Overwhelmed/Reflecting

[purekalm]

Hey,

To be honest, I'm overwhelmed. I've been overwhelmed and I don't know how I've made it this far. If it wasn't for God's strength, I couldn't have.

My parents are fighting pretty bad again with both of them being extremely childish, my dad the most. Trying to placate them as much as possible without losing myself in the process. I finally let go of my husband and decided once and for all that I just can't let him treat my son or myself this way anymore so he will be leaving in a couple weeks, and he's tried to recycle me almost ten times now. My son has started school back up and he has been fighting me on everything I tell him he needs to do. (He goes to an online public school.) He's started acting up in therapy really bad lately due to the high stress of his dad when he's around for a long period of time. My son's birthday and the holidays are right around the corner. Financially, the struggle is insane. I'm limited mobility because we have no vehicle. If I want time to myself I have to lose sleep. (Like right now.) I have my own health issues, most importantly diabetes that I can't currently see a doctor for and so many other things.

Dealing with the mental stress while trying to be healthier in this toxic environment is so difficult. I don't have anyone to lean on, and then I get mad at myself for not just being able to deal with it all myself and not add to someone else's problems. I just want to cry honestly, but then berate myself for being too emotional.

When my dad started his whining and pissy mood yesterday, slamming doors and raising his voice I felt anxious inside, like I was still that child waiting to see what would happen next. Me and my siblings used to hurry and hide upstairs so we wouldn't be in his path. Quite a few times he would call us back down though, so it wasn't truly a safe place. I'm torn between seeing how sick and defeated he is and being angry at the way he treats me and everyone around him. It's like, I picked a man to marry who has the same personality as my dad, acts a bit airheaded and unfiltered like my mom, and it's all triggering when I'm not feeling particularly strong.

I just, I've fought my whole life to survive, I'm tired, but I have no intention of giving up. I just wish it was a little easier on me. Then come the negative thoughts that tell me why should I get to have it easy, other people have it so much worse, buck up and deal with it. I agree and then get angry when I realize that is almost exactly what my dad and mom would say to try and lessen what they put me and my siblings through. Then I go round and round trying to figure out, what should I feel? How should I think about this? Is it ok to "take up space"? To let my feelings show and not just stuff em and "get on with it"?

I guess I'm just reflecting, and trying to deal with the chaos in the meantime.

Purekalm

[Kwamina]

Hi purekalm,

Feeling overwhelmed is something I think nearly if not all the children of BPD parents posting here can relate to. Dealing with all of this is tough indeed and quite draining. Yet the positive thing is that you've managed to survive and by doing that have put yourself in the position to potentially thrive. As long as you're in it, you can win it, so indeed please keep with it.

I don't know how I've made it this far. If it wasn't for God's strength, I couldn't have.

You don't know, but then again, based on that last sentence it seems like you do know

You are dealing with a lot of triggers right now. Your difficult husband, your parents fighting, your son is acting up, your health issues and also the financial stress. That's a lot to deal with and I think it's totally understandable that you at times would feel overwhelmed. I would feel overwhelmed too.

Dealing with the mental stress while trying to be healthier in this toxic environment is so difficult. I don't have anyone to lean on, and then I get mad at myself for not just being able to deal with it all myself and not add to someone else's problems. I just want to cry honestly, but then berate myself for being too emotional.

Perhaps you can lean on us a bit so we can help you get through this storm. It would of course be nice if we could deal with everything ourselves without help. It is also nice though to have a place to get support when we feel we might not be able to deal with things by ourselves.

I just, I've fought my whole life to survive, I'm tired, but I have no intention of giving up. I just wish it was a little easier on me. Then come the negative thoughts that tell me why should I get to have it easy, other people have it so much worse, buck up and deal with it. I agree and then get angry when I realize that is almost exactly what my dad and mom would say to try and lessen what they put me and my siblings through. Then I go round and round trying to figure out, what should I feel? How should I think about this? Is it ok to "take up space"? To let my feelings show and not just stuff em and "get on with it"?

It is ok to take up space. That's what bpdfamily is here for to give you the space to share your story. Whether you take the space or not, the space is already reserved for you anyway so you might as well take it

I think it's normal to have thoughts about wanting things to be easier. Accepting difficult things ins't easy and it's normal to then experience the feelings you describe. The inner critic is clearly at work here too telling you that it is not right for you to have those feelings. I strongly disagree with that inner critic though and if he has a problem with it, just tell him to come to the The Board Parrot and I will give him a piece of my mind

Though we cannot physically be there for you in real life, we can be there for you in spirit. You do not have to go through all of this alone and you can lean on us too. Just like you have supported other members by responding to them, so can we support you too as you deal with all of this. Our individual loads might seem too much to bear, but if we lean on each other we can increase our chances of getting through because together we are greater than the sum of our parts. The compassion and collective wisdom on this board is a very powerful resource.

