Feeling disconnected from the world, is this a normal part of detaching?

[pjstock42]

Hi everyone.

I'm really just thinking out loud here but I've had some thoughts today that I wanted to bounce off of other members to get some input, I always appreciate what others here have to say and I'm continually thankful for this community where people understand where I'm coming from.

I realized today that what was originally shock & disbelief, then constant mental torture followed by plain old sadness has now morphed into a mixture of the aforementioned depression with an overwhelming feeling of being isolated / disassociated from the rest of the world. Even when I am having a "good" day, which does seem to be happening more often, the "good" is really only good because I'm comparing directly to how I've felt over the past couple months since the discard and in that sense, almost anything outside of crushing pain would be an improvement. I find myself being almost completely unable to connect with any other people in social / professional situations, whereas this was never a problem for me in the past. I've forced myself to be social with groups of friends but I find myself feeling very disconnected and sensing that I'm not very good company, as if I'm constantly distracted by something. I've tried going out by myself to bars etc. and after a few drinks, which in the past would make me feel more social, I actually start to become more reclusive and want nothing to do with anyone which leads me want to just go home and be by myself. I am an introverted person and I've always been very quiet / laid back so I wouldn't say that these behaviors are odd for me but I think it's more that even when I truly want to be social, I find myself unable to do so and that scares me.

The pain of missing my BPD ex is slowly changing into pain of missing having a partner and I'm sure some of that is just a part of the normal breakup process. I believe the BPD part of this stems from the idealization / love-bombing and how powerfully that changed me as a person without me even realizing it at the time. I was built up to be of such incredibly high value to one person, only to be tossed in the trash out of nowhere through a text message, never to see or hear from her again. I had never before had this kind of idealization in a relationship and I've realized that this really is a form of control for pwBPD because while the high of receiving love-bombing is immense, the pwBPD knows that they have the power to pull it away in an instant which sends us into an even more emotionally powerful state of feeling unwanted and isolated. My self-confidence is lower than it ever has been because of this discard and although I can realize this from a logical perspective, I can't seem to stop it from making me feel so incredibly useless and weak in all aspects of life ranging from social activities to work. Even when someone does engage me in conversation, I find it to be incredibly difficult to really connect to them in the way that I once was able to because my mind is so clouded by these feelings of worthlessness and loss. It's very frustrating when you know that you're allowing this toxic person to still be controlling you even though they're gone yet you can't seem to make it stop affecting you.

I hope I'm not just ranting here but I wanted to see if anyone else feels / has felt similarly to this and how they pushed themselves to get through it. While I do enjoy time on my own and truly want to use this experience to better myself as a person, I do not want to be a total societal outcast who is relegated to isolation. It's almost as though my brain is thinking that if this person who claimed I was perfect and who said that they loved me could just toss me aside like I'm nothing, how could anyone else on this planet see any value in me or even care enough to give me the time of day? I also worry that what if someone does legitimately say something nice / complimentary to me in the future and my first thought is "what is their angle? are they building me up so they can cut me down later?" Every day I seem to discover another way in which this relationship has subconsciously changed my psyche, I am hoping that this is just a normal part of detaching and that it will pass but it does scare me to think that I have now become a cold and closed off person as that means that I will have adopted these qualities directly from my ex.

[SoMadSoSad]

I've had this problem also. And like you, i am also an introvert. They say I switched my thinking from my ex was to talk to other women. Try to build a crush for someone new so your focus shifts from your ex to someone else and subsequently from the past to the future. Even if it's just nice chit chats online or casual date, to be focused on someone new would break the bond that your ex has to your mind and will show you thAt there are other girls out there for you.

[rfriesen]

Hi PJ,

I went through something very similar. When I finally felt like I was getting over the intense and almost unbearable pain and feelings of anxiety, I imagined I might start having genuinely good days again. Back to my old self, I thought. But, like you, instead I seemed to feel empty and disconnected most of the time. I'm also more introvert than extrovert, but never had trouble socialising when I wanted to, and felt I was generally good at connecting with people.

