Is There A Boundary for This?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

While I am thinking about next steps for our family, I have good days and bad days. Most days I am able to act "normal" and happy, but on the days that my husband is especially drunk I feel extremely defeated and I am down - quiet, playing computer games to distract myself, and yes, possibly dead-eyed some amount of time. I have had two such days in the past three weeks and on these days my husband takes offense. First, he will ask if anything is wrong, if I am feeling ok. Yesterday, I told him that I was feeling down but that this wasn't a good time to talk about it. I didn't say this but the reason it's not a good time is because he's drunk. If I mention his being drunk, or drinking, there's a 99% chance he will fly off the handle.

So later he said, " well I don't know what it is that you're upset about that has to do with me, but you can just decide if you want me to make you dinner or just (our son) dinner or what you want and get back to me. " He was angry and I said, "You can just make (son) dinner. You don't need to make dinner for me." Him: I don't NEED to anything!

Now I imagine that this is one of those times I'm supposed to talk about his feelings but he's drunk. Talking to him when he's drunk is a fool's errand. To get to the point, I have to be able to have different feelings and kinds of days, and yes, occasionally a mood in my own home. Is there a proper boundary that I set regarding this or do I have to snap myself out of every bad mood. Am I my best person when I'm like this - no - but I can't be my best person 100% of the time. And actually, now that I think about it, most of the time he has no issue if I'm upset about something else, but if he senses it has to do with his behavior, then it's a problem. A BIG problem.

The time before this, I looked sad because I came home from work and he was drunk. I sat on the sofa watching tv, trying to figure out what I should do. He came and sat by me and tried to engage me in conversation, but I struggled. He said, "well, if you're going to mope, don't do it in here. Go in another room and mope!" I said " This is my home too and if I want to mope for a while in front of the tv, then I will." I'm sure this is a case where I should have talked about HIS feelings but when he's drunk, I shut down. Something to work on I suppose, but I don't know if I have the energy left for that.

[westexy]

While I am thinking about next steps for our family, I have good days and bad days. Most days I am able to act "normal" and happy, but on the days that my husband is especially drunk I feel extremely defeated and I am down - quiet, playing computer games to distract myself, and yes, possibly dead-eyed some amount of time. I have had two such days in the past three weeks and on these days my husband takes offense. First, he will ask if anything is wrong, if I am feeling ok. Yesterday, I told him that I was feeling down but that this wasn't a good time to talk about it. I didn't say this but the reason it's not a good time is because he's drunk. If I mention his being drunk, or drinking, there's a 99% chance he will fly off the handle.

So later he said, " well I don't know what it is that you're upset about that has to do with me, but you can just decide if you want me to make you dinner or just (our son) dinner or what you want and get back to me. " He was angry and I said, "You can just make (son) dinner. You don't need to make dinner for me." Him: I don't NEED to anything!

Now I imagine that this is one of those times I'm supposed to talk about his feelings but he's drunk. Talking to him when he's drunk is a fool's errand. To get to the point, I have to be able to have different feelings and kinds of days, and yes, occasionally a mood in my own home. Is there a proper boundary that I set regarding this or do I have to snap myself out of every bad mood. Am I my best person when I'm like this - no - but I can't be my best person 100% of the time. And actually, now that I think about it, most of the time he has no issue if I'm upset about something else, but if he senses it has to do with his behavior, then it's a problem. A BIG problem.

The time before this, I looked sad because I came home from work and he was drunk. I sat on the sofa watching tv, trying to figure out what I should do. He came and sat by me and tried to engage me in conversation, but I struggled. He said, "well, if you're going to mope, don't do it in here. Go in another room and mope!" I said " This is my home too and if I want to mope for a while in front of the tv, then I will." I'm sure this is a case where I should have talked about HIS feelings but when he's drunk, I shut down. Something to work on I suppose, but I don't know if I have the energy left for that.

[Ceruleanblue]

That's a hard place to be in. I've been there, but it wasn't centered around BPDh being drunk. BPDh was so very moody and angry so often, that I felt I always had to be "up" or couldn't have a bad mood myself. If I had a bad mood, heaven forbid, it would trigger him or send him into a rage. It's like they expect perfection, and all things to revolve around them, and when we aren't feeling great, they take it so personally.

Can you talk to him about how you feel at a time when he's not drunk? I'm sure you've tried this. With me/us, there never was a good time to talk to BPDh because any discussion would almost always lead to him blowing up, or raging. It was truly rare that he wouldn't, so things never got dealt with.

I hope others have more ideas in dealing with this, because I'm sure there is a way to set a boundary around this, or deal with it more effectively. Just hang in there, and know lots of us have dealt with this, or variations of this. You have a right to your feelings too.

[Cat Familiar]

Westexy,
Alcohol + BPD is a very difficult combination to deal with. My husband used to drink to excess and still drinks more than what is healthy. I remember those crazy scenes when he was sh!tfaced drunk and we were arguing. He would behave so irrationally and do crazy things like hitting himself in the head and asking if I "liked that." Anything I said that could be construed as a criticism would merit a "You hate me!" It was truly awful.

You understand that it's "a fool's errand" to try and talk with a drunk. I wouldn't even bother trying to elicit his feelings at those times.

I tried and tried to talk to my husband about his drinking, but in doing so, I merely increased his shame burden and he became more bitter toward me.

At the beginning of our courtship, I had told him that substance abuse was a line in the sand for me. He seemed to understand, but then after we were married, the drunken behavior became a regular occurrence. I was furious. It took me a while to realize that not only was I dealing with an alcoholic, I was dealing with a pwBPD. And all my begging, pleading, appeals to reason were doomed to failure.

In recent years the only strategy I've had to deal with him getting drunk is to remove myself. I go to bed early or do something away from him. He's going to do what he's going to do. I don't need to be a witness or participant in something I find disturbing. Over time, he has started moderating himself and because I'm not giving him an outlet for his upset feelings, which I believe are responsible for the drinking, he's not been drinking to excess. Also I think the cause/effect of drinking/feeling like sh!t the next day is starting to become more of a motivator.

Your situation is different in that you have a child. Is there a way that you and your son can leave the house for a while so that neither of you have to be in your husband's orbit while he's drunk? Maybe go to a movie or the library or the park or a friend or relative's house. It's not good for either of you to be around him in that state. If you consistently leave when he's like that, perhaps he'll get the message. Good luck. It's not an easy thing to live with a drunk.