When will the grief end? My frustration

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have to vent about my frustration in the face of this grief. I remember the early months after the breakup, thinking, oh I'll surely be fully recovered after 6 months. Yet here I am a year and a month out and still in the throes of heart ache.

What patience this takes. What stamina. My faith has never been pushed so far. Because that is the thing that keeps me going, you see. I cannot stop moving forward, towards this illusive state of being "healed." Notice the cynism. I have bashed my head up against hopelessness. Because that is how dark it can become. Yes, we all know this. As if the real pain stemmed from continuing to live. This is a bleak and dreary picture, you'll have to forgive me.

But it's just this not knowing. When will I be completely free? Is that even possible? Have I been traumatized? Will I continue to have PTSD symptoms for the rest of my life? How do I know if I'm showing improvement or I'm just stuck? These questions, they nag at me from time to time.

The only way out is through. This I have to continuously tell myself.

Faith is faith in faith.

Keep the faith.

[Darsha500]

I have to vent about my frustration in the face of this grief. I remember the early months after the breakup, thinking, oh I'll surely be fully recovered after 6 months. Yet here I am a year and a month out and still in the throes of heart ache.

What patience this takes. What stamina. My faith has never been pushed so far. Because that is the thing that keeps me going, you see. I cannot stop moving forward, towards this illusive state of being "healed." Notice the cynism. I have bashed my head up against hopelessness. Because that is how dark it can become. Yes, we all know this. As if the real pain stemmed from continuing to live. This is a bleak and dreary picture, you'll have to forgive me.

But it's just this not knowing. When will I be completely free? Is that even possible? Have I been traumatized? Will I continue to have PTSD symptoms for the rest of my life? How do I know if I'm showing improvement or I'm just stuck? These questions, they nag at me from time to time.

The only way out is through. This I have to continuously tell myself.

Faith is faith in faith.

Keep the faith.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

The experience you describe breaks my heart.  I share your feelings: A longing to just move past it, the fantasy of seeing them and feeling indifference, to find the happiness you felt with them.  Time heals us all, it's unfortunately the only way we get past it. 

I see a therapist once a week.  I read books on why I love who I love, this has helped me to avoid coupling up with some women who were bad for me.  Exercise is the last thing I need to get going on.  We will get there, I'm sure of it.  And you're here, seeking support.  That's a very promising sign.  Hang in there my friend, you have people here who care.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Darsha500

You and I are about the same time away from our splits - depending on how I count my time.  I can relate to your question about the agonizingly long time that it seems to take.  I found that measuring my healing on a time-scale was counter productive.  Primarily because it became a unit of comparison; compared to how long I thought it would take, how fast others have recovered in the same time, where I imagined I would be after X time etc. 

How about a different perspective on your question.  What has improved over the last year and 1 month?  Anything?  For me, the answer to that question can feel like it varies from day to day depending and what mood I am in.  When I am feeling clear-minded, I am definite that there has been a lot of healing.  When I feel like crap, I don't feel that anything has changed at all.  And of course there are variations of both those extremes. 

In the beginning I felt like I was having daily awareness about the impact of BPD on my r/s.  Slowly that became less frequent.  As the insights began to build upon each other, the picture became a little more clear.  It has taken me all this time, approx. 1 year, to get to some level of acceptance.  While that is good, it still leaves me in a place with many other unresolved feelings.  But those feelings creep in less frequently and with less intensity; although still to an uncomfortable degree and certainly far more than I had imagined it would be at this point.

Give yourself some room to go easy on yourself.  Make a list of your wins - even the small ones.  Can you reply with any of the wins you may have achieved?  I am sure just posting your thoughts about all of this is one of them.

JRB

[molitor]

I literally just made a post on this same matter... I have made progress, but 16 months out, and she consumes my day to day. Not fair to have loved, and felt so loved... .only for her to replace me within a week and never look back. Stay strong my friend

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Darsha-

I have to vent about my frustration in the face of this grief. I remember the early months after the breakup, thinking, oh I'll surely be fully recovered after 6 months. Yet here I am a year and a month out and still in the throes of heart ache.

I can relate.  After I left her I thought I'd be back to my old self and my life within a few months.  Nope.  It took over a year.  It takes a while, and then a while after that, to discover how deeply and fully we were affected by a relationship with a borderline, good really, because it can unearth things we didn't know about ourselves and lend a new sense of urgency to resolving things that have been around for a long while.  You might have noticed?

