What's going on everybody?
Hope everyone's doing well, hanging in there/staying positive. I just feel like checking in the my BPD fam, I've been missing my ex as of late, a lot to be honest and i feel posting here is the healthier thing to do than hitting her up. We were really close friends at one point, and now, i'm honestly terrified of her.
Terrified of being judged, wrote off, shamed, basically i'm afraid she will look at me and say wow, i was right about him, he is not worthy of me. I know that these fears run deep, and I try to replace these fears by knowing I am lovable. It's been a ride since the break up. October 2015. I guess what it was for me was i became addicted to the approval she would give me of the attention i would give her. It was almost like a full time job. When i broke it off (i wasn't in the best state when i broke it off) and she moved on so quickly, i literally was sitting there asking myself, what the f*** just happened? i had lost myself, i was lonely, i had nothing to do with my time.
So anyway, we kept in contact for a while, i was kind of obsessed with getting her back. I was so depressed. And nobody really knew what i was going through. i started seeing a therapist. I got to the bottom of a lot of things that happened to me growing up that had made me so afraid of getting close to her and letting her in. I felt like it was all my fault.
So, i met up with her (December '15) and told her all of this. i told her what had caused me to be so afraid of getting close. and that i really do care about her so much, she knew i still loved her, i wanted her back (told her a month earlier). And after i said i was open to getting back with her when we were both ready, she said she doesnt know... she isnt saying yes or no, she says she's not saying theres no chance. but not anytime soon.
From there it was mind games. I found out she was sleeping with/ idk what the he11 else it is, a guy ten years older who teaches yoga. This shot me down... hard. I was like thats it. That was early jan. Thats when i found this website. and realized how could she just replace me like that in just three weeks?
She would call me or text me once every three weeks or so. It was driving me nuts. She drunk called me once, i drunk called her. I was going nuts. I had to go NC. so i did (mid january '16). Blocked her on everything. phone, instagram, facebook. was really hard, but i knew that she didn't care about me or ever actually valued me as a person if she was able to move on to this douche so quickly. Really? ten years older? (were in our early twenties)
Two months later (early march '16)... .get a call, at night of course. She's drunk sad saying she thought we would always be there for each other. I handled it very well. However two weeks after that i called hr and wanted answers why she called me. Big mistake. she made it seem like it was nothing. she doesn't see me in a romantic way anymore. It f*ckin hurt like hell.
I was so damn depressed, again. Like she re-rejected me, re-shamed me. Like this new yoga zen master douche was way more of a man than me. (that's how i was thinking at the time). Anyway, tell her that same night its a good idea if we don't talk to each other, she said i'm here if you need me, i said i won't.
Block her again, three months of NC go by, my Verizon account automatically unblocks after 90 days. So her number was unblocked. so by this time its about june 20th. I'm at a bar dancing with a girl when i feel my phone ringing, its her. shocked again. text her say, "hey exBPD, cant talk whats up?" What ends up happening is we talk for a little, catch up, i pretend i haven't been thinking about her at all. She goes on to tell me all about her, how she's leaving the country for a year at the end of 2016. I really brag about what i got going on, my plans after college etc. i honestly was doing really well
Next day she texts me, saying i should come into her work. I'm surprised, like a hit of coke. Pretty excited. Like i matter again to her. But i know its a bad idea, i say yeah maybe
Don't talk to her for a while. month and half later she requests to follow me on Instagram. i delete it, don't want her looking at my pics and sh*t. Does it again about three weeks ago. i'm at a bar, i accept but don't follow back, really still don't want to look at her pics, how she's looking/doing etc. it would just still hurt a lot. So i guess this pissed her off, i actually have no idea what caused this, but she went through every single on of my pictures that she liked in the past, must have been at least thirty. and unliked all of them.
I felt like she now hates me or something idk. Have a feeling she's off talkin sh*t on me, idk why probably just paranoia. But any way, i blocked her on insta again. i don't want to feel like she's judging me.
Anyway, thats my story. felt good to rewrite it out. At times i do miss her. I was reading a bunch of sh*t about some MMA fighters i love like Eddie Alvarez and Conor McGregor and they were talking about their gf's who stuck with them and believed in them. This makes feel guilt for ending that r/s and that she could've been there for me and I for her. We were really tight nd i do miss her, but honestly i'm pretty afraid of her. she's hurt me bad and i know she still messes with yoga dude. So, thats about it. just working on rebuilding myself.
At the end of the day, what gets me is how i really thought what we had was something so unique, so special. She painted it like that and that's how i believed it. Then it hit me that that is what she does to all her guys, i guess. Cheers
Doing so much better than i was 6 months ago... time and self work and self love. Just wanted to share and get feedback. the floor is open feel free to post your experiences/insights/ anything you f*ckin want
. thanks guys and gals
-JC
