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[sumguy]

This kinda new to me but my ex had BPD too. I was only with her for about 6 months and did no research on it. The current girl is 100 times better and just has more in common with me than anyone I had ever met. I started reading about BPD  cuz she asked me so i would understand more. She seemed like my dream girl from the first time we sat down and talked. She is  someone I could really see myself with. I dont think she even did the whole talk me up and make me feel good part. I just fell for Her on my own. I knew she had some anxiety and mood swings but didn't know she had BPD too until around 3weeks. She is doing way better than the other girl but gives the credit to her ex sometimes. He doesn't live close but she can't get over him and it has been several months now. He is still closest to her and she is not ready to let me in. She Says that she knows it won't work but still Loves him and he knows everything about her and she won't really let me in so I can take on that role. I know it is no pic Nic to be that one for a BPD but she is very special to me and i think she is worth it. I  just don't know if I can help her in any way or just have to wait for her to figure it out. I obviously would like her to get over him for me but Mostly for her cuz I care about her A lot. I would not have a problem at this point if she got back with him if it made her happy. But she knows that they will not work and i dont want her to try it again and keep getting hurt. they seem to have Codependency  issues but i cant tell her to no contact . I dont know what to do. She has let me get somewhat close and then got scared and started over but i dont think we ever went Thru  the Phases cuz she is still hung up on him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

If she's still hung up on him,  she owns that,  and there's little you can do to help her other than focus on your own relationship.  I started my r/s with my ex still fixated on her old one (our eventual break up had nothing to do with that). It wasn't cheating,  but it was inappropriate contact which was hurtful to me,  especially when she started making comparisons.  Have you actually said that it's hurtful to you? (Is it,  or just concerning?)

To this day,  years and two kids later,  I still perceive that she has difficulty understanding or empathizing with others,  seeing their points of view. What may be seen by some as purposefully hurtful behavior,  may just be the inability of a pwBPD's inability to see this.  That being said,  it's still hurtful to us. 

Understanding the disorder is a good first step in understanding how we can change our reactions in order to reduce conflict.  Take a look at the lessons to the right of this board,  and also on the Improving Board (especially Lesson 3 with the communication tools).

Turkish

[sumguy]

here is the deal according to her we don't have a relationship. We have never been more than friends. She wants to get over him before she starts a new one. we had made a lot of progress especially when she decided to stop talking to him every day and slowed down. we got really close and i was staying with her a lot and we talked about living together someday. she started to finally show a little feelings and kinda start a relationship but will still not claim me as a boyfriend. She seems to be afraid to not be single and very afraid of commitment. now she is talking to him more again and has pushed me back to further than where we were when we first started talking but still says i have potential, i am the type she likes, she could see herself with me and that we are still a possibility. We had seen each other almost every day since we met regardless of if she is communicating with him or not. She is now making me stay away and acting strange and in need of major space. she even made me remove a picture of us that she asked me to post.  she keeps saying she doesn't want to hurt me and i know she is afraid of getting to close. she said that she doesn't want to lead me on anymore and that is concerning. i am trying to do what she wants and hang in there for when she figures it out. How long do you think it could take her to deal with her ex and give me a legit chance?

[Turkish]

Her figuring it out may be quite different that what your view is of her figuring it out.  Though I can't say at all she is like this,  it took my ex until our first child for her truly to detach from a previous boyfriend who was "The One." This counted a brief 8 month r/s with a subsequent guy,  the one before me whom I know she wasn't in love with,  also. 

What have you come to understand about BPD, and how do you think you can put it to practical use?  She is who she is,  with fears and all.  This might help as a start:

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

[sumguy]

I know about the cycle of close than distance. I feel like that is kinda what this is.she said that she was not looking for a relationship when we met cuz she had to finish getting over her ex first. I know that there is like an addiction between them and she has said that she doesn't want Me to get addicted. She thought she was ready and then took it way back. I don,t even care if they talk as long as she lets me in and is ready to start Something real with me. I have just been waiting on her. All i feel like i can do is give her the space but let her know i am still here when she is ready.

[Meili]

I know that there is like an addiction between them and she has said that she doesn't want Me to get addicted.

Perhaps she realizes that it takes a very emotionally strong person to be in a lasting relationship with a pwBPD. If you do not have a high sense of self, the pwBPD will destroy your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-image; trauma bonds can form, and an actual biochemical addiction can be created. It almost sounds like she's pretty self-aware on that front.

She thought she was ready and then took it way back. I don,t even care if they talk as long as she lets me in and is ready to start Something real with me. I have just been waiting on her. All i feel like i can do is give her the space but let her know i am still here when she is ready.

Perhaps your passion for her has sparked a fear of enmeshment within her? This could cause her to pull away from you or push you away from her. Once again, a strong sense of self can combat this.

You have part of it correct, you should give her the space that she needs and let her know that you care. But, there is no reason to just "wait." If you do that, you're giving her control over you, yes? And is giving up your own control a sign of a strong person?

Now, I'm not saying that you should run out, find someone else, and move on. I am saying, however, that you should just live your life and let her live hers as long as she wants the space. That you should focus on yourself and your needs and enjoy your life to the fullest rather than just sitting around waiting for something to happen.