Please help - how to respond to threats

[CooperD]

Hi everyone,

I am relatively knew to the boards but have been struggling with my BPD wife for a couple of years.

I have been driven to the point of complete despair and really feel she is out to deliberately destroy my life.  Only last night she told me she would not even be bothered if I was found dead.

Over the last few years she has been physically violent to me, has threatened to falsely accuse me of raping her, has smashed up parts of my house, has argued with my friends and has told as many people as she can about what a sexual failure I am etc etc.  Thanks to all the wonderful posts on here i can see that those are attempts at her to isolate me and reduce my self-esteem to such an extent that I submit to her.

Like a fool i have pleaded with her / i have done everything i can to pacify her (sent her money / paid for flights / had work colleagues contact her to confirm im not having an affair with them !) but none of it makes a difference.  She just finds the next thing to focus upon.

My real concern now is that she is threatening to contact my work and make all sorts of allegations against me - being a liar etc etc (i work in quite a sensitive role and so this could potentially destroy my career) and she is also threatening to post all my details over social media about what a bad wicked person i am.

What on earth do i do

[JerryRG]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

My exgf threatened me with many false accusations and it just worse. I had to leave her.

I don't see any other way but to walk away, accept the short term consiqenses and hope they just find another victum to shread.

My exgf had a laser beam meanness toward me and all her exes, they will find something, anything to hurt us.

Eventually it only hurts them, if all they get out of our misery is knowing we are afraid, they will take that.

Don't give her any more power, defuse her, let go of the tigers tail, walk away with dignity and sanity. Realize they are the problem, not us.

My pastor told me yesterday, Jerry you a dear sweet man, when your ex says she's better, you want to believe her. What rational good hearted man don't seek truth. He said I'm so confused because what she says and what I see are completely opposite. Illusion, tricks, lies.

They are sick, we will never understand an illusion, we who are not sick are just not wired that way.

Maybe they look at us with the same curiosity and become angry that we can be normal and just function and be truly happy and content?

My exgf cannot tolerate peace or harmony

[Pretty Woman]

This is a rough one.

I want to give you a   first.

How long have you been with your company? I have been with mine six years and I told my boss there was a domestic situation. Believe me, if you are a good worker HR won't want to get caught up in this... .they only care about how you contribute to the company.

I disclosed and then my ex's equally crazy sister who I work with threatened me.  I ignored the threats. My boss already knew there was a situation. I was pretty untouchable.

In many cases threats are used to try to control. Three times this year I called bluffs on people's threats, one being another co worker. They were shocked when HR reprimanded them. The one actually told my HR director: I never thought in a million years she'd actually report me. I threatened her to scare her.

No duh. You need to take control back. I am confident you can do this.  Stop giving in to her. When she sees she can't get anything from you she will find another punching bag.

Take back control. Today is the day.
 

[Cleanglass]

In all seriousness, this can get very very ugly and damage your career and in fact your life. I plead that you go to the police and get yourself an injunction. If she's not allowed near you or to contact you then she can't make false allegations. A man on a rape charge is a very difficult thing to come back from. If she can't get help for herself, theres no more you can do for her. But this is your life you're talking about. Don't let another person ruin it for you.

[gotbushels]

Hi CooperD 

I have been driven to the point of complete despair and really feel she is out to deliberately destroy my life.  Only last night she told me she would not even be bothered if I was found dead.

Receiving these kinds of hateful threats and severely stepping on you verbally can make you feel confused and helpless. I encourage you not to let them get to you CooperD.

Over the last few years she has been physically violent to me, has threatened to falsely accuse me of raping her, (... .)

I received these too.

(... .) i can see that those are attempts at her to isolate me and reduce my self-esteem to such an extent that I submit to her.

I'm glad you can see this connection CooperD. I do think these are attempts to reduce your self-esteem and isolate you. It's alright, you're not alone with trying to appease your pwBPD partner with pleading and "doing everything" to pacify them. I'm glad that you can see that such actions don't make a lasting difference.

I also had what looks like a "prove you're not cheating" on me problem to a very large extent. That was really bewildering and overwhelming for me, especially over what I consider a very long time over a variety of non-intimate relationships I had. I too believe she just kept looking for new things to focus on to distract me from a lot of the real issues (this I discovered later).

Regarding your work concerns, I would support what Pretty Woman thought here:

(... .) I have been with mine six years and I told my boss there was a domestic situation. Believe me, if you are a good worker HR won't want to get caught up in this... .they only care about how you contribute to the company.

