Trying to make it work

[Larmoyant]

A memory of him trying to make it work has made me cry.

I remember times (too many) when we’d ‘broken-up’ and my ex wanted to come back to talk it through. He’d want us to get back together and I’d be relieved and happy, but just as suddenly he’d change his mind and I’d be sitting there absolutely devastated. Trying to make sense of it all. I realise now that this was triggering my own abandonment fears. It was terrible and so damaging to my sense of self-worth.

As time went by the pattern repeated, but changed a little as I was the one that started to withdraw for fear of further hurt. This prompted different behaviour from him as he tried desperately to get me back. I understand some of the dynamics of it all now. But the memory of it is so sad because in his way he was trying.

He once wrote a list of things he thought would help us be together. It was a list of everything I was doing wrong. When I tried to balance it out he went into a rage. But he did try.

Me too. I tried too hard to make it work. Some days despite all the devaluing and ranting I’d sit there waiting for him to wear himself out and sometimes he would and we’d be ok for a while only I really wasn’t ok. He was slowly tearing me down. I had thought I was handling it, but really I wasn’t.

I just feel so sad today that nothing I tried worked.

[Turkish]

He once wrote a list of things he thought would help us be together. It was a list of everything I was doing wrong. When I tried to balance it out he went into a rage. But he did try.

It sounds like he tried as much as he was able to. Maybe this is all he was able to offer.  I was there,  several times.  In a way,  I fought it,  but only later,  I realized that it was only going so far as who she was like but more importantly,  what I was able to accept about myself.  It's hard to differentiate how we see ourselves with how our exes see us.

[Mutt]

Hi Laryomant,

I had thought I was handling it, but really I wasn’t.

Don't be hard on yourself. We're not professionals and didn't have special training for BPD. I had to make things up as I went along, I did the best that I could with what I knew. We had to cope with this everyday, professionals may only see a pwBPD a few hours a week. That said, what were some of the good things about the r/s?

[Larmoyant]

That said, what were some of the good things about the r/s?

The first thing that I thought when I read those words were "there wasn't anything good about the relationship". It makes me sound like a horrible person, but truthfully it was just too stressful. But he had some lovely qualities. He could be kind sometimes, would cook me dinner and not complain because I'm a vegetarian, would plan lovely evenings out with the intention of them being good (most were not because his jealousy was often triggered), would hold me close and I sometimes felt loved. He'd make plans for our future and I believed him. I think he meant them at the time. He was very funny and made me laugh out loud. I miss that part of him.

I think he tried to love me and be with me. I asked him once to please let’s make the weekend good, no arguments, just enjoy being together. He did it by smoking marijuana. I didn’t realise it at first, but he kept going off into another part of the house. Eventually I caught on and asked what he was doing, he told me and asked if I minded or if I wanted some (not for me). It seemed to keep him calm and we did end up having a peaceful couple of days, but the memory of it is so sad. It doesn’t do much for my self-confidence that someone has to drug themselves to be with me (!), but I don’t think it was about me, or at least I hope not. I was obviously a bad trigger for him in some way, but he wanted to give me a peaceful weekend. It's all so sad. When I remember things like this I want to help him.

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,


He sounds like he was thoughtful at times. Maybe he smoked drugs recreationally, it was a habit or it helped sooth his anxiety. It's his drug use and nit necessarily a reflection of the person that you are. It helps when we feel distressed to step back and look at the entire picture. Am I loom at the bad with the good? Am I looking at the r/s from the beginning to the end? Am I taking responsibility for my actions or am I blaming taking the lion's share of the blame?'

I can relate with wanting to help my ex wife. I was her helper and her fixer. I didn't realize at the time that I was enabling her and it wasn't healthy behaviors on my part. I can't change what I did, I can reflect and learn what I can from it and apply that in future r/s'.

I can't help someone that doesn't want to get help. Everyone's exe is a different person with a different personality but I know that my ex is not very self aware or aware. She truly believes that she's persecuted or her circumstances are caused externally and are not caused be her choices. I recall a member suggested that I keep telling myself several times a day that my ex has a serious mental illness and eventually I accepted that my ex wife really believes her reality. She doesn't know any different, it's what she's accustomed to, it's how her neural pathways developed from childhood.

I'm just a man, I can't cure her disorder I can't support someone that doesn't feel like there's something off with them, I have to take care of myself and my own needs. I turned to a higher power and prayed that she gets help someday, I let go and let god. I thought that it was selfish to do things that I enjoy but self care is not about selfishness, self care is about self compassion. If I'm happy than the people that I care about, people that I have r/s's with are happy.