Does she have BPD?

[ANewPlace30]

Hi all,

I've been reading *lots* over the last couple of days. The behaviour patterns you guys describe seem to fit my wife (upsettingly) perfectly.

Let me start by saying I love her, she's loving, caring, beautiful, intelligent and puts up with me! I married her happily and most of the time it's amazing.

But, it's the Jekyll and Hyde thing. This is as much as I've discovered so far. Her triggers are her insecurities about losing me and her needing to feel wanted/supported/needed. These deep triggers mostly manifest themselves at a surface level as jealousy.

We'll be talking away and all of a sudden I'll get the silent treatment, followed by a barrage of questions an hour later about if I think she's fat. That night I'll get the eventual accusation that I was looking at women and I don't find her attractive any more. (Perving on other women is genuinely not my thing - I'm the least pervy guy I know, I'm not observant enough of what's going on around me for a start and I have a pretty low 'drive'. I'm very happy with what I've got at home

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ANewPlace30]

Someone last night mentioned flowers - "you NEVER buy my flowers anymore" I bought her 2 dozen roses at great expense and effort (to keep them a secret) while we were on holiday three weeks ago. I didn't take the bait.

I have more female friends than male friends. I always have done. My wife finds this challenging. I got to a point where I stopped telling her when we'd been chatting as it just caused more grief. I'm not a great liar and eventually I drop in to conversation "oh xxxxx was talking about that the other day". "You never told me you were talking to xxxxxx!" It's catch 22. She hates me talking to them (but would never admit it) and then says me not telling her about a conversation is worse as it makes her feel even more insecure. The only outcome is me talking less to some of my female friends and I feel increasingly distant from them as it's just the easiest way.

Our fights used to be very explosive - I took her accusations of cheating personally. It felt like an attack on who I am as a person and what I stand for. It's something I've never done, or ever would do. I left her a couple of times and only came back on the privisor that she seeked help. In her none crazy state she says she knows I'd never cheat, she apologises prefusely, but still uses my action as the reason she did it. (Receiving texts from female colleagues at work regarding work matters, looking at other women, following female musicians on Facebook, reading a news article about a female celebrity etc)

Her counselling focused on her insecurity and eventually I was asked to come along. These sessions helped but I don't think the counsellor really picked up on the extreme nature of her triggers and how slight they were and how far my wife would push my buttons until I join her in the argument she really wanted. I felt the relationship they'd formed in their sessions meant the counsellor took her twisted word as gospel. That whole thing about feelings being used as fact is spot on. I think the counsellor thought I was sleazy and flirty. We (me and the therapist) also had several arguments about how *my* lack of jealousy was a problem! From then on our joint sessions tenuded to have a focus on improving me - which is fine, and I learnt a lot about myself and some more about handling my wife a little better in certain situations.

During the sessions I made it very clear to my wife that any further accusations of infadelity would result in me leaving her for good (and given I'd already moved out for a few days and ended our relationship - she believed this would happen). She has kept to this boundary ever since.

I suppose the question I'm asking is - is it BPD?

[jrharvey]

This sounds exactly like my GF. I think its probably BPD but all those things you described are just morbid jealousy. I think her counselor may not understand that and is trying to get you both to some middle ground. The problem is that with BPD to reach any kind of middle ground is impossible. The more effort you put in the more they try to take. You could give up your entire life and change everything about you exactly as they say but it will not make them feel better. May actually make things worse.

[livednlearned]

Hi Andrew30,

Sometimes even sub-clinical behaviors can put you in the ballpark of BPD, and even that is tough. I'm sorry you're having these relationship difficulties with your wife, and glad you found the site. This place improved my BPD relationship a thousand times over. People will walk with you and provide a lot of helpful insight and support to work the skills.

If you're wondering whether it's BPD, chances are you're dealing with something close enough to BPD it may as well be.

One of the baffling parts about BPD (let's just say it's BPD), is that parts of the personality are not well integrated. Your wife may be in one state of "self" and then flick to another. I notice the BPD people in my life have terrible memories, almost like amnesia. After a big emotional dysregulation, it's almost like it never happened. Whereas, everyone around them is flattened like a storm came through. For the person with BPD, it kind of didn't happen... .if they were fully in one mode of self, and then flipped out to another. They may see the effects of what they said or did, and know intellectually that the proof is in the air, but can't integrate the actions into one self like someone mentally healthy can (and does) do.

Sometimes, the BPD loved one in my life is in a child-like emotional state, and then she is like a critical spitting mad parent.

The jealousy you describe sounds like core abandonment issues, coming from your wife's child-like emotional state, perhaps. It isn't necessarily about what is real or not real, it's about how she feels. With BPD, feelings = facts.

Also, when your wife rages at you, she may be trying to get your emotions to match hers. It's a very unhealthy way to feel validated. If you can validate how she feels early in the discussion, you may be able to head off some of the emotional arousal.

Just want to say, too, that it says a lot about you that you can sit in counseling and take feedback about your behaviors, meanwhile knowing how your wife is driving a lot of the dysfunction. That's going to be an important (mature) state of mind going forward, it bodes well for the stability of your relationship.