If I was in your position I would consider privately approaching my boss with the issue and showing what you're doing to prevent this problematic relationship encroaching on your work. This can also prepare the ground for him/her to work with you while you handle this appropriately.

I would also strongly consider getting the advice of a suitably qualified P or T. I would encourage you to do these quickly as it won't be beneficial for you if she took advantage of your unprepared position.

You're not alone, you can find support here. I hope you'll take care of yourself particularly well during this time as it seems clear that your partner isn't going to help you here. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Cooper-

I'm a little confused, in your opening post you mention your girlfriend, and in this one you mention your wife; is this the same person?

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very painful and confusing, and unfortunately not unique around here.  Do you have a plan?  Decisions made out of fear are usually the wrong decisions, and it's much better to act instead of react; what is the plan to extract yourself from this situation?

[StayStrongNow]

CooperD you pretty much described my situation I went through and I am still going through. I am so sorry you are going through this and I can substantially understand what it feels like.

Your job is critical and I know what it is like for your livelihood to be put in jeopardy. I lost my prior job because my ustbxBPDw was getting drunk at home while watching my S5 and calling me up during work hours and slurring words for me to come home. My employer was tired of me chairing meetings with top management and leaving to tend to my son and her.

On my present job I am still getting calls calling me out of work but this time it's the police commanding me to pick up my children at the police station because she was arrested for public intoxication, child endangerment, resisting arrest etc.

Too bad that most likely your pwBPD would not care that she would be committing a civil tort in the form of slander and defamation of character if she would try to call your employer and lie.  CooperD if the threat of her lying and jeopardizing your reputation at work is eminent, then I would recommend a talk with either HR or your boss and give them a heads up to her mental instability.

Further relating to your situation, I got a call from a detective about sexual assault allegations she made about me, luckily he knew about my ustbxBPDw's reputation and started the call by saying "I know about your wife's condition, I just want you to come down to the police station so I can ask you a few questions." I said yes and was almost out the door when I informed my divorce attorney about this and he told me not to go and have the detective call him. Never heard anything again. Amazing the damage control us nons have to do with pwBPDs.

You are past the point of no return. There is no returning now to that idealization phase you had with her. This devaluation phase appears to be going strong now. It's time bail out and cut your loses.

Keep posting, there are other nons here who are going through or went through the same things.

It hurts a lot to have to make the very tough decision to end the r/s but if you don't you will end up being hurt exponentially.

[CooperD]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your input - it still amazes me how my story/and the behaviours I have had to deal with are almost identical to those experienced by others dealing with a BPD individual.  That is my real hope that others have come through the other side

Heartoheal she is my wife (i'm English and at least in parts we do tend to use mrs/partner/wife/girlfriend/other half interchangeably).

Update to my post yesterday - i think she is currently experiencing some major anxiety / anger wave.

- told me she is going to go online to find a guy so that she can get someone hard
 and have sex with them

- told me she has already spoken to someone at my work about me and that she is preparing a file on all the bad things ive done to her (for the record there are no really bad things - never been violent to her / cheated on her).  Her level of bad includes me going out with my friends once in three months and arriving home 2 hours later than I should have done - she tried to report me to the police as a missing person for this.

- i've had to beg a colleague to provide me with messages/audio to confirm that I have never had an affair with her and that we are only friends

The problem i have with approaching work is that due to the nature of what I do -  I should have already told them about her - the fact I haven't would I very strongly believe mean I lose my job.

So I feel i'm between a rock and a hard place:

- I pre-empt and tell work and lose my career with my own hand.
- I wait for her to contact work and I then lose my job when they ask "why did you never tell us about her".
- I get rid of her and hope she never contacts my work.
- I keep her sweet and hope she doesnt contact work.

She can be incredibily sadistic and she knows she has this leverage over me.  

The false accusation of rape she was going to make is an example of why I'm so afraid of what comes next.  She begged me to have sex with her because it would bring us closer and allow us to be a couple and then as soon as it was over she said "that was rape".  The next day she then deliberately phoned a pharmacy whilst I was in the room asking if they had a rape kit ! I was in tears at this point begging her to stop and she just continued.  She then started searching the internet in the local area for the nearest police station so that she could go and report me.  By this point I was petrified - crying and begging her to stop yet she purposively got dressed and then left the property telling me she was on her way to the police station.  5 minutes later she returned to the property - she hadn't been to the police.

