Detachment by Fire

[StayStrongNow]

I have posted my r/s with stbxBPDw many times here so I won't go into details. I have gone through the cycles from idealization through her now having a replacement. I have gone through three recycles that ended with her DV. She has been arrested, charged and convicted on many counts. Many police officers now know her. She has exhibited self harm in the form of slitting both her wrists. She mixes her prescription medicine with alcohol and non prescription drugs. I have had sole custody and sole decision making for our D10, D8 and S7 for 10 months. Our divorce has been ongoing for 1 and 3/4 years primarily due to her episodes and changing custody orders and DCFS investigations and safety plans. There's more like her dissipating the assets, emergency contempt petitions etc. Tired of texting about it right now.

Now most recently after her last episode last week I have been receiving more texts about this time she is going to change. This has been done so many times I cannot event give you a guesstimate of how many.

So here is what I received last night:
"I know how hard you have been working and I just want to say thank you. If you can find any compassion or Grace for me deep inside your heart I'm asking you to please work with me and help me so that I can be with our children and be the best mommy I can be."

Oh my doesn't that just seem so sincere? Oh gosh, she has turned around finally? Well all I need now is to hear violins in the background.

Well thank you bpdfamily for all your help and education. Now I know how to handle this. First NC, no reply. Secondly, I do really have absolutely no compassion for her. She is a compulsive lying, fully projecting, have and is splitting me black, she is mean, cruel, sarcastic, cold hearted pwBPD who has invested all her energies in destroying my spirit. I now trust her as far as I can throw her SUV. I also surmise her attorney suggested this as a Hail Mary. Since my wimp ex-attorney is gone and my new lawyer is a good one, now there are plans in place to put this insanity divorce to an end. And if you haven't read me by now I want to make it crystal clear, I do not love her and I can't stand her.

I really sincerely feel for you nons who cannot break lose, I was at that spot. I was  so hurt, the seconds seemed like minutes, minutes seemed like hours of pure misery.

I finally changed after she poured her hate on me for so long, so hard, so decisively and put me through the fire and burned me for so long that it just broke any caring about her in me, that includes me lacking compassion for her. Oh well I used to love her but it's all over now.

[C.Stein]

I finally changed after she poured her hate on me for so long, so hard, so decisively and put me through the fire and burned me for so long that it just broke any caring about her in me, that includes me lacking compassion for her. Oh well I used to love her but it's all over now.

This would do it for me too.  That said, I believe many people haven't had the "good fortune" to have experienced this, so they are stuck between wanting what they know is bad for them and questioning/blaming themselves ... .mostly due to the FOG.

It is good that you see the words for what they are.  The words, as good as they may sound, are just that ... .words.  I listened to and held onto the words that were never really supported by her behavior or actions.  Words are cheap ... .action is what counts!

[pjstock42]

StayStrongNow,

I'm sorry that you had to be the target of such vitriol but I am glad that it was the fuel you needed to detach from this toxic person. Although I'm not fully there yet, being painted to black definitely pointed me in the right direction as well. In fact, the last thing that I ever said to her after she told me how terrible of a person I was yet  asked to stay friends, was that I could never be friends with someone who had such a negative image of me. I still ruminate about the good times quite often but seeing the true colors of this person and how much hatred/delusion exists within them certainly serves as a stark reminder of how this isn't a person that I want having anything to do with my life.

[StayStrongNow]

I believe many people haven't had the "good fortune" to have experienced this, so they are stuck between wanting what they know is bad for them and questioning/blaming themselves ... .mostly due to the FOG.

C.Stein I agree it is a good fortune and by me being on both sides of the fence of longing for her despite her having these disorder traits and being burned out of the fire I don't know what's worse. The good thing now is I know I won't go back no matter how she pleads her case. But the amount of pain caused in both cases is immense even though it's been said struggles are inevitable hurt is an option. These posts are evidence that hurt caused by pwBPD is so immense it is hard to make it an option.

[Mutt]

Hi StayStrongNow,

I agree with you. I think that it sounds like a hail mary too. The divorce is reaching two years and her L may of suggested to try to work with you. NC will send her a message that carries more weight than words. I'm happy to hear that the group has helped you during a difficult period .

[StayStrongNow]

Mutt, pjstock42, and C.Stein, thank you for your posts and encouragement. I have copied and pasted to my iPhone Notes your posts and others have given me so much strength and power by educating me about the traits of BPD and what steps to take to move on with my life. Her texts continue, she just called and left a message a few seconds ago as I wrote this, amazing what power NC has.

I will never go through this in my life ever again. I have now understood my part in this and I will continue to work on me to be the best person I can be.

Thank you so much, I greatly appreciated your post and to all who have read this and who have posted your posts on this site. On this board especially if you posted most likely I have read it and again thank you.

[Mutt]

Thanks StayStrongNow    It sounds like she's anxious if she's texted you again. I feel the same way about not wanting to find myself in a similar predicament in the future. My advice would be to take really good care of yourself and do a lot of self care often. When we don't take care of ourselves, unhealthy r/s's come our way.

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you for the encouragement Mutt. In my library in my Notes of the best of bpdfamily posts your posts and many of the post from the other ambassadors, site moderators and directors, board advisor and afromheeltoheal, Skip, Moselle, VitaminC and others such as JQ, UnforgivenII , woundedPhoenix, cSoMadSoSad, Dutched come to mind besides the aforementioned pjstock42 and C.Stein authored posts that are memorialized and as I reread over and over again their posts this has given me so much strength and courage to go on. There are many more, thank you again.