Coming up for six months from my final break-up with my ex, I still often feel a bit down or distracted in social contexts. I eventually realised that it was like climbing out of a deep hole. It was going to take some time to pull myself out of it. This is a different perspective from SMSS, but I didn't find it helpful to look for a new romantic connection, even a casual one. I did find it helpful to try connecting with people who were not romantic interests at all - whether colleagues, professors (I split my time between grad studies and work), family, random old people I'd meet in my apartment building. I tried to take a deeper, more genuine interest in other people's lives, and it did help nudge my mind out of its own little world of misery. There are so many ways people go about their lives, so many different worlds of happiness and sadness and everything in between ... .it helped to rekindle an interest in everything around me that wasn't my own personal melodrama playing out in my head. It's not always easy, but the effort can pay off.

Also, I've developed a much greater sense of calm over the past few months. A sense that I can let time do its thing and if I function at 80% or whatever for a while, that's ok. I'll build back to a stronger, happier self slowly. And I've realised that, to a large extent, the feeling of calm is just a different side of the feeling of mild depression. It's the same basic feeling, but as I get healthier and have more time away from my ex, I experience it as a happier state. I think I became so addicted to the intense highs and stimulation with my ex, that anything calm and healthy and normal had come to feel depressing to some extent. As I get over the need for that constant emotional high, a calm or "depressed" baseline is slowly starting to feel healthy again.

I relate to feeling a little bit anxious or scared about all that. You know - am I just kind of a boring person now, content to live out a life of mild highs and lows, never to connect intensely with someone again? All I can say is that I let my mind have those thoughts, but I also let go of them. Day to day I feel better. I think I can build up my overall emotional well-being and happiness again, but I'm happy to do it slowly and with greater self-awareness after this whole wild experience with my ex. I feel my focus for work return bit by bit. I feel my interest in other people returning. I think I'm better company - certainly than a few months ago. My sense of humour is returning. It all gets better over time. But, yes, I absolutely relate to the feelings of distraction and depression. It has not been a quick process, that's for sure.

As you say, though, certainly comparatively good when we remember the first days/weeks after break-up.

[pjstock42]

SMSS,

I've tried doing this and talked to a few women but to be honest, I could tell that I wasn't ready for the whole dating scene yet and had to stop things from progressing because I don't think it's fair to lead someone on when I'm not in the right headspace to be pursuing anything like this yet. I know what you mean and I think that in time that will be true but unfortunately I'm just not there yet.

rfriesen,

Thank you for your input, I'm sorry that you had to go through this as well but it's good to know that what I'm experiencing isn't totally abnormal. I know what you mean about realizing that this is a deep hole that we've been put in. I have lots of mental conflict between accepting the simple fact that I'm just not going to be ok for a while vs. trying to artificially accelerate my healing process and trying to become totally normal / sociable again. It's funny because in the relationship directly before my BPD ex, I was in a long distance situation and I only saw my gf one day every 2 weeks or so, I was basically already living the single life and spending 95% of my time on my own in the same way that I am now but those 2/3 days each month were providing me with enough validation / relationship experience to not even realize that I was basically already doing everything by myself.

I think it's a natural tendency for our minds to want to push us towards happiness and that innate desire is what directly conflicts with the hole of negative emotions and emptiness that we have been put into by our BPD exes. If anything, I guess I should be thankful for the fact that the desire to be happy still exists in my brain and that I want to pursue it regardless of the people in my life, it's just going to take an undetermined amount of time for me to build up to tools to really pursue this successfully I think. This relationship showed to me highs that I never imagined were possible and conversely, is now showing me lows that I never thought to be possible either. Being so emotionally deregulated is definitely a new experience for me, the highs were easy to get used to because they were so pleasurable but the lows have left me in such an uncomfortable place because not only are these feelings new, they are also incredibly painful and disruptive. I know that things will get better in time and I suppose my biggest struggle right now is forcing myself to be patient rather than trying to make everything better right now.    

[valet]

Yes, in short.

But it is more related to the trauma suffered upon the loss and not necessarily part of the 'textbook' detachment process.

How disconnected do you feel? There are options to deal with these sorts of things.

[Rayban]

Went through this myself.  I just wanted to be alone.  I wold get phone calls from friends and family and I didn't feel like conversing.

