They really just replace you and carry on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

I haven't posted here in a while, as things have been hectic. I moved back to the city that my ex and I used to live in, which has been a challenge - all the memories haunting me, but overall I'm happy I decided to do this. Even if I don't decide to stay, I'm laying certain ghosts to rest so to speak, and I'm proud of myself for having the strength to take this difficult step. My relationship like most on here fell apart within weeks and I was replaced instantly. He was engaged within weeks.

The thing that's bothering me today is that against my better judgment I did a little bit of 'stalking' on Facebook on his photography page (I blocked his profile back when it happened) and realised that he's back living in the area we lived in together! And possibly with her, although she may just visit on holiday (neither of us are from this city or country).

I'm irrationally angry. I shouldn't be - he's shown himself to be a selfish, spineless person and this just further confirms it for me. After everything he did, he has the gall to go back and live in the same area as we did and in the same kind of apartment (all the apartment buildings there are the same as it's the same developer)... .so the only thing different is the bride! I've been replaced, but everything remains the same for him - he's even back in the same job he was in when we were together even though he hated it there. Go figure.

As if that's not on enough, on the same page he constantly shares photos he took while he was with me. The majority of the photos on there are ones he took when we were travelling, with many being in my home country. Do certain people just have no shame or self-awareness? Or do they do it as an 'eff you' I have no regrets type of thing?

I WISH things like this no longer bothered me. I really do. But I'm still angry. Such a big injustice was done to me and I don't feel I've had the chance to release my anger in a healthy way. I feel like I hate him right now, I hate the wife, I hate his family who also stood in the way of us being together (cultural thing).

But yeah it's baffling - he's in the exact same life he was in with me. The only thing different is the person he's with. Same apartment, same job. Wouldn't surprise me if he bought himself the same car.

I had to write this out as this is the one place where I know people understand what I'm talking about.

[Hopeful83]

Hi all,

I haven't posted here in a while, as things have been hectic. I moved back to the city that my ex and I used to live in, which has been a challenge - all the memories haunting me, but overall I'm happy I decided to do this. Even if I don't decide to stay, I'm laying certain ghosts to rest so to speak, and I'm proud of myself for having the strength to take this difficult step. My relationship like most on here fell apart within weeks and I was replaced instantly. He was engaged within weeks.

The thing that's bothering me today is that against my better judgment I did a little bit of 'stalking' on Facebook on his photography page (I blocked his profile back when it happened) and realised that he's back living in the area we lived in together! And possibly with her, although she may just visit on holiday (neither of us are from this city or country).

I'm irrationally angry. I shouldn't be - he's shown himself to be a selfish, spineless person and this just further confirms it for me. After everything he did, he has the gall to go back and live in the same area as we did and in the same kind of apartment (all the apartment buildings there are the same as it's the same developer)... .so the only thing different is the bride! I've been replaced, but everything remains the same for him - he's even back in the same job he was in when we were together even though he hated it there. Go figure.

As if that's not on enough, on the same page he constantly shares photos he took while he was with me. The majority of the photos on there are ones he took when we were travelling, with many being in my home country. Do certain people just have no shame or self-awareness? Or do they do it as an 'eff you' I have no regrets type of thing?

I WISH things like this no longer bothered me. I really do. But I'm still angry. Such a big injustice was done to me and I don't feel I've had the chance to release my anger in a healthy way. I feel like I hate him right now, I hate the wife, I hate his family who also stood in the way of us being together (cultural thing).

But yeah it's baffling - he's in the exact same life he was in with me. The only thing different is the person he's with. Same apartment, same job. Wouldn't surprise me if he bought himself the same car.

I had to write this out as this is the one place where I know people understand what I'm talking about.

[heartandwhole]

Hopeful83,

I'm so sorry—that just sucks! I know in your position, I'd be hurting a lot.    

I WISH things like this no longer bothered me. I really do. But I'm still angry. Such a big injustice was done to me and I don't feel I've had the chance to release my anger in a healthy way. I feel like I hate him right now, I hate the wife, I hate his family who also stood in the way of us being together (cultural thing).

I hear you. And you have every right to feel angry and rail against the injustice of the whole situation. If you can, I recommend feeling the sensations of the emotion, uncoupled from the "story," if possible. Focus on the physical sensations and let them move through you while you breathe deeply and notice... .

How can you release the energy built up from this anger in a healthy way, Hopeful? You say you don't feel you've had the chance to do so. What's in the way?

heartandwhole  

[Cleanglass]

The best way to think of it is that you, the exes and the current partner are all for one basic purpose to the person in question. He'll pick off where he left off with you and the same will happen to the next person. Where we will see new people as new relationships, a way of starting again with someone new, they basically plod on with the next one. It's not real, or at least we're not real or of any value to them really. Neither is the latest one. Watch how quick this one gets ditched too.

Frankly, have pity on their latest conquest. And have pity on them. You're going to move on with your life and they'll be stuck. Chances are the relationship ended because you out grew the person with BPD and they can't handle that. I too have looked at my exes stuff in a round about way and it was a mistake. Infact I done it moments before looking at your message! I too felt angry and hurt. Then I felt pity. It's not love, not really. Not the way we know love should be.

People keep saying about dating and moving on to the next one, but I stil feel that's bad advice. Get better at looking after yourself and being comfortable and putting yourself first. Then you can look for the next. You attract what you project.

