What is being spilt black?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Questions are pouring into my brain always but especially since Friday. I read about r/s's on the BPD archives and no and yes to most of the questions to indicate I was in a controlling abusive r/s. As if I need more proof. But she seems so normal in so many ways. She was so totally vicious to me and so different with her BF now. I read some people display BPD traits but don't necessarily have a PD. The parental assessment tests indicate very strongly she has a PD and would very likely carry this into her r/s's through out her life. She's not officially diagnosed.

So with that said. Why was I split black so bad so fast? I did some stupid things early in our r/s but for the greater majority I was a kind hard working dependable man. I am very nurchering and affectionate I am not scared to so my love. I am a co dependant so you know the roll I played. And I drank but haven't drank for many years. My good traits were stronger than my bad traits. She looked at me as such a human less moral less person. Her car broke down, it cost me 100$ tow bill, she complained about the tow truck I hired, it cost me $ 500 in parts. I got a thank you accompanied by 2 insults. She said she wanted to see the parts bill to make sure I don't mark up the price of the parts to much. What is that? I didn't even charge her for the parts. Another time I gave her extra money for s9's bday party, I always gave extra. For 5 years I gave $150 extra with only some kind of a resentful grunt like she was mad I made my payments. But on top of the extra I gave extra. Her remark for the extra $100 I gave for s9's bday was "are you going to deduct this from next months payment. I give extra for school clothes/supplies, winter cloths, extra for Xmas. I would work extra hours and give it to her. I'm a very soft person, it hurts me very much that she looks at me in such a way. I pride my self in being the best father/ provider I can be and she has this horrible way to make me feel like a dead beat. S9 wants a get away weekend, him and I. I have to work extra hours for the extra money, I get a letter from my lawyer saying my ex wants records of extra income. It only hurts s9 bc my extra money goes to doing things with him. We live in the country, a simple thing like going to the movies is a $200 touch. I don't have $200 floating around, I have to work extra to earn it. It is really getting to me, all of her awful ways. You would think I kept her locked up in the basement. WHY AM I THE BRUNT OF ALL OF THIS? I am s good father, I love my son, I just want to be left in peace and have the proper good quality time with s9.

[bus boy]

Questions are pouring into my brain always but especially since Friday. I read about r/s's on the BPD archives and no and yes to most of the questions to indicate I was in a controlling abusive r/s. As if I need more proof. But she seems so normal in so many ways. She was so totally vicious to me and so different with her BF now. I read some people display BPD traits but don't necessarily have a PD. The parental assessment tests indicate very strongly she has a PD and would very likely carry this into her r/s's through out her life. She's not officially diagnosed.

So with that said. Why was I split black so bad so fast? I did some stupid things early in our r/s but for the greater majority I was a kind hard working dependable man. I am very nurchering and affectionate I am not scared to so my love. I am a co dependant so you know the roll I played. And I drank but haven't drank for many years. My good traits were stronger than my bad traits. She looked at me as such a human less moral less person. Her car broke down, it cost me 100$ tow bill, she complained about the tow truck I hired, it cost me $ 500 in parts. I got a thank you accompanied by 2 insults. She said she wanted to see the parts bill to make sure I don't mark up the price of the parts to much. What is that? I didn't even charge her for the parts. Another time I gave her extra money for s9's bday party, I always gave extra. For 5 years I gave $150 extra with only some kind of a resentful grunt like she was mad I made my payments. But on top of the extra I gave extra. Her remark for the extra $100 I gave for s9's bday was "are you going to deduct this from next months payment. I give extra for school clothes/supplies, winter cloths, extra for Xmas. I would work extra hours and give it to her. I'm a very soft person, it hurts me very much that she looks at me in such a way. I pride my self in being the best father/ provider I can be and she has this horrible way to make me feel like a dead beat. S9 wants a get away weekend, him and I. I have to work extra hours for the extra money, I get a letter from my lawyer saying my ex wants records of extra income. It only hurts s9 bc my extra money goes to doing things with him. We live in the country, a simple thing like going to the movies is a $200 touch. I don't have $200 floating around, I have to work extra to earn it. It is really getting to me, all of her awful ways. You would think I kept her locked up in the basement. WHY AM I THE BRUNT OF ALL OF THIS? I am s good father, I love my son, I just want to be left in peace and have the proper good quality time with s9.

