Her best friend contacted me.

[Dhand77]

9 months. It's been 9 months since the discard. The last 3 months have been complete NC. We work in the same building and avoid each other like the plague. It's still kinda awkward, but I'm kind of over that now.

I've been dating someone new for the past month and everything is going great there. I still think of my exBPDgf  sometimes, but the bad feelings are no longer as intense as they were. It's fleeting. Yet, it's still there.

Everything seems to be on the up and up. So ironically, something had to happen.

My exBPD's best friend contacted me the other day. She's devastated and depressed because she was discarded. It finally happened to her. She sees it now. She finally sees that I'm not the monster my exBPDgf claims I am. It was all so validating. I feel terrible for this girl. She's enduring silent treatment and she's clearly experiencing the same pain we've all felt. I've been trying my best to help her healing process with the techniques I've learned here.

Finding out that her life is not the way she makes it look on FB. Her life is a complete mess, the replacement cheats on her and treats her like garbage. Drug and alcohol issues have cropped up.

I feel weird about all of this. On one hand, I'm glad. I'm glad it's all falling apart for her. Glad the replacement treats her like crap, glad her life is a mess. But, on the other hand, it bums me out. It saddens me that it ended up like this for someone that I loved so much. Sad, that her own stubbornness and disorder led her to make terrible decisions. Sad that she can't even maintain friendships.

I haven't been here in awhile, and I've been doing pretty well. But talking about her again for the first time in 3 months is weird. It's such a mixed bag of feelings.

Anyway. I'm just ranting. Thanks for reading.

[VitaminC]

I haven't been here in awhile, and I've been doing pretty well. But talking about her again for the first time in 3 months is weird. It's such a mixed bag of feelings.

Hi Dh,

Yes, I can imagine that this is weird and stirring up stuff for you.  You could do worse than share some of the resources of this site with the friend, if you think that what you've learned here has helped you and is now helping you to help her.

Also, I would advise you to be cautious. Stay self-aware and mind your own feelings in this. Maybe you're recovered enough and are strong enough to counsel someone else, but as you know from your own process, it's helpful to have a number of people on whom one can lean and from whom one can learn. That's a huge benefit of this community. Trying to be together enough to help another person through emotions similar to ones you experienced just a few months ago is a big ask.

Take care.

[Dhand77]

Thanks VitaminC. It's just been really weird. She's fallen so far, and doesn't get it. Doesn't see how she's doing it to herself. She left me for an unemployed drug dealer. And now her life is a mess.

It's so sad and deeply satisfying at the same time. I've waited nine months to finally hear all of this. And it's kinda not as great as I thought it would be.

[eprogeny]

I still think of my exBPDgf  sometimes, but the bad feelings are no longer as intense as they were. It's fleeting. Yet, it's still there.

God, I wish I were you right now.  

Everything seems to be on the up and up. So ironically, something had to happen.

It was all so validating.

The proof of how messed up what we've all gone through, as this statement of yours makes me think you're the luckiest person alive right now... .what I wouldn't give to get that validation. 

On one hand, I'm glad. I'm glad it's all falling apart for her. Glad the replacement treats her like crap, glad her life is a mess. But, on the other hand, it bums me out. It saddens me that it ended up like this for someone that I loved so much. Sad, that her own stubbornness and disorder led her to make terrible decisions. Sad that she can't even maintain friendships.

I would feel exactly the same way.  They reap what they sow, but never what they deserve.  I'm just glad you moved on with your life and found a happiness you couldn't ever have found with her.

I hope someday I will find my happiness, too.  For now, I feel like I'm doing well just to keep myself from acting on any of my darker thoughts.  That's sometimes easier to do than at other times, but I'm managing.

Glad you got that validation, and hope the weirdness-factor wears off soon.

[Dhand77]

Hey Eprogeny.

You'll get there one day. It took me 9 months. 9 months and her discarding her best friend, before the best friend finally contacted me saying "you were right".

"You were right". 3 words that I never thought I'd hear. She experienced a heavy devaluation period by my exBPDgf, when she started to mirror the replacement. She told me all about how she morphed into the person she's seeing, and while she couldn't believe it, she knew I was right. That mirroring was a real thing, and she witnessed the change first hand.

Having her best friend tell me this, was the most validating moment of the past year. Hearing that the replacement is an unemployed, alcoholic, karaoke singer that cheats on her all the time and just uses her. Well, that feels both good and bad. She looks terrible and sunken in. She drinking heavily and using cocaine. She blew a $10,000 income tax check on that loser and now her utilities are getting shut off. Her hair is falling out. It's sad.

Her best friend thinks she does it all just to spite me. Just to prove she 'won' some imaginary game in her head. She's enduring a world of crap and faking it like its great just to prove a point to me. It's really weird and really sad and very validating all at the same time.

I focused on myself. Focused on my friends and family. Got back into my hobbies. Changed my look a bit. I grew from this experience. I matured emotionally a great deal. Her? It's like she regressed into a 21 year old.

I may be a 38 year old comic book nerd that still watches cartoons and professional wrestling. But I'd never act the way she acts now and I never will.

I hope you find that validation, Eprogeny. I hope one day you find out that the life she shows on social media is a sham. That deep down she's sad and lonely and has to put up with a crappy replacement because she made a terrible choice and now has to stick with him because she's afraid of being alone. I hope someone tells you one day, someone close to her, "You were right". Those 3 words never felt so good.

[gotbushels]

I feel weird about all of this. On one hand, I'm glad. I'm glad it's all falling apart for her. Glad the replacement treats her like crap, glad her life is a mess. But, on the other hand, it bums me out. It saddens me that it ended up like this for someone that I loved so much. Sad, that her own stubbornness and disorder led her to make terrible decisions. Sad that she can't even maintain friendships.

I understand these feelings. I think it's quite normal for the separated non to have this mixed bag of anger and compassion. You're not alone on this.

I think this might also be a valuable opportunity for you. In a similar way to what VitaminC suggested, observing this best friend can help both of you to heal and recover at the same time. I'd also encourage you to stay healthily self-aware during this time.

Thank you for sharing.