Hi trying to a break from relationship

[hyperkind]

Hi,, Iv been with this lady for 15 years, when we first met, she hugged from under my shirt, odd, I thought, but i let it pass, 6 months off doing a lot together, she came down with something that left her house ridden and in panamas for almost 12 years,. she was on all sorts of medications and a lot, for depression , OCD, and ect,, she attempted suicide once, and stayed in hospital for a bit,, and a year after tried again, both overdosing. this time she was send to a different hospital, there they diagnosed her with BPD ., she had been off her medications, high dose of vitamin B and was it was amazing to see how bight the would seemed to her, she took some therapy classes, and getting out,,, for almost a year now we went out every day to drive to different places, she became out going,, then last few months, we have a great day then bang it sometimes got very bad with accusations some all over the place, then getting to want me to leave., I don't remember now what, I didn't make since to me at the time,   now with her son  leaving to move out on his own, she needs to have a smaller cheaper place and want to go in it half, ok, I was thinking, but now im getting burn out from these negative words from her, and want space,, I should have token her up offer many times she said for me to leave, but it was hard seeing her sad eyes then her long talking about things, it would move over to 'nice' talking.  didn't want to leave,, I told her a week later I want space  to recapture my breath and reset myself, she tells me, her 2 children and her mom are wondering why I want to leave, and say she tells them she doesn't have an answer, she has accused me of being money hunger, because I do like to be a little careful at the spending.  her mom would say.she's been doing so well, .and she has, , , I cant go on typing , getting late and still feeling burnt,, I do still want to be her friend... and after I recover , I may go back in,, she is (or now was, pending on my actions) getting help though Sweetser, so she would be a "fixed up" girlfriend ,,but I would still love to be her friend regardless ,, She really is a sweet lady,, but I do have a lady friends that are grounded that I could date. and maybe that was making it easier just to listen to her go on and on waiting for those happy words, because I knew I could really leave if I wanted to, but we been together for all these years, she keeps saying  she going to be along she to old, only 47, to start anew with somebody and she dose have a colostomy, which make her feels bad at times too, and i have helped with her shower days,,,.i  own money on her oil bills.and fixing her car that I scratched when getting snow off... .oh what  a mess this has become, we have broke up in the past off and on then 10 years of solid,, this one is going hard, different one,, thank you for reading, gotta go so I might not respond right back ,
have a nice night anyway  

hyperkind

[Mutt]

Hi hyperkind,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I see that you're facing a difficult dilemna with wanting to leave because the negativity it's taking it's toll and the guilt with leaving your pwBPD. I'm glad that you decided to join us, it helps to talk to people that share similar experiences, we can offer you guidance and support.

I should have token her up offer many times she said for me to leave, but it was hard seeing her sad eyes then her long talking about things, it would move over to 'nice' talking.  didn't want to leave,, I told her a week later I want space  to recapture my breath and reset myself, she tells me, her 2 children and her mom are wondering why I want to leave, and say she tells them she doesn't have an answer, she has accused me of being money hunger, because I do like to be a little careful at the spending.

As I was reading your post a few points reminded me of my ex wife. One, we're allowed to change our minds and a pwBPD have difficulties seeing both sides of the coin at the same time. Two, we're not responsible for someone else's feelings and the guilty feelings that a pwBPD will trigger, in your case what is she supposed to tell her family. Well, a choice is that she doesn't have to explain to friends and family and that it's personal because it's yor r/s? Is she really close to her family?

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

I think that you probably already know your answer and just need re-assurance that you're making the right choice. I think that you have a right to be happy in life. Sometimes people think that it's selfish to take care of our needs but self care is not selfish,it's self compassion or self love. When we take care of ourselves and we're happier, people that we're close to may take notice and take care of themselves too, they're happier too, when we don't care of ourselves we're left open for unhealthy r/s's.

I suggest to read as much you can about BPD you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. A pwBPD have insecure attachments and are very afraid of being alone, perceived or real and will try to avoid it with frantic efforts. If you plan on keeping in touch with her then that should sooth her emotional abandonment but you'll probably get a strong reaction after you have left, I'm just letting you know.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Hyperkind,
Welcome to BPD Family.

15 years, WOW! That is a long time.  Sounds like it has been very up and down.  You mentioned that you had various times where the relationship was off and on, what is different for you this time?

Also, with the items you mentioned about owing her, do you have the means to pay her back.  If this is the "last breakup", will these things be a form of emotional blackmail as Mutt was mentioning.

Keep posting out here.  I have found that it is really helpful and can keep my mind from slipping into dark places all by myself.

JRB