The Leaning Parrot!

[purekalm]

Hey Kwamina,

Yes, I do know how I've made it. I couldn't have done it on my own for sure, it's all just too much.

I guess it's more of the whole vibe that I'm "supposed" to be able to handle it. Like, what's going on now isn't as bad as some of what I've been through so it shouldn't be so hard and all that. I think it's more the mentality of not being able to reach out when I need it because I was told that's a bad thing and weak. If someone has been through something worse I don't have a right to be upset about my own situation. I know that's wrong, and every person and every situation is different. What I can handle someone else can't and vice versa. Only, it seems like I can't stop reacting this way and I'm not sure why. I think a part of me agrees that it's weak to always need help, and the last thing I want to be is needy.

It is also nice though to have a place to get support when we feel we might not be able to deal with things by ourselves.

It is, and it isn't. On the one hand it's a relief, but on the other I can't help feeling like a burden or weak minded. I don't know how many times I've almost asked get my account deleted, and it still crosses my mind. I feel like I'm in the way and other people need the space I'm taking.

Accepting difficult things isn't easy and it's normal to then experience the feelings you describe.

I can agree for "normal" people, but not for me. I've already been through so much that most things don't even faze me anymore. Every once in a while I just want someone to care I think. To validate me and my pain like I've always done for others. There is never anyone there and so I "buck up" and pull myself back up and do what it is I need to do. I think it's part shame that I even feel like I need help because "I shouldn't" need any. I know I can handle it, and yet I reach out, so I get angry at myself for showing any weakness I have. ... .But, I don't set the same standard for anyone else. Everyone else is allowed to be weak and have moments, but not me, I always have to be strong for everyone. As I write this I realize just how ingrained in my personality that mentality is because of being forced to be the one everyone leans on. It's still that way now, everyone in my immediate family still leans on me. My sisters don't anywhere near like they used to, I don't know.

The compassion and collective wisdom on this board is a very powerful resource.

I agree. I'm always appreciative whenever anyone responds to me even just to say they care if they don't have any advice. =)

Well, I'll lean on you in spirit then Leaning Parrot! Although, if you're as light as one I'd better not so you don't get crushed.  Thanks again for your insight and support.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Fie]

Hello Purekalm,


Thanks for posting !

I would like to join Kwamina and ask you to please keep taking space. I always enjoy reading your posts, that are full of wisdom. I always learn something.

I used to have the same feeling as you : compassion was always a feeling I had for someone else, never for myself. I had to do everything by myself, or I thought I was weak. I had to be the best. Asking for help was ok for others,  and I was  always ready to help, but I never wanted to ask back. Not because they would think bad of me for that ... .just because then I would think bad about myself. I was extremely critical for myself, and unhappy because of that.

I think for me what helped me greatly is meditation. While  meditating, I came to the realization that we are after all one, and all the same. So ... .if I had compassion for others, why not for myself ? I WAS them !
All of this I had to feel it, reasoning  did not do it for me.

What also helped was reading the book 'It's never too late to be happy' from Muriel James. It's about reparenting yourself, and I have found some very useful tips in it. I learned how to be more compassionate for little Fie, and I have also put a picture from me as a kid in my bedroom. I used to hate looking at pictures from when I was little. I thought I was ugly, and stupid.
Now I realize I was not, and I talk to the picture. The book had helped me a lot with that too.
Is meditation something that could be for you ?

Thanks again for your post.

[purekalm]

Hey Fie, 

Your first statement threw me a bit, I always feel like I'm whining!  

I could've written those exact words about lacking compassion for myself. It doesn't make sense to me how I can care about everyone but myself. Yet, I do care about myself, just not on the same level as everyone else.

While meditating, I came to the realization that we are after all one, and all the same. ... .All of this I had to feel it, reasoning did not do it for me.

