Sent this email to my son's mother

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I may have been too blunt but if I don't set and keep good bounderies I will stay sick.

Her and I cannot be around each other until she begins to get well. My involvement only lessons the chances she will do anything to help herself, she is no longer my concern.

This is what I sent her:

I am sorry for trying to help you when you reached out and asked for my help the other day. You said, "Jerry you were right about everything"

It don't matter who's right or wrong, I've been told what I must do to be the best I can be for our son and myself.

It is time I took that advise, and stick to my word to honor those who truly love me and are interested in my and Jacob's well being.

I will not help you in any way
I will not speak of your health issues
I will not speak of your abusive relationship, past or present
I will not listen to lies
I will not be abused
I will not be threatened
I will not live in fear

You seek narcissist supply when you ask for my help, it's your way of testing to see if I'm available
You only do this when you and your bf fight.
I'm not ever going to be in any kind of relationship with you.
Just Stop!

I offered you your best hope, inpatient treatment, then a lifetime commitment in recovery. DBT for Borderline Personality and medication for Bipolar and anxiety. Counceling for PTSD.

Good luck, Goodbye

I will only accept brief concise emails about our son, all else will be ignored.


-------------------------


Then I attatched a text I got from my sponser concerning her asking me to help her get treatment:

My sponsor:
It is not your job or responsibility. It's a way to draw you back in to the drama. She can & must make her own calls & arrangements. Stay out of it period. I am not interested in her issues.

I must survive to care for my son.

I hope I did the right thing.

I recived a responce just moments ago.

Simply said:

K

[JerryRG]

I may have been too blunt but if I don't set and keep good bounderies I will stay sick.

Her and I cannot be around each other until she begins to get well. My involvement only lessons the chances she will do anything to help herself, she is no longer my concern.

This is what I sent her:

I am sorry for trying to help you when you reached out and asked for my help the other day. You said, "Jerry you were right about everything"

It don't matter who's right or wrong, I've been told what I must do to be the best I can be for our son and myself.

It is time I took that advise, and stick to my word to honor those who truly love me and are interested in my and Jacob's well being.

I will not help you in any way
I will not speak of your health issues
I will not speak of your abusive relationship, past or present
I will not listen to lies
I will not be abused
I will not be threatened
I will not live in fear

You seek narcissist supply when you ask for my help, it's your way of testing to see if I'm available
You only do this when you and your bf fight.
I'm not ever going to be in any kind of relationship with you.
Just Stop!

I offered you your best hope, inpatient treatment, then a lifetime commitment in recovery. DBT for Borderline Personality and medication for Bipolar and anxiety. Counceling for PTSD.

Good luck, Goodbye

I will only accept brief concise emails about our son, all else will be ignored.


-------------------------


Then I attatched a text I got from my sponser concerning her asking me to help her get treatment:

My sponsor:
It is not your job or responsibility. It's a way to draw you back in to the drama. She can & must make her own calls & arrangements. Stay out of it period. I am not interested in her issues.

I must survive to care for my son.

I hope I did the right thing.

I recived a responce just moments ago.

Simply said:

K

[rfriesen]

You did what felt right in sending her that letter. It sounds like you wanted to make a firm commitment to yourself to maintain your boundaries and to give your ex one clear statement about what you intend on doing. How do you feel now about persevering in that commitment?

Many of us on this board have experience with trying to make an important, definitive statement to our exes, only to be met with silence or a dismissive response like, "K". How are you doing with getting that kind of response?

Stay strong, Jerry. You've made a promise to yourself and declared it to your ex. What you do with it is in your hands now.

[JerryRG]

Thank you rfriesen

I would rather see a "K" than read a bunch of her usual garbage.

Ive learned that she has BPD, I accept her illness and my powerlessness over her BPD

I've witnessed her new relationship and see it wasn't my fault in her and our relationship

She simply repeats this same dynamic over and over, typical BPD behaviour

She's sick, I see that and understand it now

She cannot fool me into thinking or believing anything about myself

Yes I am angry she don't seem to grasp how significant her problems are, again, typical BPD.

She won't give our son one dime of his child support,  she's selfish, childish she's BPD

I still love her, only God knows why but I can't afford to act on my wishes or desires.

I am ashamed of myself when I fail to see her true intentions and allow my emotions to get the best of me.

She is just too toxic for me to be around right now, when I get stronger? Maybe things will be different

My involvement has two sure outcomes

1 she gets attention and stays the same
2 I get sicker

Let her rise or fall without our interference

Let God be God

She begs me to take our son away, she's handing him to me

Her pattern is to ruin everything then lay in a heap of self pity, suicide attempts and other self abuse.

I believe with all my heart she begs for death, I've seen it long enough. She's running out of rope and she's running out of time.

[Turkish]

Well, it sounds like you shut her down... .for now.  She gave a very BIFF response.  This is what I imagine your BIFF response may have looked like:

It don't matter who's right or wrong, I've been told what I must do to be the best I can be for our son and myself.

I will only accept brief concise emails about our son, all else will be ignored.
-------------------------

It validates what she said,  communicates your point of view,  and establishes a boundary.  Is this it,  can you stick to this boundary without going into the past? 

In the future,  only the second sentence. 

[Moselle]

Well done Jerry. Consistency is now the key.

She will likely try to break your boundary sometime. How will you respond?

[JerryRG]

I agree with Turkish

BIFF, I've established the boundery so I just want to keep things simple. And yes, she will repeat the boundery busting, her relationship has reached the devalue stage so she's looking for another rescuer. She said a lot of interesting things about her bf, none of which was good.

For those of you who have gone nc and have doubts, if your exes are truly BPD, don't dought. They do not change, after all, we are dealing with something the very best minds are not able to fix, there is no "magic" cure. Bpd isn't as some say, an illness, it is personality, it is the whole of their being. This is my understanding of BPD.

My exgf has not changed one bit, I asked her to ask herself one simple question each time she debates her own recovery, "are you truly any better than you were 1 year ago, two, three, four years?"

Honesty and realization, self reflection may be beyond her but the facts still remain, she's much much worse. Her physical complaints are now life threatening. She's taking things to new levels.

Nope, she's just digging in deeper, while I'm already out and my biggest issue is acceptance of my progress and my thinking I can somehow help her. Those thoughts are slipping away, I'm astonished about the things she says and then the 180 degree turn and thinking completely opposite. It is a frightening thing to witness the true damage she inflicts on herself and others. My exgf is in shambles and I just didn't want to believe it.

Thanks everyone