Hi Lovelyheart,
I'm glad you found us, but sorry that you are so sad right now. Many of us here will understand how you feel. You describe a very difficult situation - both BPD and being involved in an extra-marital affair are very confusing things to be dealing with. In both situations, it can be very hard to know where you stand - to feel any sense of safety in the relationship. That can create a lot of excitement, of course, but at a high price. You've come to the right place to heal.
Are you broken up now? I'm sorry, I don't understand which of you is actually married - or both? Are you in contact at all? How long since you stopped seeing each other?
As you say you are a coach, I'm understanding that you have some familiarity with self-development tools. This site offers lots of good ones too. But I am also understanding that using tools can be lonely work, and sometimes we're just too tired to pick them up and use them. We need to hear from others how they feel and what has worked for them.
Yet the wounds that took me into that relationship are so hard to heal outside of it.
There is something very true and important here. Wounds take us in, and sometimes we are in a relationship to either avoid those wounds or somehow try to fix them. Which is it for you? Or is there another possibility I'm forgetting about?
For me, it was a combination. And, again, if I understood you correctly, sometimes it can feel that when the relationship is not there anymore, all we are left with is the wounds from that relationship and the original ones - our own ones - that took us into it. We might feel as if we *need* that other person to fix our own wounds. That can be a very complex kind of "fixing". Is it something like that? That's a hard place to be in.
But it's also a place of great potential, as I think you recognize yourself. A place from which many good and healthy and healing and powerful things can happen.
Keep posting, keep talking. We're listening.