I've known this for a long time. I know that God sees me and loves me because I exist, like everyone. I think quite a bit. I'm one of those people that wake up almost instantly because my mind kicks into gear as soon as my body registers I'm no longer sleeping, sometimes even before that. I don't even have to open my eyes. I just find it so hard to apply it to myself. I want to, and I try to, and then I feel like "how dare I say that I'm important or have value?". Of course, the other voice is "why not believe it? you know you're no worse or better than anyone else". The only thing I can think of consciously is that I was told how "different" and "special" I was and was set apart not only by my parents but teachers, elder people at church, people who just met me, and I know I'm "different" but it's hard to explain. Most people would say that I'm trying to say I am really special and just trying to get attention, but the reality is I don't want to stick out in any way shape or form and so I find it hard to accept that I have value because it's also saying I'm unique and special like everyone in this world, and I just get stuck.

I looked up the book and my local library has it, so I'm going to check it out and see what it has to say.   I'm sorry you felt that way about yourself when you were little. I'm glad you've been able to see the truth of it and be able to accept it. =)

Even when I was little I lived in my head and didn't think the way most did. The earliest memory I have is when I was three years old and I tried to run away from home at four or five. The more I've learned about autism and helping my son, thinking and hearing about myself from the perspective of my mom I believe that I at the least have some autistic tendencies and made me feel even more alien in my already messed up world.

I have tried and continue to try meditation. It's hard to shut my mind off. I try focusing on God and it works for a bit but I've got a long way to go because my mind wanders to a million things so easily. Also, I love books and writing so I used to read and make up stories to escape and it's all too easy to do that when I'm trying to be quiet and focus. Other times, I'm just so tired I fall asleep!

Thank you for your reply and suggestions.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Sunfl0wer]

I have tried and continue to try meditation. It's hard to shut my mind off

Fwiw:  I too have great trouble turning my mind off.  I have had more success and peaceful fulfilling moments with guided meditations from youtube.  I tend to pick a meditation with some topic that it will do a guide on. 

[Harri]

Hi purekalm.  I too agree and hope that you stay and keep 'taking space'.  When you do so you in fact create even more room for others to receive help.  You see, when you post, often a word or phrase will trigger some connection previously not seen, or tap into a feeling that is just lingering under the surface in someone who is in pain or is confused.  Your reaching out creates openings for others to step into.  so if you can't do it entirely for yourself just yet, please remember others are bnfitting as well.

You posted in the thread I started just yesterday so you know we share some of the same beliefs about ourselves and had some of the same messages drilled into every fiber of us as we grew up.  It is hard to rewrite the old 'rules and messages with healthier and more compassionate ones and do things differently but we must.  

The beliefs we share, that we are less than, less worthy, are held to different standards than other folks and that asking for help or talking about stuff is a whiney and weak thing to do are false.  Those beliefs are based on lies.  Logically you know this.  It makes no sense that what applies to others does not apply to you but there you have it.  It is illogical and false.  I am not sure how to change the beliefs as I have just started the whole process so I can't help you there, but I can walk along side you on this part of your journey.  

wishing you peace

PS, if you take insulin for your diabetes and are having trouble affording it, send me a PM and I can give you some helpful info.  I hope you can get in to see a doctor soon about it.  unregulated blood sugars affects everything including cognition and emotional regulation.  You have enough going on without that on top of it all.

[purekalm]

Hello!

Sunfl0wer I'm sorry but I don't understand what you mean by a guided meditation. Thanks for your suggestion though, maybe I can google it. =)

Harri That is very true because the same has happened for me by reading others posts. It was something that stuck out to me like, hey I can relate to that or I never thought of that before! Yeah, it's hard to do anything for myself without feeling selfish, I'm still working on that one. It ties in to what I'm talking about here, one big mess.

Thank you for walking with me. I at once don't feel so alone and feel compassion and sorrow that you've had to experience your own pain and false beliefs. Thank you, peace is what I need. Peace to you as well Harri.

Interesting note, but I believe I was misdiagnosed as a child. I was thinking about this the other day and when I was about 12 or 13 I was diagnosed with anemia. I have had worse sensory issues than I do now and so, yeah, the doctors pretty much hated me because I was difficult. Thing is, even back then I had signs of diabetes. I was always tired so that's what they said... .being poor they don't care as much what happens to you. Even with my extremely difficult pregnancy my iron was always more than fine, but I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. About a year ago I was diagnosed with diabetes, six years later. So, since I didn't care too much for myself I never really took care of it consistently. I have trouble stabbing myself because it goes against every instinct I have not to injure myself, and also injecting a bunch of chemicals into my body. When I was pregnant and got to the point I needed insulin my stbxh did it. My sugars are regularly way over the limit, and since I've learned to cope throughout my life just thinking it was my "anemia" making me so tired or feel like crap it's hard to wrap my mind around the fact there's something I can do to feel better. With my previous doctor not really caring that much, always being tired and forgetting to put in my medication or authorize it I figured, well, if she doesn't really care then why should I? More recently, I've been trying to take better care of myself so I actually want to go see a doctor and take the stuff as prescribed. It did take away the constant tiredness mostly. So, hopefully I'll be able to get there soon. Thanks for caring Harri.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

