custody battle between my mom and my dad at that time was a bad one. I was in the middle and each parent confided in me. All I could do is listen and try to console them. How I felt and how it affected me was out of the picture. During the custody battle my dad was angry and he took his anger out on me. I remember being beaten because I didn't clean my closet well enough. Beaten badly enough that it was painful to sit at my desk in school the next day. On the other hand my mom was so depressed that I had to keep building her up to make sure she got up to go to work the next day. She would leave early and I would get ready in the morning by myself and walk myself to school. My sister by this time lived out on her own dealing with her own demons. I unfortunately had to live with my mom and go back and forth between houses scared me out of my mind. I worried that I was going to be rapped too because of my father and the stories my mother shared. While my dad told me how unfit and unstable my mother was... .he was right though... .but he wasn't fit to be a parent either... .I was SO depressed that I remember wanting to kill myself when I was 9. I remember walking home from school thinking of ways to protect myself if I was abducted by my father.

By the time I was a preteen my mom met someone new. She was starting to turn her life around. The custody battles were still going on but they have calmed down a bit. Mom was happy because she found a new love in her life. Well... .when I was 13 he decided to molest me. I wont go into details since I am ashamed of how it happened. I feel as if I should have know better when in reality I am the one the one who shouldn't have had my boundary's violated. I should have been the one who was protected by my own mother when I told her not once, not twice, but three different times what he did to me. What did she do about it? She stayed with him and married him a couple of years ago. When Fathers day would come along she would tell me to go give him a kiss and wish him a happy fathers day. She told me that he is more of a father than my father was to me... .How disgusting is that? Neither one of them is like a father. One molested me and the other one blames me for not keeping in contact with him during the time I was depressed, suicidal, being molested and manipulated by a monster! Ie through the ages of 8-14!

When I got into my teens I would start to stand up to my mother but by this point her manipulation would get worse and worse if I didn't do what she wanted. If I didn't clean my room well enough to her liking then she would beat me and then cry profusely asking for forgiveness. If I didnt give her a kiss good night before I go to bed after I came home from hanging out with friends she would weak me up in the middle of the night making sure I was alive. If I didnt I made one mistake at a music concert she would cry hysterically saying that I embarrassed her. Of course in between all of these moments of hysteria there are moments of sanity. Those moments where you feel like you are a normal kid with your normal mom. The time when you have good deep conversations that show a little bit of interest to and sympathy which only ends up being thrown in your face later when she needs leverage.

It would be nothing but a mind f***. I would literally think I am crazy (still do at times but I am learning). That I am the one that's doing something wrong. That I am the one that sent her to the mental hospital again as a teen because I stood up to her and my voice trying to bust out is what caused her to end up in the hospital. That because I "yelled" at her she had to be committed.

There is so much more to tell and I am running out of characters... .My inner voice is busting at the seems. My soul begging for healing.

[Turkish]

Tauremehtar,

You sound like you have a good handle on what happened,  what was done to you,  not only physical incest but emotional as well,  by both parents sharing what they did (see here) for more .  Children should be insulated from adult issues.  :)espite what was done to you,  I sense that you are much stronger than either of them (or molesting step-dad from whom you definitely should have been protected).

What's your contact situation with everybody now?  

[Fie]

Hello Tauremehtar 

I would like to welcome you here. You are not alone. Many people here have at least one BPD parent, and will relate with what you are writing.
I have a mum who is uBPD, my dad has narcisist traits. His mum, my grandma is uBPD.  I don't see them very often anymore because I have decided to get out of the dysfunctional mess they had created together.

I am sure you will find a lot of support and comfort here, as I have. It's so good to know that there are people out there who actually know what you are talking about.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Tauremehtar!   

I'm really glad that you came here to our site and that you had the courage to make this first post.   Good for you! As your life comes into the light, you will be able to take more steps to healing. Thank you for including us in your life. There are so many others here who totally understand what you've gone through. Not all of us have experienced all of the abuse you have, but in one way or another, we've had to deal with a parent with BPD and another parent often with their own disorders, much like you've had to. My mom was an uBPD, and my dad had his own stuff also.

It's great that you are in T!  You mentioned your finace, so are you in the process of planning a wedding? Do you live on your own now? How often do you see either of your parents?

 
Two hugs for some really tough stuff!
Wools