BPD Mother attempted suicide

[Chana78]

I'm looking for insight and help with dealing with my uBPD mother. I have three small children 7, 5 and 3 and my Mother has been in their lives since they were born but I am seriously regretting that decision. She has all of the classic BPD symptoms - idealizes people and then hates them, emotionally and verbally abuses me on the rare occasions when I try to set limits with her or become angry with her. Overall, she  never took much interest in me. I've always been afraid of her though there have been stretches of time when things have been okayish between us. She is an alcoholic and also has a history of opiate abuse. She is also going through a third divorce. Early last year I found out that she had been drinking and using opiates again and I attempted, for the first time, to set some limits on her interactions with my kids - namely that I didn't want her to be unsupervised around them. She can be extremely irrational and impulsive and I didn't want my kids alone with her while she was going through a divorce either. My mother proceeded to pitch an epic tantrum in front of the kids accusing me of being cruel and judgmental "you're punishing me!" etc. etc. She promised she wouldn't do anything 'harmful' to them ever and me feel terrible for suggesting such a thing and I'm embarrassed to say that I gave in.

So my kids have spent nights with her and gone on trips with her. Two weeks ago my mother relapsed and entered rehab for alcohol abuse just a day or two after returning from a trip with my daughter. I also learned that she was harassing my step-sisters while on vacation with my daughter. She had a trip planned with my son for next week and I finally put my fear of her reaction aside and decided I would not let the kids go anywhere with her. I sent her an email saying that I was glad she was in rehab but that I wasn't comfortable with her taking my son on vacation. I offered to go on a family trip with her and told her that I wanted to spend time with her (which I do not btw!). I asked if I could go with her to some counselling sessions and told her I loved her. The first response was "Okay, fine" then another email six hours later "I'm not going on vacation. I've never put your kids in harms way. I'm hurt and humiliated. This is pure stigma. I won't have them over ever again. This isn't about talking this is about power and control and stigma. I'll miss them more than I can say" Then another email a few hours later about how cold I am and how I shame and berate her and how she doesn't want to see me ever again. Then another email saying she quit her job. Then a txt later that night "I'm dead. Overdosed on alcohol and xanax." She sent the text to me, my husband and her soon-to-be ex. A carefully calculated suicide attempt in my opinion yet still upsetting.

The paramedics found her in rough shape but she survived. She spent the night at the ER and then went into inpatient care where she is now. I have not communicated with her and honestly have no urge to ever again. But even saying that makes me feel terrible while I simultaneously feel intense rage. I know that if I let her into our lives she will put my son, her favorite grandchild, into a caretaking role an god knows what else. My extended family supports me generally but I don't think they would support me going NC. My husband does not think I should initiate NC either. Would love to hear everyone's thoughts on this.

[Notwendy]

Chana, welcome to this forum and I am so sorry that your mother has done this. Thankfully she survived but this is a terrible fear to live with.

I once put up a similar boundary when my mother attempted to cross the line with them. I felt at that point I was choosing between my parents' happiness and the best interest in my children. I chose my children. That is my job as their mother. However, my parents reacted in a similar way- got so angry, got my relatives involved.

In essence, my mother put both me and my father in the position where we had to choose. I had to choose making her happy or my children's welfare. My father had to choose peace with her or a relationship with me. I chose my kids, he chose her.

This made me sad, however, to keep my parents happy, I would have risked the welfare of my kids. I do not regret that I chose their welfare.

We speak of boundaries on this board. Sometimes they are hard to hold on to.

When I was younger, my mother attempted suicide, at least more than one time. I can not imagine the fear my father had. He loved her. Perhaps this fear is what drove him to be most concerned with her welfare.

However, your children need you, and your job is to keep them safe. I know you wish no harm to come to your mother, however, you are not responsible for her choices.

I am not NC, but I do have boundaries with her. Perhaps you can start with that. It isn't easy to establish them, there can be a strong reaction, but in time, they can work. One option is to be LC- low contact. The lessons on this board can help and there is much to learn. If NC seems too abrupt, just maintaining some limited contact while working on the lessons may help you get some clarity about what you wish to do next.

NC just didn't feel right for me so I didn't wish to do it. However, other posters here feel it is the best decision for them. Learning about these two options might help you decide. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

WELCOME Chana78:  
I'm so sorry about the troubles with your mom.  I'm glad she survived, but I can see the stress she has caused you and your family.  You are wise to place the safety of you and your family first.

Fear, Obligation and Guild (FOG) is something we all deal with in regard to people with BPD (pwBPD).  The following links to both FOG  and  BOUNDARIES can be helpful for you.

