How do we reset and refocus our Iives during or after the BPD storm?

[Moselle]

Grappling with BPD of the ex, codependency of my own, divorce I have been there done that.

I realise that the single most important step for me, was asking for help. From this community, CoDA, a therapist, family. From there I have decided a new direction.

What were your most important moments is resetting and refocussing your life?

[bunny4523]

Hi Moselle,

For me, it was a therapist and this website.  There was so much confusion in the beginning.  Not understanding what happened, if I had done something wrong.  Once I found this site and read so many similar stories and saw the clinical signs in black & white that reflected what I had experienced, I felt so much relief.  That helped me the most, yet I still was tormented with the irrational attacks playing over and over in my head from my exBPD.  Going from him changing the locks on me in my own home because he didn't trust me and I guess thought I would steal from him or destroy things ?  to the next week signing for him on important legal documents at work because "he trusts me so much".  (we still work together, lovely right?) That kind of stuff played with my head up until maybe 5 months ago.  It's been over a year now since the breakup.  I don't think I would still be on this site if we didn't work together but I still kind of have to deal with his disorder so it helps to read stories and remind me how to stay balanced.   I wouldn't say I walk on eggshells but I definately carry my "BPD earthquake kit" with me everyday... .

I think a support system is key for getting through this ordeal. 

Bunny

[Larmoyant]

Hi Moselle,

Getting some space and distance between us was first. I moved house and didn’t give him my new address. It gave me a sense of protection, peace and respite from all the chaos. He still contacted me though and I responded, but in the 7 month ‘break-up’ my heart no longer pounds so much and I’m far less fearful.

Therapy has helped too as has this site. Finding people who understand and who share a similar experience has been a life-saver. It’s a lonely place surrounded by people who through no fault of their own just don’t get what you are going through. I shut down and ended up isolating myself even more, but coming here has helped me so much. Reading what bunny wrote for example, about lack of trust. My ex behaved similarly, rang me at home once at 4am accusing me of stealing his towels (!). I told him to go check the washing line and he found them. Later, he gave me a key to his house as he trusts me, then back to accusing me of stealing money. Around and around. Reading that others experience similar helps me stay balanced too.

Very recently, in the last day or two I’ve stumbled on schema theory and modes and so much seems to have fallen into place. I have such a need to understand wth it was I’ve just been through and reading has helped. It’s feels like some sort of relief that the pieces are starting to come together. I’m hopeful that now I might be able to start refocusing on my life.

[myself]

Getting back to being creative has really helped. I set a lot of that aside while within the turbulence of the relationship. It's like deep breaths of fresh air now, so calming, interesting, inspiring. Making music, art, writing--- If you're into things like that, what a good way to not only center but to express yourself. Be heard, respected, understood, etc. Maybe there's something you've always wanted to do/to learn, and now could be the time.

[Moselle]

Once I found this site and read so many similar stories and saw the clinical signs in black & white that reflected what I had experienced, I felt so much relief.  

I think a support system is key for getting through this ordeal. 

I can empathise with that. The rational understanding of what's going on by reading other people's stories, was crucial to me. What I hadn't grasped was the emotional destruction that had happened since childhood. I was numb emotionally. 6 months ago I began reconnecting with my feelings for the first time. This was a second watershed moment for me, because the emotional healing journey started there. Are you guys able to process this emotionally?

Hi Moselle,

Getting some space and distance between us was first. I moved house and didn’t give him my new address. It gave me a sense of protection, peace and respite from all the chaos.

Me too. I protect my address like its the last thing I have. She served me 5 DV's when she knew where I lived!

Getting back to being creative has really helped. I set a lot of that aside while within the turbulence of the relationship. It's like deep breaths of fresh air now, so calming, interesting, inspiring. Making music, art, writing--- If you're into things like that, what a good way to not only center but to express yourself. Be heard, respected, understood, etc. Maybe there's something you've always wanted to do/to learn, and now could be the time.

Writing is always something I've wanted to do. To write a book. Now is the time. I would like to write a children's story book. Love music too. Listening, not playing

[Larmoyant]

What I hadn't grasped was the emotional destruction that had happened since childhood. I was numb emotionally. 6 months ago I began reconnecting with my feelings for the first time. This was a second watershed moment for me, because the emotional healing journey started there. Are you guys able to process this emotionally?

Not yet, but I'm trying. I’m realising that my connection with him and the painful emotions involved are related to my family of origin issues, but I’m not sure if I’m processing them yet. It’s incredibly painful and I believe that’s why I’m still holding on a little, waiting for him to come back. Same as when I was a child, just waiting for my dad to return (he suddenly left) and take the pain away. He never did and neither will my ex, but this knowledge hasn’t stopped part of me from hoping and sadly I’m still waiting. There’s a lot of grief here. Grieving for a small child who was left behind. It's incredibly painful.

[Waifed]

The best thing that ever happened to me was hitting rock bottom. It afforded me the opportunity to expose myself to the world. I found a great therapist who had also been in a toxic relationship and had gone through extensive codependency therapy herself. I also read many books about codependency. Both of these things  taught me the difference between "healthy" and codependent behavior. I allowed myself to take things one day at a time and learned to take it easy on myself and most importantly to respect and forgive myself. Time heals, but doing the work to free myself from the bondage of codependency has forever changed my life.