What kind of person does that to another human being !

I don't know what my escape plan is.

Several weeks ago I started to feel about ending it all  (I am not in that position  now and have no intention of that - my friends who know have provided support)

I have contemplated just moving and starting a new life elsehwhere so that she doesnt know where I am.

I have contemplated just telling her to "fxxk off and leave me alone" block her / no contact and file for divorce. Accepting that I will lose my job/career etc in this process.

Its such a messy situation and really feel like i'm walking through a minefield.

[gotbushels]

Hi CooperD  

I'm just going to provide some support whilst you consider some of the things others have mentioned above.  

- told me she is going to go online to find a guy so that she can get someone hard
 and have sex with them

I've been here several times. And it would trouble me greatly. It would help me to recall the type of person my ex is and if she's done this before.

Her level of bad includes me going out with my friends once in three months and arriving home 2 hours later than I should have done - she tried to report me to the police as a missing person for this.

I've been here several times.

- i've had to beg a colleague to provide me with messages/audio to confirm that I have never had an affair with her and that we are only friends

Begging can make one feel hopeless. To allow relationship issues to influence your work relationships can also make you feel powerless in both areas. I think this alone is a strong sign that there's clear and urgent issues you would do well do attend to. I encourage you to exercise some self-compassion. This time is difficult. Look after yourself. My opinion on this is that it's quite extreme an act. I've begged my ex before and it made me feel horrid. Self-compassion can help you.

Heartoheal she is my wife (i'm English and at least in parts we do tend to use mrs/partner/wife/girlfriend/other half interchangeably).

Okay. Some people interchange unusual terms. Are you married by law?

The problem i have with approaching work is that due to the nature of what I do -  I should have already told them about her - the fact I haven't would I very strongly believe mean I lose my job.

I know it's difficult but can you describe what this means? Does your situation even stop you from seeking a P or T?

[CooperD]

Hi Gotbushels

Yes we are married legally (married in the US but I currently live in the UK).  Right now we are in our respective countries which provides at least some safety net in terms of her not been a physical danger to me.

Regarding work - I should have told them about entering into a relationship with her right at the start (security clearance etc) I didn't do this due to not knowing what was happening with the relationship and the instability that it could have all just callen apart.  However it is completely my own fault for not doing so at the time.  It now gives her great leverage over me as due to her sadistic nature - desire to punish me etc as soon as i pull the plug she will fight dirty and go for where she can get me most.

However is losing a job/career worse than living everyday in hell not knowing if your partner is going to punch you or worse / accuse you of rape etc ? Rationally i can see that losing the job/career is worth it if it means not been subjected to her terror.  

[heartandwhole]

CooperD,

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It's terrible to have someone you love and trusted turn on you like that. I can understand your feelings of anxiety about her threats. I'd be highly upset if I were in your shoes. 

However is losing a job/career worse than living everyday in hell not knowing if your partner is going to punch you or worse / accuse you of rape etc ? Rationally i can see that losing the job/career is worth it if it means not been subjected to her terror.  

I agree wholeheartedly, CooperD. Don't live your life in fear, under the thumb of someone who wishes you ill, and who is likely mentally disordered. I know how painful that must be to accept, but the behavior seems clear, unfortunately.

Furthermore, if it were me, I would seriously consider going to my superiors and laying it all out for them. I know it would be nerve-wracking and embarrassing to do so, but if I approached them with my cards on the table, I imagine at the very least they would respect my honesty and integrity, no matter what decision they had to make according to protocol. I would  also feel more in control of my life, even if I lost my job (are you absolutely sure you'd lose your job?).

This is a terrible bind to be in, and I'm only offering the option I outlined for your consideration. This is your life, and you know what is best for you. There are other options that you listed in your reply above. Weigh them carefully and don't feel rushed by your wife's shenanigans to make a quick decision.

Bring your thoughts to your closest friends and to us here, and we will walk with you through the various scenarios.

What do you think, CooperD?

heartandwhole

[CooperD]

Thanks for your input heartandwhole and yes your right - who wants to live under constant fear and anxiety about what comes next.  I am already having to use sleeping tablets to try to sleep at night due to the anxiety she is causing me.  As i posted when i first joined the forums some are my friends are really concerned that she could stab me one day her rage and anger flares up so bad.

The ideas/seeds she will plant knowing that they will stick with me - for example few weeks ago telling me that she will post all my details onto the interent / pictures of me telling the world how bad I am etc.  The result - a night of no sleep looking at Imgur all night in case a picture of me appeared.