[Fr4nz]

Bus buy,

the simple truth is... .in one case she's just an awful person, in the other case she's disordered (hence, normal logic doesn't apply).

Be assured youre3 a wonderful person, her words are just nonsensical.

A big hug

[Leonis]

So with that said. Why was I split black so bad so fast?

I remember feeling like that when my ex first broke off the engagement this past April.

Now, I just take my ex's statements with a grain of salt. You can't prove anything when the other person is spending most of his/her effort to prove the opposite whilst convincing themselves that theirs is the true reality.

[Mutt]

Be assured youre3 a wonderful person, her words are just nonsensical.

Hi  Bus boy,

I can see how confusing that would feel when we give a lot to the partner in the r/s and we're split black and the pwBPD can't see our good virtues. A pwBPD cannot sustain a healthy r/s with adult emotional intimacy, when a pwBPD gets close to someone it triggers the disorder.

At the onset of the r/s a pwBPD have an image of us that is "all good" and we're put on a pedestal, that image slowly erodes and all that they can eventually see in the person is an image that is "all bad". A pwBPD have difficulties seeing us as an integrated whole. A good person has bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities. That said.

If you think about it a pwBPD will split people that they care about the most.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi bus boy-

It's difficult to hear those things and be confronted that way, especially when you're doing everything you can to be the best you can, I understand.

A few things going on with the "painted black".  Borderlines, and anyone with stunted emotional maturity, see things in black and white, there are no shades of gray.  So you are either good or you are bad, as Mutt mentions without the ability to integrate the good and the bad into a whole person.  Also, if she's feeling shame or guilt over whatever happened in the relationship, that doesn't feel good, so blaming you for everything is a way to offload those emotions so she doesn't have to feel them.  And then, there might be just regular frustration over whatever's happening in the moment, with the intense emotions and the inability to soothe them, characteristic of the disorder, so raging to release the energy seems like a good idea, at least it feels better.

And the only control you have over any of that is what you make it mean and how much you let it matter, which are skills that get better with practice; are you getting better at those?

[bus boy]

Hi fromheeltoheal, my skills are getting better. I use to get in such a mental mess, use to respond and defend, try to get her to see what she is doing. Now I have strong boundries. I feel so good compared to before, I was such an empty shell. I am proud of how I handled last Friday, I seem to be posting about it a lot but after I processed it in my brain I realized the depth of what happened the sadistic pleasure she got out of what she did, the depth she involved her bf. I can't deny Friday set me back bad. She is trying to push me over the edge but I'm to strong now. I will get over this last episode, I am looking deep into why it affected me so and it will make me stronger for the next episode and there will be a next episode. To re frame my thinking, maybe this will make me stronger for things yet to come.

[bus boy]

Hi mutt, my T says no doubt me ex cared deeply for me but I'm way past that now. I have zero feelings for her. It was a rough road to get to this point but it feels good. She has the emotions of a 5 year old and gets very sarcastic when confronted. It was very confusing to give someone so much love and be treated so bad, to be told how bad I was treating her, giving more love and being told I'm terrable. I was very mentally beat.

[Mutt]

It was a rough road to get to this point but it feels good.

That's encouraging.

It was very confusing to give someone so much love and be treated so bad, to be told how bad I was treating her, giving more love and being told I'm terrable.

I can relate. I felt defeated around the last couple of months when ex gave me the finger when I was just trying to save the marriage, everything i trued failed. It cut like a knife.

Although, she did me a favor with splitting me black.

[bus boy]

I didn't see it at first, she did me a great service by finding a bf.

[Fr4nz]

Mutt is right, in that by splitting us black the sufferers keep us distant from their dysfunctional lives. It's indeed a blessing in disguise.