I began turning the corner when a friend told me you know you're letting her destroy you.  Even worse I was self destructing. This is exactly what she wanted. 

I decided that I wasn't going to let that happen. I'm not going to give her that pleasure.  I began hating her for this. I have worth.  I still have difficult days, but my motivation has become to live well. That will be my victory.

I realized that I was dedicating my life to a person that wants to destroy mine. I would ruminate all day long missing her and the few good times we had. I was brushing off all the damage I allowed her to do to me.  I've had enough.

Im working on getting back my self esteem. I'm not quite ready to get into another relationship, but I'm reconnecting with my family grateful for their support.

My goal is to keep busy, finding ways to think about myself and how I can improve.  I've had enough of dedicating all my thoughts and feeding her all my energy. She is in essence feeding off me. She needs other people's energy as she is incapable of generating her own. I want her to starve and F'OFF and find someone else to feed on.

[Skip]

It's a sign of depression. 72% of the members report going through depression. You have a big blow.

There is a model of the phases of grief in the lessons:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

I've tried doing this and talked to a few women but to be honest, I could tell that I wasn't ready   

A significant number of our members got into a BPD relationship when rebounding from a prior hurt... .you're wise to lay low now.

[pjstock42]

Valet,

I'm not sure if I can really quantify how detached I'm feeling but it's certainly more than I ever have been before in life. What options are there to move through this?

Rayban,

I know exactly what you mean and I totally agree with you. I hate the fact that I am giving this toxic person so much free rent in my head but as much as the logical side of my brain understands this, it's losing the battle with the emotional part of my brain that just wants to continue allowing her to dominate my thinking. I wish you luck on your journey to evict your ex from your head and I hope to be following closely behind you.

Skip,

It's funny that you mention that last point because I met by BPD ex 2 days after breaking up with my prior gf of 6 years... .

[heartandwhole]

Pjstock,

You are not alone. As Skip pointed out, many of our members end up going through a depression, and I believe that I was one of them. Had never felt so apathetic and anti-social in my life.  Similar to you, I thought that my feelings and attitude would never change, which I think is just part of the depressive episode.

Lo and behold, I really did start to feel better and have been connecting easily to new people, have made big life changes, and plans for the future... .

That said, I do understand the idea you mentioned about being fundamentally changed by the BPD experience/breakup. Sometimes I still feel like an outsider in a strange world that doesn't make a lot of sense, but maybe that part of me was always present and the experience just brought it to the forefront?

Anyway, there can be a bittersweetness to recovery, I think. We can't "unknow" what we know, or pretend that we are not vulnerable to pain and sadness anymore.

Hang in there and keep on keepin' on. We're with you.

heartandwhole

[pjstock42]

heartandwhole,

Thank you for sharing your experience, it's always nice to hear from others that this does really eventually get better in time.

I was thinking today and something that people have always told me about myself is that I'm very patient with others. My BPD ex used to always tell me how incredibly patient I was when dealing with people in such situations as poor customer service experiences or even just someone at a bar who wouldn't stop talking. Apparently, I am patient with other people yet I haven't found out how to be patient with myself and allow myself time to get through this process. Sometimes I force an artificial swing back into feeling good/normal when I'm not really there yet, then when I fall down from this I feel disappointed because there's that part of me that's thinking "I thought we were over this now?". I think I really need to practice patience with myself and allow for time to pass which will hopefully bring natural progression in this process, rather than continually pushing myself to feel better even though I know deep down that I'm not ready to do so yet.

[rfriesen]

Apparently, I am patient with other people yet I haven't found out how to be patient with myself and allow myself time to get through this process. 

This is such good insight, and something I really relate to personally. And to borrow words from some of your posts, it's an insight I've nailed down at the logical level, but still have to work at on the emotional level. One positive here has been that I've started seeing the payoffs slowly. Throughout the day I might catch myself a dozen or so times falling back into the feeling of trying to rush things and putting pressure on myself - not just with feelings related to my ex, but with work or studies or trying to manage a hundred different things at once - and I'll just take a step back and let myself focus on the task at hand. One thing at a time.

