I drew a boundary and Wham

[chayka]

We're two days into a six-day visit from my mum. It's been a roller-coaster so far.

This evening I drew an important boundary and boy, did it hit the fan!  I got every trick in the book except full-scale verbal abuse, which she doesn't dare do these days because she knows I wouldn't tolerate it.

I'm feeling very shaky, but think I did as okay as possible. I didn't lose my temper and kept calmly explaining that yes, I do care about her very much, but what she's been doing isn't acceptable and I need this to change.

She's gone back to her hotel now and I'll see her in the morning. It's heart-breaking to see her so upset, but I know the drill from the BPD literature: draw a boundary, stick to it, be understanding and kind but firm, and don't try to rescue her from the boundary I've drawn.

Hope I've got this right.

Chayka

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY chayka:   

Sorry about your mom's reaction to your boundaries.  You are doing right, to stay firm with them.  The boundaries are for your own sanity, and the person with BPD will generally rebel to some degree (at least initially). There could be some EXTINCTION BURSTS at some point.

BELOW ARE A FEW LINKS THAT MIGHT GIVE YOU SOME QUICK AND HELPFUL INFORMATION:

BOUNDARIES

https://www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/beyond-blame-system/step-4

www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Tips-for-Communicating-with-Someone-With-Borderline-Disorder-8

[Turkish]

What happened that required you to draw a boundary? 

[Notwendy]

I've done this countless times, and I still am shaky when I do. Somehow, I still fear some kind of punishment. Makes sense, as when I was a kid, I was punished if I said, or did, anything that could possibly upset mom. ( as a parent, I realized how crazy this is- because kids do so many unintentional things like accidentally spill something, say "no" ( terrible 2's), and talk back as teens- all a part of growing up). I think the first steps I took at the age of one were on eggshells.

I was middle age when I realized that I could even say no. My mother pushed the boundaries too far when my kids got old enough to be enlisted as her caretakers. I didn't leave her unsupervised when they were little, but young kids need caretakers- and I was there to do that. However, as they entered their teens, I watched my mother enlist them to do things for her. One concern was that she would use them as confidants, like she did me. She was always trying to coerce them alone with her. I knew she wouldn't do anything really terrible, but was concerned she would triangulate them, or tell them information that was not appropriate for them to hear.

The times I set boundaries, my parents reacted as if I was the worst human on the planet. I broke so many family taboos- the big one being that it brought mom's dysfunction into the light. The other is that it made her mad, and as that saying goes, when momma isn't happy- nobody is. The dilemma they established was for me to choose their happiness or what was best for my kids and I chose to protect the kids. Naively, I had hoped for some understanding from my father, but he was invested in my mother's happiness.

These situations can feel like lose -lose, but I do not regret that I developed boundary skills, as having poor boundaries affected my other relationships- including the one with myself. Along with the fear- and the anger I faced from my parents, I also had a sense of pride in myself.

Boundaries are for us, not for anyone else. They uphold what is important to us. When we do this, we show that we value ourselves. The people with BPD in our lives may not like it- they may not ever like it. But we do it for us  

Bravo chayka!

[chayka]

Thanks, Naughty Nibbler. I've been looking at some of the links you posted. I read and re-read this stuff because it's always so helpful to be reminded!

Turkish, it's a long story but I'll try to summarize it. I found out about BPD nearly 5 years ago and started having childhood flashbacks soon after that. It quickly became apparent that the reason I'd always hated my first name was that it had been used to shame and control me throughout my childhood and into adulthood.

I'd always wanted to change my name, since I was a little kid at primary school, but never had the confidence to do it when I grew up. Well, thanks to a better understanding of why I needed to change it, I found that confidence two years ago and it was one of the best things I ever did! 

My mum didn't react as badly at the time as I had feared, but problems have been brewing and during this current visit, for some reason, it has got worse. Over a period of two days, she had made references to my name-change so many times it was becoming unbearable. On two occasions she told me very pointedly about people who "couldn't get used to" my new name and said I "couldn't expect" them to use it if they sent me birthday cards etc. (Note: I can and do expect that. It's a legal change of name, not something I've done for a few laughs.)

Throughout this I was getting the full treatment of piercing looks, head-shaking and a tone of voice suitable for a talk with an 11-year-old who is behaving very foolishly. I'm in my late 40s and I am soo done with this crap!  

So I told my mum this was not okay and asked her to a) Not refer to the subject all the time and b) Not keep telling me whenever she talks to someone who has struggled to get my new name right. (She has used the latter tactic before to gain leverage, the clear implication being: this is not your real name and no-one will ever completely accept it because your name is still the one I gave you. In other words, she tries to reassert her control over me.)

The rest you know - fireworks!

But guess what: most of today she's been on her best behaviour and hasn't mentioned my name at all! About mid-morning she raised the subject again, got upset and tried to put all the blame on me. I was misunderstanding and exaggerating and I'd upset her! I said I was sorry she'd felt bad and I hadn't intended to upset her, then gently repeated the boundary message again. After that it was okay.

Notwendy, thanks for sharing your story. There's so much I can relate to there!

And thank you, everyone, for being there for me! It makes a huge difference. Big thanks are also due to my husband, who must be well on the way to sainthood by now, judging by the amount of patience he has shown in all of this!

Chayka

[Notwendy]

I'm middle age and my elderly mother still speaks to me sometimes as if I am a petulant child who spilled milk on the floor.

The other day she requested I make my child do something she wanted that I thought was unreasonable.

I calmly replied, " you may have been able to make this demand of me, but not my child" and left it at that.

She got whatever she wanted because I was so afraid of her anger and my father's anger, but I am not afraid of her anymore.

[chayka]

It's great that you drew that boundary, Notwendy.  And it's really great that you're not afraid of her any more!

I have times when I'm not afraid of my mum, and that's very liberating, but to be honest I'm still pretty scared of her a lot of the time. It's like someone creepy and destructive having all the keys to my house, and I never know which door or window they're going to come in through.

Meanwhile, though, she has continued to behave better today. It was her birthday, so we also had some distractions in going out for a meal, opening presents etc, which was nice. I know it's only temporary, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Chayka

[Notwendy]

I have found that our relationship has improved with my setting boundaries. It seems counter intuitive because she pitches a fit when I do, but then we get along better. It isn't the push pull, as I stay neutral- not in the drama with her.

I think this is good for her. Decades of appeasement have taught her that she can get what she wants by terrorizing us.

I am not afraid of her, but I was terrified of my father's anger/disapproval and this kept me from setting boundaries with her for a long time. When I did, both my parents were angry at me. It was really hard, but I am glad that I was able to set boundaries, even if this was the consequence.

Glad you are having a nice moment with your mother!