Devastated and confused

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all. I'm new to the forum.

6 weeks ago my uBPDh left me. We have been married for 10 years. He left me while I was at work, called me there to say he had packed and was leaving because he 'didn't know what else to do'.

The night before I had explained to him how concerned I was about his mental health, as about two months earlier he was diagnosed by a doctor with anxiety and depression. He never took the medication and did not go to counselling as he said he was going to. 6 days before he left we went to marriage counselling where I had hoped we were finally going to begin figuring out how to solve conflict. The counsellor spent the majority of the time focusing on my uBPDh issues with himself (inner critic).

A few days after he left I got a very long email from him that was almost entirely written in third person, basically explaining how he is worthless and that I deserve better. A week or so went by with another email exchange and this time he wrote in first person, but was more passive aggressive, it was very dramatic. Towards the beginning he said he was still doubting and fearful or regret, but by the end he said that he hoped I never came across anyone like him ever again, and that he was letting chaos reign.

Almost a month after he left he finally 'permitted' me to see him face to face. I had a lot I wanted to say to him. He didn't say that much to me, but fluctuated in the same conversation (90mins long) from saying that I had to know it was over, to I'm still doubting and that he might come knocking on my door again one day. We hugged at the end and he started crying and was stroking my hair.

A few days ago I saw him again as I had initiated all the dividing of assets and he was all over the place again, switching from seemingly calm to very angry, saying 'I'm so glad it's over' to then asking me to hold hands. Once we held hands he began crying, we hugged, kissed and he said 'I'm torn'. He broke down crying more and then was holding me and stroking my face, crying and then eventually I left him there crying in his car while I drove off.

I read another thread here about 'I'm the trigger' and I'm starting to feel that way now, that he just can't regulate his emotions AT ALL while around me. It hurts so much.

[Firebird]

Hi all. I'm new to the forum.

6 weeks ago my uBPDh left me. We have been married for 10 years. He left me while I was at work, called me there to say he had packed and was leaving because he 'didn't know what else to do'.

The night before I had explained to him how concerned I was about his mental health, as about two months earlier he was diagnosed by a doctor with anxiety and depression. He never took the medication and did not go to counselling as he said he was going to. 6 days before he left we went to marriage counselling where I had hoped we were finally going to begin figuring out how to solve conflict. The counsellor spent the majority of the time focusing on my uBPDh issues with himself (inner critic).

A few days after he left I got a very long email from him that was almost entirely written in third person, basically explaining how he is worthless and that I deserve better. A week or so went by with another email exchange and this time he wrote in first person, but was more passive aggressive, it was very dramatic. Towards the beginning he said he was still doubting and fearful or regret, but by the end he said that he hoped I never came across anyone like him ever again, and that he was letting chaos reign.

Almost a month after he left he finally 'permitted' me to see him face to face. I had a lot I wanted to say to him. He didn't say that much to me, but fluctuated in the same conversation (90mins long) from saying that I had to know it was over, to I'm still doubting and that he might come knocking on my door again one day. We hugged at the end and he started crying and was stroking my hair.

A few days ago I saw him again as I had initiated all the dividing of assets and he was all over the place again, switching from seemingly calm to very angry, saying 'I'm so glad it's over' to then asking me to hold hands. Once we held hands he began crying, we hugged, kissed and he said 'I'm torn'. He broke down crying more and then was holding me and stroking my face, crying and then eventually I left him there crying in his car while I drove off.

I read another thread here about 'I'm the trigger' and I'm starting to feel that way now, that he just can't regulate his emotions AT ALL while around me. It hurts so much.

[JerryRG]

I have no answers but I can offer this   

You are not alone, and welcome.

Lots of good people here to help you through this journey.

[eprogeny]

I am so sorry you are hurting.  Ending any relationship is tough, ending a marriage is even moreso.  And with BPD in the mix, I can only imagine how much harder that makes it. 

Yes, we non-BPDs can easily be "the trigger".  But, then, just about anything can trigger someone's BPD.

It sounds like his self-shame is pretty strong right now.  Are you hoping to reconcile with him?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Firebird,



I'm very sorry to hear about the breakdown of your relationship. That is so painful, and I can fully understand your feeling devastated and confused. That is exactly how I felt during and after my breakup with pwBPD. It's so hard to witness the suffering and confusion of someone we love—my heart goes out to both of you. 

In my relationship, near the end, pwBPD swung between desperately needing and wanting me to take care of him, to fearing me as one of his abusers (he came from an abusive background). It became harder and harder for him to stay emotionally balanced the closer we got, but mine was short and long-distance relationship. I am no professional, but it sounds like your husband may have had a kind of attack of shame after the diagnosis and the therapy sessions, along with the fear of losing you. That may have triggered the impulsive actions designed to relieve that deep hurt.

You have come to the right place for support, Firebird. As you probably have noticed, this site has tons of resources and tools that can help make things better. And most importantly, members who have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through.
Things really DO get better—there is hope.

How have you been coping the last 6 weeks, Firebird? Do you have supportive friends and family around you?

Keep writing, it really helps. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Firebird]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the support and responses.

It sounds like his self-shame is pretty strong right now.  Are you hoping to reconcile with him?

Yes, he carries so much shame and called himself a monster that evening also. He also has referred to himself as 'the destroyer'. He is leaving the country in less than a month to return to his country of birth (he says for up to 6 months), so is doing the ultimate runaway.
Part of me wants to reconcile but I am fully aware that if this was to ever happen I would want him to have already been in therapy for some time.

I am no professional, but it sounds like your husband may have had a kind of attack of shame after the diagnosis and the therapy sessions, along with the fear of losing you. That may have triggered the impulsive actions designed to relieve that deep hurt.

I also think this is possible. His mother also said this to me. I know about parts of his childhood that could have caused the development of BPD but part of me thinks there's a lot more to it and over the past few months he had barely been acting like a person (he described it as 'being a ghost'.

I am very lucky as I have a lot of support around me and have accessed some counselling through my workplace. People say that I'm extremely resilient and coping very well, but when I'm at home I let myself really feel my emotions. I'm very sad

[heartandwhole]

when I'm at home I let myself really feel my emotions. I'm very sad

It's a very sad situation, Firebird. I'm glad you are giving yourself time to feel when you are at home. It's an important step in the detachment process.

The grieving of a loss can feature a lot of ups and downs and all arounds. Keep posting as you feel moved to, and let us know how we can help.

heartandwhole