Boundaries are for you and the safety of you and your family.  The pwBPD will generally rebel against the boundaries, but they have a choice to comply with certain boundaries and have some degree of contact, or not comply and then the reason for NC is their decision.

It might, also, be helpful to read about EXTINCTION BURSTS.  

I don't want to overwhelm you with information, so take it slow and focus on one tool at a time.  A decision for NC is your choice, and a choice that can always change.

There are a lot of great links to lessons in the margin to the right of this thread.  Have you read any books on BPD?  I found the book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" informative.

Your choices are not just limited to these two:

1) To either to continue to be mistreated, or

2) to cut off all contact with your family.

A third choice is to change the nature of your relationship with your parents so that you are not being mistreated but are still in contact with them. Impossible, you say? I disagree. While you do not have the power to "fix" your parents, you do have the power to fix your relationship with them. If you change your approach to them in a consistent manner, that will force them to change their approach to you.

The above quote is taken for the first link in a series of articles by Dr. Allen.  You can find all the article links at this location:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280765.msg12653204#msg12653204

[Turkish]

I know that if I let her into our lives she will put my son, her favorite grandchild, into a caretaking role an god knows what else.

More than anything else,  this stood out to me,  and from my view shows that you know that the pain caused by the way your relationship with her has fine,  as well as you knowing what to do in order to protect your children from that pain. 

[Fie]

Hello Chana78 

What an incredibly difficult position you are in.
And yet maybe that simple :

I have not communicated with her and honestly have no urge to ever again.

You are NOT obliged to keep contact with her. You can (with boundaries), but you don't have to. Only if you feel you can do it. BPD can drain us, to the extend we don't have enough energy left to be good parents.

I think it is by all means a *very* bad idea to let your children stay with your mum unsupervised. You don't want your children to be around an alcoholic who might even try to attempt suicide with them around. Letting your children be around your mum is at this point (in my eyes) even irresponsable. If your mum was a stranger, everyone would tell you that you'd have to be crazy to let your children stay with her. Just because it's your mum, it does not suddenly make it more responsable.

Keep us posted on your decision and don't hesitate to ask more questions ! Everyone is different, and every situation is unique. But we all understand the dynamics of having BPD relatives.

[Chana78]

I am not NC, but I do have boundaries with her. Perhaps you can start with that. It isn't easy to establish them, there can be a strong reaction, but in time, they can work. One option is to be LC- low contact.

Thank you Notwendy. I think LC could be a good option for me and my children. More palatable than NC. Less guilt for me I think. It amazes me that I could feel so guilty about this in the first place.

[Chana78]

Boundaries are for you and the safety of you and your family.  The pwBPD will generally rebel against the boundaries, but they have a choice to comply with certain boundaries and have some degree of contact, or not comply and then the reason for NC is their decision.

It might, also, be helpful to read about EXTINCTION BURSTS.  

I don't want to overwhelm you with information, so take it slow and focus on one tool at a time.  A decision for NC is your choice, and a choice that can always change.

There are a lot of great links to lessons in the margin to the right of this thread.  Have you read any books on BPD?  I found the book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" informative.

Thank you Naughty. Not an overload of info at all. I'm looking for every piece of helpful information that I can! I just picked up the Egg Shells book at the library today and it seems excellent. I also read about extinction bursts and it put the suicide attempt into clearer focus. I've been bracing myself for a possible suicide attempt for sometime. It was on my mind all day when I finally set some boundaries with her.

She often threatens NC when we have arguments or when I stand up for myself and she is incredibly skilled at making me feel like I'm the difficult person. I'm always the one to apologize.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY CHANA78:
I'm glad you found the links/information helpful.

She often threatens NC when we have arguments or when I stand up for myself and she is incredibly skilled at making me feel like I'm the difficult person. I'm always the one to apologize.

Maybe VALIDATION could be helpful with your mom.  I think it can take some practice and it is important to NOT invalidate what someone feels.  I think that some people are naturally good at validation, but I think most of us need some practice.  It will likely take some practice to balance stating boundaries without invalidation.  Here are a couple of examples of validation and invalidation:

VALIDATION:
It sounds like you are really feeling _______
I can see you are really upset
That must really hurt
What bothers you the most about it?

INVALIDATION:
You have been upset about this too long, it is time to move on
Stop taking everything so personally
You shouldn't feel this way

Here are links to a couple of articles on Validation versus Invalidation.
www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#Validation and Invalidation

www.psychopathsandlove.com/invalidation/