Hi Heartbroken_guy,
I am really sorry for the pain you feel yourself in right now. I do understand. So many of us have been there - wanting the pwBPD in our lives, our minds saying one thing, our hearts and bodies another. Being lied to, cheated on, and misrepresented to others is not fair and it hurts. A lot.
During those 9 months you were not together, what did you do for yourself, I wonder? These relationships get under our skin in a completely different way. All that "charm" certainly, but also how much we need and want that feeling of being adored and special. That's human. At some point the cost is too great though, as you know yourself.
I know that right now you are feeling raw and gutted. I don't have to try too hard to remember that feeling myself - but it
is in the past for me. And it has been a long process of getting it there, into the past.
Right now, I really just want you to know that you've been heard and that others can relate to the pain. I want to tell you that it does get better, and that healing can be amazing and show you many things about yourself, some that need work and some that are just fine exactly as they are.
That's a process, kind of an adventure - and a much better one than the chaotic, dramatic, and ultimately destructive ones we enter into with partners who have BPD.
How long will you be in Europe? Are you with family or friends? What activites are there that allow you to rest and which ones allow you to get some of the energy out? Are you with people where you can just be yourself?
Keep posting, it does help to talk, to remember, to work things out slowly.
Hope you are getting sun and warmth, wherever you are