I am about 95% sure I would lose my job on the basis of not declaring my relationship with her.  Once I lose my job - my career is effectively over due to what I do.  It is completely my fault for not dealing with it earlier and praying and hoping that if i gave her all the things she wanted our relationship would work.  The reality has been the more I have done and given her the worse she has become (indeed she has told me she has no respect for me).

I think you are all correct in terms of trying to be pro-active in terms of getting a contingency plan together / what happens in the worst case scenario and think this is something i am going to have to get together asap so that if she does decide to destroy my career i have something else lined up.

[gotbushels]

CooperD, while it seems that way, it's not necessarily all about arranging a contingency plan. Dealing with faulting yourself for losing your career is a big issue to handle. I can see that being a big issue for you. The fact that the probabilities are undefined by persons other than you, and your partner is using it to put you under duress, that's going to affect your judgment.

The issue with some pwBPD relationships is they can put the non into doing all kinds of things and being in all kinds of holes. From the perspective of the person in the hole, what looks like accurate judgment turns out to be bogus. I'm not saying that's you--what I'm saying is that you don't want to be finding yourself in that position several months.

Does your situation even stop you from seeking a P or T?

Therefore I encourage you to consider this. Ps and Ts are not just for sick people. They help other practitioners, and they help partners of persons affected by mental illness. They give advice. Have you considered this?

[enlighten me]

Hi Cooper

Sorry you are going through this.

I have also had security clearance for past work. Depending on how sensitive your work is will depend on the possible outcome.

Firstly did you disclose anything to her that is still sensitive? If its already out there in public view from other sources then it wont be as serious.

Secondly what else havent you told your bosses?

My advice would be to come clean to work. If she has sensitive information that she may release then a gagging order could be put in place to prevent her going public with it. If it is a national security thing then she could very well end up getting in a lot of trouble. Threatening to divulge national secrets and using them to threaten and blackmail is a pretty serious offence.

If you dont come clean then the consiquences for you could be a lot more severe than just losing your job.

Who knows the job may not be as insecure as you think. Also if your area of work is that sensitive then regular background checks should be carried out. They may already know about your marital status.

[Skip]

I am about 95% sure I would lose my job on the basis of not declaring my relationship with her.

CooperD, one of the things we try to do is unwind the emotion here and get into the details - its easy to get depressed in these relationships and with comes thinking distortions like "catastrophising"... .

So in that direction... .

Is there any immediate threat of physical violence? It sounds like you are thousands of miles apart. Is that right?

Why are you two fighting? What is she upset about?

Divorce poison is pretty routine stuff in most corporations. You tell HR that you are getting a divorce and you partner is retaliating and may call your boss. That usually triggers a "refer her to personnel" safety plan. You could even have your lawyer send a letter to HR. This is not unusual stuff.

Lastly, when you say you didn't disclose, are you saying the you applied for the job saying your were single?

[CooperD]

Hi everyone

Thanks for the further comments.

Enlighten me - I was already in my job when we met (didnt tell anyone at work due to how unstable we were and not thinking it would last).  However in hindsight I really should have declared at the point we were involved together.  I didn't and thats my fault.  Nothing has ever been disclosed to her of a sensitive nature merely the fact she knows for whom I work.

Skip - your right - we are currently in different countries so the threat of physical
violence is not there.  The last time I was with her I was punched 4 times in the face to the point of splitting my lip (i photgraphed it and explained what had happened to the staff at the hotel but unfortunately did not file a formal report with the US police due to not wanting to escalate the situation or antagonise her).

In essence Skip we fight because i have become a trigger for everything bad about her life. Im responsibile for her health problems/her financial woes/the fact she is not yet a mother etc.  Accepts no responsibility for how her actions have created and contributed to these problems and is not willing to constructively work on them with me.  

It is quite embarrasing to say (esepcially so considering the nature of my career) but i have to accept that I am afraid of her.

As set out in the examples in this thread she is incredibily sadistic, physically violent and I really believe out to destroy me.  Beyond what Ive already posted I've seen her punching her ipad screen when I have been connected to her on facetime - symbolic id say of her wanting to be punching me / cutting herself with a pair of scissors whilst connected on facetime / punching herself multiple times in her own face to the point of me having to physcially restrain her.

Just writing those things tells me that getting her out of my life should be priority 1 and is surely worth losing my career for if it means i'm free of someone who has become my tormenter.