P.S. I just remembered, someone helped us with an older vehicle that needs a bit of work so I should be able to get back on track with all of that soon! =)

[Sunfl0wer]

Here is one that I found about recovering from a break up that worked well for me:  https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-7Pc9-L1lHU

I used to think I was failing at meditation for not being able to clear my mind.  Then I learned that there are different ways to meditate and many do not require having a blank mind.  An easier thing for me to relax and meditate without guided words from a video is to simply focus on the breath and continue returning focus on breath.  Then to look into the body for signs of stress and focus the breath their until relaxation occurs.

[Harri]

Hi again PK.  Thanks for the wish for peace.  I'm glad you don't feel so alone tho I am sorry for the crappy circumstances. 

I am glad to read that you are willing to take better care of yourself and that you realize managing your diabetes is part of that.  How frustrating and infurating it is that your past medical doctors showed such disreagard for you and your health.  I currently use an insulin pump but prior to that I was taking between 8 to 10 injections a day as my fast acting insulin dosing was based on carb counting and correction factors (I get much better control that way).  So I know what it is to inject.  Just remember don't look at the needle and jab yourself fast!  You barely feel it that way!   What you said about not wanting to hurt yourself or inject chemicals into your body really struck me.  I can relate and felt the same when i was first diagnosed.  The thing is though, you are actually causing yourself more harm in the long term by not injecting.  Also, insulin is a hormaone your body needs to regulate so many systems.  In that way, I view it as something different from medicine or chemicals.  Not sure if that will help or if the following will help (I have to preface it with stating that I have a warped sense of humor and view on many things):  I would rather inject myself with hormones as many times as I need to every day than end up a blind double amputee on dialysis.     

Okay, on that happy note   , I am going to end this post.  Again, wishing you peace as you face these challenges.

[purekalm]

Thanks for the info Sunfl0wer. I will check it out. That's interesting. I've heard a lot of people that are really helped by meditation in some form or another. I used to be able to be calmer internally but it's like I shut down for a long time and when I started back up everything kicked into high gear and I had to learn to feel all over again. I am a pretty laid back person the majority of the time, (hence the name) but I can get stressed pretty easily when a whole lot things hit me at once and I'm feeling low.

Harri!   Back at ya. I get it. The initial diagnosis was when I was hospitalized for a stupid spider bite that turned extremely quickly into a life threatening MRSA infection. Those people told me how serious it was and they gave me insulin as part of my regimen while there but I skipped almost every meal because the drugs and insulin and hospital atmosphere got to me and I felt sick constantly. It took a whole week to get the smell outta my nose when I got home, shudder.

Anyways, since I've been an adult I haven't been a problem patient by any means and when I was in the hospital they kept telling me what a good patient I was and would come to check on me just because I never used the button! It all depends on the doctor or nurse you get. My mom's doctor actually cares about her diabetes and other health issues, so that's good. Her sugar rarely goes over 120 and mine are regularly over 200 or 300. Like I said, even though that's insane to some, I've felt like this my whole life so it was hard to take seriously even for myself. When the doctor didn't care either, I was like, eh, whatever then.

Now that I'm less healthy and older I can feel it's affects more and I want to be here and set a good example for my son to be healthy. I don't want him not taking care of himself because he sees me doing the same. So, because of my son more so than even myself right now I'll get back there and speak up if I'm treated like I don't matter this time. Thanks for caring Harri.   

You know, I also think it's just something weird about me like that. I couldn't even swallow pills until there was literally no other option for a separate health issue at the time and had to learn and force myself to. I was always made fun of. Thing is, I have a pretty good gag reflex so I can't hardly stand anything in my mouth unless it's supposed to be there, so I almost threw up and gagged quite a bit before I could manage it! When I first got the insulin this last time I got it all together and I just couldn't do it. I don't know what it is, I was just like no... .it was hard enough to jab my finger to check my sugar but I finally got used to it so I know I can do the same with the insulin.

Thanks for the peace wishes, I need them. Sending a bucket of peace to wash our your head today Harri. Thanks again. 

Sincerely,

Purekalm