Make me a bird...

[DawnisBreaking]

Truly the most traumatizing relationship I've ever been in and yet here I am, a semester away from a psych degree MYSELF and struggling with what is probably our 100th breakup in the last handful of years. This man has destroyed my heart, my life, family, my trust and nearly my psyche. I'm isolated from any friends I used to have and so alone that I am choking on the words as I write them. So I'm here, hoping to find the support from others who have braved (or are braving) this same terrible path. Others who have sage words of wisdom or even just a place to come to instead of checking my email for the millionth time.

Is there anyone out there?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi DawnisBreaking-

And

I'm sorry to hear you're in that state, very painful and confusing, although unfortunately not unique around here.  It sounds like the relationship is over, assuming you're committed to not having the hundred and first breakup; can you tell us a little more about your story, especially what brings you here now and what's up with you emotionally?  There are lots of folks here who understand and lots of great info on the disorder, so hang out for a while, potential changes are in store.

[hope2727]

Make me a bird so I can fly far far away... .


Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks.

I am sorry. I am so so sorry for what you have endured. Please take gentle care of yourself. It does get better I swear. It just takes a long long time. Keep reading keep writing and above all else keep going.

[DawnisBreaking]

fromheeltoheal: Thank you so much for asking me! I haven't had anyone ask about my story in so long, it took me by total surprise to even have anyone express an interest. That seems tremendously sad. And also has a twinge of hope somewhere.

I think my story is very similar to so many others I've read here in the little time I've taken to flip through the boards. Three years into our five year relationship, it was disclosed (through the uncovering of one lie after another) that he had been cheating for the entirety of our relationship. With multiple women AND MEN (something I never knew about him). He confessed to being a sex addict and went into a treatment facility but checked himself out after only one week.

During that time though, he received a whole battery of psychological exams. It was determined that he has BPD, NPD, varying levels of psychosis, a severe sex addiction, a gambling addiction and a "thought disorder." Basically, I should have run for the hills way back then. But he swore that he wanted to "get better." That was really just the beginning to a very long nightmare of breakups, lies, continued cheating and what became a severe case of PTSD for me. He's seen multiple therapists (all of which wind up ending treatment with him for one reason or another), and began and ended sex addict meetings but never even made it past step 1. We've been to three different couples therapists but of course none of their advise was ever taken by him or put into practice. It was always just last ditch promises as an attempt to get me back when I had broken up with him.

I've left several times (too many to count now) but I've never been able to make it stick, always knowing in the back of my mind that I'd be back at some point. This time though, I can't handle what my life has become. I'm a shell of the woman I was. My children's lives (not his) have suffered immensely, I've lost all my friends, and I'm estranged from most of my family. I'm even going to graduate in a semester as a psychologist if you can believe that! This just goes to show that even those of us with a tremendous amount of knowledge about what to look for, and how to be safe with our own lives,  can still wind up on the abused end of these charismatic but disturbed folks.

I ought to be seeing a therapist of my own but I'm too ashamed to even tell anyone the story anymore. It's a very lonely place to be, this healing point. No one else in the world that I know understands this kind of pain. It is in fact what always draws me back to him. *sigh*

How do you all do it?

[Moselle]

How do you all do it?

  Hi DawnisBreaking, welcome to our family. It really  is that. You are not alone. And we do understand from a very practical "I've been there" point of view.

How do we do it? One step at a time, one day at a time, one post at a time.

We are all at various stages of healing and because of that there is a wealth of experience to draw on at each milestone.

What is your next step?
What support do you need?

[DawnisBreaking]

Hi Moselle!   Thank you for the welcome. My next step I think is to secure some professional help. It's probably pretty crucial that I involve a therapist in my care at this point. Particularly a Somatic therapist if possible. What support do I need? Oh my gosh... .Friends. I think I just need people checking in on me and people to check in on. It's way too easy to get sucked back in to the cycle of the abusive relationship even though it's not a place I want to be at ALL just because it's familiar and it's not lonely. Know what I mean?