[Moselle]

Not yet, but I'm trying. I’m realising that my connection with him and the painful emotions involved are related to my family of origin issues, but I’m not sure if I’m processing them yet. It’s incredibly painful and I believe that’s why I’m still holding on a little, waiting for him to come back. Same as when I was a child, just waiting for my dad to return (he suddenly left) and take the pain away. He never did and neither will my ex, but this knowledge hasn’t stopped part of me from hoping and sadly I’m still waiting. There’s a lot of grief here. Grieving for a small child who was left behind. It's incredibly painful.

Larmoyant, I can empathise with on this and the pain - it can be a constant source of shame. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this now. The good news is that as painful as a BPD relationship is, we are receptive now to dealing with these problems from our childhood. My defense against this type of pain was actually numbness. How do you experience the pain?

The best thing that ever happened to me was hitting rock bottom. It afforded me the opportunity to expose myself to the world. ... .

Time heals, but doing the work to free myself from the bondage of codependency has forever changed my life.

Waifed, thanks for sharing that . Its powerful when we hit rock bottom and we can't deny our stuff any more. We face it.

[Larmoyant]

How do you experience the pain?

At first it was anxiety and fear now full-on depression. His push/pull and the on again/off again nature of the relationship felt incredibly painful. I eventually started withdrawing to protect myself but by then the damage was done. Now I’m quite seriously depressed. Isolated and cut-off from the world. It all got too much.

Living with the repeated ‘push/pull’ probably echo’s the loss of the past when my father suddenly left so it’s no wonder I’m feeling bereft. It stirs up feelings of not being important enough. Having no value. It was a source of shame in my childhood that I never got over I suppose. Covered it up with external things such as job, career, but that’s all gone now. I lost it all being in this relationship. It’s seems a huge punishment for just wanting to love and be loved.

[Moselle]

I lost it all being in this relationship. It’s seems a huge punishment for just wanting to love and be loved.

I can relate to feeling this way.

If you lost it all do you think you can get it all back and more, and get healthy?

[Larmoyant]

If you lost it all do you think you can get it all back and more, and get healthy?

I'm sorry Moselle, I seem to have taken over your thread. I can't get it all back now. I decided to change careers late (I'm in my 40's) so this was my last chance. I have to do something different now and I'm scared. Sometimes it seems insurmountable, but I keep trying.

[Moselle]

Larmoyant,

You're not hijacking  . This is valuable to all who are negotiating this tough thing. I really empathise with your situation because it sounds really similar to my experience.

Rock bottom as Waifed described below can lead us to change.

There are a few things I was thinking to share with you from my meandering experience. You've been around a while so although it might seem overwhelming you can do this. Perhaps just pick a few things or even one thing and move with that.

I hope it helps.

1. It's not your fault. You were subjected to serious trauma as a young child and while I don't see this as punishment, a lot of this was someone else's fault. Unfortunately there is only one person who can overcome it... Ourselves. But we dont have to do it alone. I'm fact the realisation that we can't is a healthy starting point. We reach out instead of isolating.

2. We can overcome this and I firmly believe that our lives can become infinitely better. This is from personal experience but also many other's experiences.

3. The key is an emotional recovery. Most of this sits in our emotional centre and we need to access it and do some core work.

4. There are many safe and wonderful people out there. When we begin to recover they come out of nowhere and become part of our tribe. A healthy tribe.

5. Keep a recovery journal. It has helped me tremendously to look back and see where I was 6 months ago. It gives me motivation  to continue the hard hard work of recovery because there are measurable changes.

6. BPDfam is amazing. But it is not enough. A therapist and coda has been crucial in my recovery journey. Each week I go to coda where others are on the same journey.

7. I'm pretty sure this is not your last  chance  . It might feel like that but it's our job to apologise to ourselves about thinking that and have a healthy respect and gratitude for all aspects of our career. A coach forced me to write down what I was grateful for in each of my previous jobs. I was amazed what I found.

8. Gratitude is the key. When we are down its easy to focus in what went wrong or what we don't have. Gratitude brings us back to the beauty of each day and its unlimited opportunity. Anything good can happen on any given day. Even a miracle. So ask for what you want and watch the magic unfold.

9. Creative activities can give us a bit of excitement for life again

There's more, but that's a good start

Any other thoughts?

What's next for you Larmoyant?

[Moselle]

I have to do something different now and I'm scared. Sometimes it seems insurmountable, but I keep trying.

Well done. It will get easier. This shows real courage. Are you proud of yourself?

[Larmoyant]

Any other thoughts?

What's next for you Larmoyant?

Moselle, thank you for sharing. Your list brought up a lot of emotion. My problem is I feel like ‘a failure’. It came true. His voice is in my head. I keep shutting myself away, only going out when I have to. I’m going to try to change that. I’m going to get my hair cut on Tuesday and have arranged to meet an old friend. A friend I wasn’t allowed to see for fear of repercussions. I’m going to hold my head up and pretend I’m ok. It’s a start perhaps. I also have a research proposal in the works. I want to get a new puppy when I can afford one and I want to take up yoga again. Today was better than yesterday so I have made a promise to myself that this week is when I start living again. I'm in tears as I write this, but I'm going to really try.

[Moselle]

I'm going to really try.

Me too

We are all on this journey together. You can do it!

I have started a new trick. Live for one week only. A friend of mine is dying he has 12 weeks left.

I thought how differently I would live if I lived each week like it was my last.

It's amazing how small this BPD stuff looks against that backdrop.

I have 13 hours left of my week. Let me go and live them. All the best Larmoyant. Self esteem is built one brick at a time. If you manage one brick this week, It's progress. Try to celebrate every little thing that happens.