Trying to re-focus on my life

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi gang,

I'm struggling with trying to stay focused on my life. I'm finding myself still very focused on now not so much my ex, but on BPD. Is this a part of the process (coming to grips with BPD as a severe mental illness?) Or am I just replacing the concrete her with learning about BPD? Will this drop off eventually?

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

I'm struggling with trying to stay focused on my life. I'm finding myself still very focused on now not so much my ex, but on BPD. Is this a part of the process (coming to grips with BPD as a severe mental illness?) Or am I just replacing the concrete her with learning about BPD? Will this drop off eventually?

[schwing]

Hi KCsunshine,

I'm finding myself still very focused on now not so much my ex, but on BPD. Is this a part of the process (coming to grips with BPD as a severe mental illness?) Or am I just replacing the concrete her with learning about BPD?

If you are like me, I think you are trying to minimize the emotional mass your ex still occupies in your mind. And you are trying to do so by understanding this disorder more thoroughly, and maybe you have a slight tendency towards OCD behavior.

For me, this was part of the process. My goal from the get-go was to get to a point where I stopped caring about her. And maybe, just maybe, I expressed some compassion towards her but only as much as I might feel about anyone with BPD (for a long time I didn't think this was possible, so I was content with apathy).

Again, I think this can be part of the process.

Grief = Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

I see this as movement towards acceptance. But you might find that in your learning experience, you may jump back and forth around the other stages of grief.

Will this drop off eventually?

Short answer, yes. Long answer, yes but how it looks depends upon your pacing. If you go at it obsessively, you will burn out. And you may take a break from it but later on feel like it's still lingering and so you might go at it again (and again) until you get to the point you are looking for.

Another approach is to incorporate this learning experience into the routine of your life. And make efforts to do other things. But honor this process and come back from time to time, just like you might visit the grave of someone you lost. Do this and it will never haunt you in a bad way. And at some point it will just be a part of you, the learning that is.

I'm struggling with trying to stay focused on my life.  

This may be because there is still a big part of your psyche that needs to find resolution. And that resolution is obtainable. But also, you might consider that your psyche is demanding attention and awareness that your ex might have given you, that you still don't know exactly how to give yourself.

In my experience, focus can not only be an intellectual effort.  For me, focus comes from an emotional process first, with which the intellect can cooperate and hone.  If your "emotional" psyche tends to be neglected, struggling with focus on your life will be a chronic issue.

Your ex showed you what your "emotional" psyche needed to be focused but primarily on her.  Learn from her about yourself. She knew what it took to motivate you. Now hone that knowledge and use it for your own good.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[valet]

Hey kc, I was obsessed with the disorder for a long while. It is normal and does go away. You'll move from being obsessive to just being very well read.

What do you mean when you say 'my life'?

Detaching from this relationship is a part of your life.

What do you think?

[kc sunshine]

This is super-helpful-- thank you. I'm not sure what you mean by this though: "Your ex showed you what your "emotional" psyche needed to be focused but primarily on her."

Could you explain? Thanks!

Your ex showed you what your "emotional" psyche needed to be focused but primarily on her.  Learn from her about yourself. She knew what it took to motivate you. Now hone that knowledge and use it for your own good.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[schwing]

I'm not sure what you mean by this though: "Your ex showed you what your "emotional" psyche needed to be focused but primarily on her."

Could you explain? Thanks!

I'm of the camp who thinks of people with BPD (pwBPD) as similar to the (Greek) mythological sirens (or mermaids). When we were in a relationship with them, they showed us what we were willing to crash our boats into the reefs, in order to get. In my case, my exBPDgf, showed me that as long as I had someone who depended upon me to "rescue," I would keep rescuing her in spite of myself. And I did this because I believed that if I were to continue to rescue her (from her anxieties of being away from me, from her non-empathetic family), she would, in return, rescue me also. I believed this; I just thought that life just needed to give her a break.

... .her best friend died... .she needed to take her professional exam... .her family was too harsh/demanding... .if it wasn't one thing, it was another.

And when I finally needed her to be there for me, when it was my turn. She wasn't.

