CitizenBell I think your story would have given me cause for concern. A big signal for me was that she had a huge dysregulation episode within 1 week(?) of our relationship. Classic automaton-caretaker and enabler relationship starts.
Yeah that's how it seemed to start for me. It was even the small things that were intense, like "Can't wait to run into your arms at the bus stop". She'd told me she hadn't been happy in so long, and I remember when I was leaving to go away I said to her "Whatever made you cry before, I'm going to make sure it never happens again. I'm going to make sure that you're happy form now on, it hurts that you've gone this long without it because you deserve it." She'd say ":)on't worry baby, I'm so happy, I never imagined I could feel this way, that my future could be this happy. All I need to be happy is to be with you and that's never going to change."
Cue two months of me basically reassuring her and being her emotional sponge. But she never needed it. It was all attention. She wouldn't have dropped me so quickly if she really had needed someone there. Then the control started. "Can you reply to my message when you see it, I sit here waiting for you to reply." Little signs of jealousy, here and there, I actually didn't upload a picture of me and a girl from the volunteering place because to FB because I thought she'd get upset.
Then her getting frustrated with me over things. No major episodes of fighting or anything but just little comments here and there, then I basically just became co-dependent and felt like I always had to be there, as at the beginning she we had become so enmeshed. So I became the needy one, under her thumb, and I guess she just lost attraction that way.
I mean, it is crazy looking back to see how many red-flags there were. I was convinced she was in love with me, then it was just "I don't feel the same way as the beginning, I know I'm never going to feel the same about you, I'm sorry I can't give you the type of love that you want." From wanting to 'save all her clothes' so I was the first to see her in them, to not having any sexual feelings towards me whatsoever. Baffling.
The fantasy moments started before we were even together, while she was with her ex.
"Imagine we're broke down together on a train in the middle of nowhere."
"Let's go open our own media centre in Italy, and we'll just read books and drink cocktails. And we'll have five beagles."
The proposal conversation via text went like this.
Her: What do you think our future's going to be like baby?
Me: I don't know lover. It's a long way off, but I see myself with you for a long time.
Her: Me too, I don't know details but I just know we're going to be happy. I don't care where we are as long as we're together. I just know we're going to be one of those cute old couples holding hands when we're 70. Let's travel forever, baby.
Me: Are we going to elope?
Her: Run away. I like the sound of that. How are you going to propose?
Me: (Unsure of what to say) You wouldn't want me to spoil it for you.
Her: Ok, ok, haha. Miss you baby.
Me: Maybe I'll get a donkette (she loves baby donkeys) to deliver the ring to you on it's back.
Her: WOW, that would be amazing.
Me: Or maybe I'll just buy you a kebab and say 'let's get hitched'.
Her: I'm Northern, but I'm not that Northern. It has to be romantic.
Me: It's the 21st century anyway, men can do the proposing.
Her: No, you have to propose to me.
Baby conversations was:
Her: WOW baby, how cute is this (picture of baby clothes).
Me: You out shopping babe?
Her: Yes, I'm in (shop name), these clothes are just so adorable. My friend says we have to have lots of babies so she can come clothes shopping with me.
Me: I was getting a bit broody myself seeing the Dads taking their daughters to work.
Her: How cute will it be taking Stephanie (she even had named our future daughter!) to school? Hearing all about her favourite teachers and subjects.
Me: You'd have to buy lots of feety pyjamas.
Her: Stop it baby, you're going to make me cry, my ovaries literally can't cope right now.
So, I encouraged it I suppose, but I was never the one to bring those things up first.
Then there was the "that conversation (first sexting) was the greatest conversation of my life", "that night was the best night of my life ever", "that photo of us from the first date is my favourite photo ever", "my favourite sound in the world is you being tickled", "my favourite sight is seeing you smile", "I'm so happy to be with my man."
Though we were apart in those 7 weeks, the explicit sexual side definitely came out in the sexting. Man, the things we talked about doing and the fantasies we had. She wanted to go buy a French maid's outfit at the shops in Prague. Of course, she cried and we never ended up doing any of that and had sex three times on the trip in the end. The honeymoon came crashing to an end and it was never the same.
This girl gave me the greatest night and day of my life. We were both sexually inexperienced. First date we slept together and it was pretty awkward. Second time in the hotel room it was like we'd been lovers for years, so intense and so passionate. I've written in another post about the card she got me that night for my birthday:
"You've made me happy when I hadn't been for so long, when I'm in your arms the world fades away and I can see a future I never dreamed possible. Thank you for being my rock and best friend, you're my first thought in the morning, my last at night, every hour in between, be my baby forever." We'd only had one night together before that.
Next day, breakfast outside, walk by the river, sitting reading a book together. It was perfect, she would say it was like we were the only two people in the world, that it was like being in a dream and we were one person now. The night before she'd had her first orgasm. It seemed a really special night for both of us and I don't understand why she couldn't think back to that instead of looking at what was unattractive about me after the trip instead of just throwing it all away. I guess because it wasn't actually as special to her as it was to me.