[Hopeful83]

Hi Heartandwhole,

Thank you for writing back to me - I always enjoy your replies 

How can you release the energy built up from this anger in a healthy way, Hopeful? You say you don't feel you've had the chance to do so. What's in the way?

Well when it all happened I was just so shocked that I immediately withdrew myself from the situation. I was deeply hurt, and they (him, the then fiancee, the family) were doing everything they could to paint this as the 'love story of the century.' In my heart I knew there was WAY more to the story than what met the eye, but I was struggling and vulnerable, so I backed away.

I don't feel I stood up for myself. I don't feel I expressed to them I knew the whole thing was BS and that they were all welcome to each other. I did write a blog post that surmised how I felt about the situation, albeit in a very cryptic way. The fiancee even had the cheek to email me to tell me 'how sorry' she was (I had never read a more insincere email in my life - I've never even met this person!). They, I feel, were taunting me, but I ignored it. There's a saying in my country that's loosely translated as "The answer to a crazy person is silence." I was totally enacting this.

The problem is, though, it's now that I really see how I didn't have a chance to release my anger. For the first six months I was busy trying to figure out what on earth happened - it was so out of the blue that, like I said, I was in shock. Then after it dawned on me what had gone down, I fell into a depression.

Now I'm coming out of all that and finally really moving forward, I'm angry. I saw their wedding photos, his mother grinning away (even though this same woman said she couldn't stand the girl he married - it was all lies to get me out of the way and bring in the more ideal bride from his culture) and it made me angry. I was more angry at the photo of her grinning away than anything else.

I'm a writer. I usually channel my energy through writing. I've held a journal this whole time, and it's helped but, I feel like I need to release something outside. I've written various digs on my blogs over the months - very subtle and nothing aggressive or tacky - and I'm happy that I've in some ways expressed my truth. But there's something burning within me, something that's telling me I need to do more.

It was a massive injustice. It really was. And they got away with it. I shied away because I was afraid of them - afraid of more bs. Now I'm no longer afraid and it's taking everything within me *not* to write something that's damaging and out of line. Hence, why I need to find a middle ground here. I've been dignified the whole time and I don't want that to change.

This guy was abusive. This guy made promises he didn't keep. His whole family bare face lied to me. NONE of them cared about the damage they did. I had anxiety for the first time in my life. I had a pain in my chest for six months. I had insomnia. I was on the verge of insanity at one point. I couldn't eat. I fell into depression. I self-doubted. When I think about what they did to me I just cannot believe their gall, their thoughtlessness and selfishness.

I am understandably angry and I need to find an outlet.

Hopeful 

[Hopeful83]

Cleanglass,

It's not real, or at least we're not real or of any value to them really. Neither is the latest one. Watch how quick this one gets ditched too

It certainly feels that way, Cleanglass.

Frankly, have pity on their latest conquest. And have pity on them. You're going to move on with your life and they'll be stuck. Chances are the relationship ended because you out grew the person with BPD and they can't handle that.

I cannot have pity on her. She's just as bad as him. Engaged within weeks of him coming out of a three year relationship? She knew exactly what she was doing, so I have no pity - whatever happens, she deserves every single bit of it.

And yeah, it could be part of it - I was too strong for him. It was always going to end up being an issue. I wanted us to move on with our lives to the next level, and he just couldn't break away from his controlling, manipulative family. So he lashes out and guess who gets it in the neck!

I too have looked at my exes stuff in a round about way and it was a mistake. Infact I done it moments before looking at your message! I too felt angry and hurt. Then I felt pity. It's not love, not really. Not the way we know love should be.

I agree at the last part, totally - it's not love the way it should be. Thanks for reminding me of that. It's nothing to envy, I know that much. They may be painting it as love, but I know better. You don't relationship hop like that if it's real love. You just don't. You don't go from telling one woman she's the love of your life to getting engaged to another within weeks.

I also know what it's like to be with him. She's not won any prize, even if she's trying to portray it that way.

People keep saying about dating and moving on to the next one, but I stil feel that's bad advice. Get better at looking after yourself and being comfortable and putting yourself first. Then you can look for the next. You attract what you project.

It's been a year for me and I'm only just starting to feel ready. I'm not forcing anything. I've focused on myself the whole time because I wanted to get better. I don't want to be in this position ever again - to have the man I love walk away like I'm nothing, no compassion, no remorse, no shame. I'm not this kind of person, so I deserve someone who will treat me the way I treat him.

I realise that now. It's just hard - I have so much anger about the whole thing that it's bothering me.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it helped.

Hopeful

[heartandwhole]

I am understandably angry and I need to find an outlet.

Hey Hopeful, I don't know what genre you tend to write in, but have you considered writing a short story based on this experience, in which the various characters get their due? It might be interesting to see where such a story would take you. I bet in surprising directions.

heartandwhole

[Hopeful83]

I like the idea of a short story, heartandwhole. Maybe I can start there to vent some of my frustrations. I want to ultimately write a novel but this could be a great starting point, just to release some of the anger.

I hate the way it consumes me at times  

[amunt]

Hopeful83 its funny because most of us have the same issues.

I lived in the appartment of my ex for 2 years, she replaced me just after
2 weeks after our break up and put the new guy in.

She sleeped with him in the same bed i was just 2 weeks ago LOL

it wasnt funny at first but now its so funny to me because these creatures
are really sick

[Leonis]

so the only thing different is the bride!

That is so creepy to the point it's also hilarious. It's like they still carry on a "routine" or their "picture perfect" fantasy that doesn't exist despite of what happened.