In retrospect, these are classic co-dependency dynamics.  She showed me how bad it can get. And it had to get really really bad, before I finally got the motivation to change it.

So, in my case, she showed me (indirectly) what I needed to see in order to avoid being stuck.  Instead of being focused on "taking care" of other people, I needed to take care of myself.  And at that time I didn't know the first thing about taking care of myself... .well, I knew, but I was very very bad at it. And this event, forced me to get better at taking care of myself.

Your specifics could be different. But I would start with answering the questions: what kept you in the relationship?  What did you think you were getting out of it?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey kc-

Learning about the disorder does a couple of things: it depersonalizes it so it's not just "her" and all that entails, it's a person with a personality disorder, one of many, and it's pretty definable, the behaviors even predictable to an extent, or at least the motivations for them.  And also, it can eliminate confusion; once we understand why someone does what they do, it doesn't make the behaviors any more tolerable or acceptable, but at least the confusion goes away, which helps a lot.

So when you say focused on your life, which part?  As we detach from these relationships we're pretty much focused on the past and our exes for a while, and that slowly wanes as we focus more on the present and ourselves, and then eventually, hopefully the future.  And we can get stuck in a timeframe too, maybe the past, the remedy for which is to create a vision for a compelling future, one you'd love to live, and then make it big and bright so it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, and before you realize it you'll be living that life, using the vision as a target, but realizing it's the journey that is life, not the destination.

And that's important when we're grieving and detaching, because if we don't light a little fire under our future the past will drag our focus to it on it's own, so time to eat your Wheaties and get going on some empowered future creating; what's that look like for you?

[kc sunshine]

This is so helpful everyone-- thank you. I find myself shifting a bit from learning about the disorder, to thinking about emotional abuse and its affects. Learning about the disease first I think was helpful, because I'm finding that I'm not really blaming or vilifying my ex for the behaviors, but thinking about the behaviors as abusive nonetheless. I guess that is a little shift towards me in the relationship... .thinking about BPD's effects on me. Next in line in my "progress" (hard to know what is progress and what is not) might be why I was drawn to it and why I stayed?

[fromheeltoheal]

Next in line hopefully might be why I was drawn to it and why I stayed?

Important stuff to consider and process kc.  And while you're at, throw in a little thought about where you are and where you're going, a little present and future with your analysis of the past.

[kc sunshine]

yes, i love that-- a vision of the future that draws me to it. I guess a concrete way to do that is to write about that vision a little everyday and then take one or two baby steps towards it.

Next in line hopefully might be why I was drawn to it and why I stayed?

Important stuff to consider and process kc.  And while you're at, throw in a little thought about where you are and where you're going, a little present and future with your analysis of the past.

[Fie]

Hello kcsunshine  

I found myself obsessing about BPD after the break up with my ex.
For months I have watched movies about it, read about it, ... .I also (thought I ?) recognized  the disorder in many other people.
For me it was not only dealing with the past and getting a grip on it through this. I was  also determined to really understand the disorder in as many aspects as possible, to make sure I would never fall for someone like  that again.

Next in line in my "progress" (hard to know what is progress and what is not) might be why I was drawn to it and why I stayed?

I did the same. Good luck ! It's an interesting and rewarding journey.

[woundedPhoenix]

I'm of the camp who thinks of people with BPD (pwBPD) as similar to the (Greek) mythological sirens (or mermaids).
I would keep rescuing her in spite of myself. And I did this because I believed that if I were to continue to rescue her she would, in return, rescue me also. I believed this;

And when I finally needed her to be there for me, when it was my turn. She wasn't.

In retrospect, these are classic co-dependency dynamics.  She showed me how bad it can get. And it had to get really really bad, before I finally got the motivation to change it.

Schwing, you nailed it here. by the time i started needing her for a change to give me some support, her dynamic swiftly changed to "Every man for himself", all of a sudden she adopted the notion that "you can only rescue yourself".
it's almost ironic that it took me 6 years of giving to get to that point, and crash with my head against the wall hard enough to finally wake up.