Becoming patient with ourselves is not an all or nothing thing, as though we've either achieved patience or we haven't. It's a practice, a kind of ongoing care for yourself. What's rewarding is realising that every time I take a step back, see how counter-productive being impatient and anxious is and reset, then I feel I've moved the needle a little. I feel a little calmer and more stable emotionally. Money in the bank. Conversely, if I get off-track a little and revert to being impatient with myself ... .well, it's not that big a deal. No practice is carried out perfectly. It's just a chance to step back and get on track again. All we can do is put in a consistent effort.

Over time, I think you'll find you do that more and more naturally and cheerfully, and you feel more confident with greater awareness of behavioural patterns and how important it is to take care of ourselves with a view to the long term. I mean, what we want to establish are habits of action and thought that are positive and stable even in challenging situations. Then you can truly feel comfortable in your own skin and mind -- not subject to negative pressure and impatience from your own patterns of thought.

[valet]

Valet,

I'm not sure if I can really quantify how detached I'm feeling but it's certainly more than I ever have been before in life. What options are there to move through this?

In reference to what Skip said, this is a sign of depression.

I went through a few long spells of it myself, and it's not pleasant. You already have a big support group here that you're taking advantage of.  This is a big help when dealing with grief. 

Have you seen a therapist?

[pjstock42]

rfriesen,

I always enjoy reading your input - it seems as though we went through very similar situations and are on comparable paths although I believe you are ahead of me time-wise.

I think that part of the difficulty of becoming patient with myself is how I became so accustomed to the instantaneous validation from my BPD ex gf so it now seems abnormal to need to take time to get to a certain place mentally. Everything with my ex happened so quickly, we went from having never met to hanging out almost every day to saying "I love you" in such a short amount of time that my brain seems to have become used to achieving perceived feelings of happiness in an incredibly quick manner when in reality, that isn't normal or healthy. Ever since someone here posted a site about self-compassion, I have kept that tab open in my browser every single day just to see those words and remind myself not to be so self-critical about all of this. Throughout my relationship with my BPD ex, my brain developed a pattern of instant gratification in terms of getting a text from her, seeing her etc. and when all of that gets pulled away out of nowhere, I think there is almost a kind of retraining of my brain that I need to undergo. Since she left, my brain has been looking for similar instantaneous sources of pleasure/happiness and they really just don't exist but the "happiness" that I thought I was receiving from my ex never really existed either even though it seemed so real at the time. I can't lie and say that I don't feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness and longing but this is where patience towards myself needs to come in. This situation that I'm in is not normal and not something that anyone should have to experience, I understand that my brain wants to compartmentalize things and seek out the quickest path to peace and happiness but that is again the logical part of my brain wanting the best for myself and fighting against my emotional brain that can't comprehend this situation yet. I really can't wait to feel comfortable in my own skin again and your posts always reinforce the fact that this will happen for me eventually.

valet,

As I mentioned earlier, this community has been a huge help in this process and I often wonder where I would be right now mentally if I had never found this resource. I have not seen a therapist, I'm giving myself a 6 month window of personal grieving/discovery to try to work through this on my own - if I still feel like this in January/February, I will certainly seek out professional help.

[boatman]

Hi PJStock,

I can certainly relate to the disconnected feeling you described. I have felt that way most of my life. I usually deal with it through meditation. Rather than fighting it, I embrace the feeling of disconnectedness. What's important is to concentrate on the FEELING and not the onslaught of THOUGHTS telling me I'm disconnected.

 

[lovenature]

Definitely normal when going through depression.
 
I also am an introvert, through the years I have spent lots of time on my own; although I have had poor self esteem for many years, the devaluation and the end of the relationship absolutely decimated it.
I have found that I am comfortable going golfing, playing snooker, riding my motorcycle, a mix of being alone and with others; whatever you like doing that others have an interest in as well.

I am now over 8 months NC on my end; it gets worse before it gets better from my experience. I found the worst part of detaching from my ex. was early on, then I found the worst of the feelings of being lost, worthless, never good enough etc. came later on.
Like other members, I have found my recovery to be non-linear; sometimes it is 2 steps forward, 1 step back, sometimes you feel better for a few hours or days and think you are making progress, only to fall back down.

I try to take life one day at a time now, and appreciate the simple things.