I think I could really use some advice from others about what they did (or are doing)  that is helping them to create new patterns and new habits. Getting out of old cycles when we are stuck in an abuse loop is super hard!

[foggydew]

What is helping me is getting involved in something which takes all my attention, preferably some physical effort, and contact with other people. For a few hours, for a day. Slowly the feeling of pain and unrest is lessening. The worst thing is being alone all the time (and I even feel panicky at the thought) although I generally enjoy doing things on my own.

[Imnotalone]

Whenever I am struggling I get on here and read, read, and read.
For me the mornings are the worst (I usually have various dreams and then one bad nightmare about her either with someone or a memory from the past.)

So I roll over grab the phone and check this. Try and take bits and pieces of others recoveries or advice and formulate it to what works for me.

Once I drew the line to not make it a personal thing and understand that they are the suffering and it wasn't my fault despite what she tried to project onto me.
Everyone's situation is different but I'm watching this person I loved so much fall apart and try and hurt me anyway she can / what she thinks is helping her. But enough is enough. I spent the whole relationship trying to help and love this person. It's time to let go. I have no claim on her. She's free to live her life.

You said you ended it with him because you couldn't live like that anymore - Well DON'T!


Retake your spotlight. Shine it on you. This isn't their show anymore, it doesn't matter how much time invested they have made their decisions and so must you.
 
Whenever a trigger comes to mind get on here or make a new memory.

[Moselle]

Good idea on the therapist. Try to find one with treatment experience with personality disorders. It's crucial that he/she understands this dynamic from session 1.

It can be a very isolating experience to be in this type of relationship. Do you have anyone you can trust, to support you?

It's Important to recognise recovery as a process with various stages. If you look at the right hand side of this page you will find the various stages of detachment.

The first one, acknowledging and working with feelings is a good place to start. I was numb when I started. I felt nothing so it really helped me to start feeling.

How are you doing feelings wise? Are you numb or do you experience your feelings?

[heartandwhole]

Hi DawnisBreaking,

I'd like to add my welcome to the others. You have come to the right place. I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. It is so painful to be hit with those kinds of revelations, and then add the hurt of losing the relationship with someone you care so much about. I've been there and in the beginning I felt shattered and basically went into "survival mode."

You've taken the first and hardest step in deciding that you can't live like this anymore. I think getting professional help is a great idea. It helped me tremendously. I'd say the three things that helped me the most right after the breakup were NC (no contact), therapy, and this site. None of those things are miracle workers; I had to start feeling things that I had always avoided feeling. I had to start seeing things about myself and others that I didn't want to see. It was a hard road, but so worth it. Today, I feel fantastic. My life has changed for the better, and in ways that I would never have predicted. Of course, the learning never stops. Fortunately, now I have tools that I didn't have before to help me deal with whatever comes my way.

What kind of contact are you having with your partner—do you live together? How old are your children?

Keep writing, DawnisBreaking, it really helps to get your story out. The members here understand. We care, and are here to support you through this.  

heartandwhole

[woundedPhoenix]

DawnisBreaking,

i really feel the hell that you have been through.

We get into these relationships that from start seem like we found what we always were looking for and slowly they start to grow sour, bit by bit we feel something is off... .but it's not clear what.

Until the real cracks in the mirror start to appear, and instead of running from this hard we instead become even more empathic, try to hold on cause we are not quitters.

We even might blame ourselves for the crazy behaviours of our partners and want to make it right.

We all wanted to save these broken people, and save the extremely traumatic bond we built with them.

And we may feel guilty at the end that we didn't succeed.


You are studying psychology and want to help people with it but probably also help yourself in a way perhaps?

I learned that i was co-dependant. i had some FOO wounds too that i did not admit to myself.

I wanted to heal those wounds by trying to help someone else that i could project my own brokenness onto.

Does this in any way apply to your own experience and situation in some way as well?