Because that is the thing that keeps me going, you see. I cannot stop moving forward, towards this illusive state of being "healed." Notice the cynism. I have bashed my head up against hopelessness. Because that is how dark it can become. Yes, we all know this. As if the real pain stemmed from continuing to live. This is a bleak and dreary picture, you'll have to forgive me.

I get that you're moving, and you say forward to an illusive state of "healed", but isn't that really just moving away from wounded?  To focus on healing is to focus on the past, which is appropriate as we grieve and detach, and without a focus on the future we can get stuck in the past, or almost as bad, stuck in a present that feels sort of numb; can you relate?  So the way out is to develop and create a compelling vision for your future, the life of your dreams, and make it big and bright so it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And you'll be going on faith initially, which you already mentioned that you're familiar with, but after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, and before you know it you'll be living that life, with the vision as a target and a guide, but you'll also realize that it's not the destination, it's the journey that is life.

So what does your bright future look like Darsha?  What are you doing in that future, who are you with, how do you feel, and most importantly, who are you becoming?  Come up with something, for you and for others reading.  You're right, the only way out is through, and through to what?

[Darsha500]

Hi Darsha500

You and I are about the same time away from our splits - depending on how I count my time.  I can relate to your question about the agonizingly long time that it seems to take.  I found that measuring my healing on a time-scale was counter productive.  Primarily because it became a unit of comparison; compared to how long I thought it would take, how fast others have recovered in the same time, where I imagined I would be after X time etc. 

How about a different perspective on your question.  What has improved over the last year and 1 month?  Anything?  For me, the answer to that question can feel like it varies from day to day depending and what mood I am in.  When I am feeling clear-minded, I am definite that there has been a lot of healing.  When I feel like crap, I don't feel that anything has changed at all.  And of course there are variations of both those extremes. 

In the beginning I felt like I was having daily awareness about the impact of BPD on my r/s.  Slowly that became less frequent.  As the insights began to build upon each other, the picture became a little more clear.  It has taken me all this time, approx. 1 year, to get to some level of acceptance.  While that is good, it still leaves me in a place with many other unresolved feelings.  But those feelings creep in less frequently and with less intensity; although still to an uncomfortable degree and certainly far more than I had imagined it would be at this point.

Give yourself some room to go easy on yourself.  Make a list of your wins - even the small ones.  Can you reply with any of the wins you may have achieved?  I am sure just posting your thoughts about all of this is one of them.

JRB

Thank you for helping me reframe things. I really like what you have to say about the unit of measurement by which we judge our progress. How these expectations of the way things "should be" just make things worse than they need to be. Acceptance can be really hard sometimes. Accepting that it's just going to take what it takes, and that things will unfold at their own rate. "Let the chips fall where they may."

I'd love to share about my wins. Because you are so right, I have made so much progress. It's truly amazing when I think about it.

Here are the accomplishments I have made.

I got a job in the mental health field. For the last 7 months I've been gaining clinical experience that is going to help me get into graduate school.

Over the last year I've been souping up the car I wanted ever since I was 12.

Really though the greatest accomplishments have been psychological.

I've gained such a deeper understanding of myself. I've really transformed. And it's all sprang from a deep conviction that I am worthy of love, especially from myself. I now have this sense of command over my life. I am able to maintain boundaries and assert myself with out being apologetic. Something that I always use to struggle with.

I recognize how strong I am. To have gone through all this pain and yet to be resisilent enough to keep on. It's this self respect. Not to be pompous, but it's this kind of "wow."

It is depth. I have discovered how far reaching the depth of my being is. It's a spiritual achievement I think. A whole new view of life and of pain. A whole new understanding of heroism. There is this reverence and gratitude. This compassion that will not turn away.

[Darsha500]

Oh wow, such amazing feedback.

Yes I am moving towards a bright future of my own creation. I am taking steps towards becoming a clinical psychologist. I am applying to PhD programs in December and have been working diligently towards that goal. I can see it.

In this future I have a career in psychology. I've gotten an amazing education. I never stop learning and honing my craft. I am a psychotherapist. I help people to heal. I remain open to life and to love. I am not naive. I write scholarly literature and advance my field. I make a difference. I find love and I never give up on myself.

[fromheeltoheal]

Oh wow, such amazing feedback.

Yes I am moving towards a bright future of my own creation. I am taking steps towards becoming a clinical psychologist. I am applying to PhD programs in December and have been working diligently towards that goal. I can see it.

In this future I have a career in psychology. I've gotten an amazing education. I never stop learning and honing my craft. I am a psychotherapist. I help people to heal. I remain open to life and to love. I am not naive. I write scholarly literature and advance my field. I make a difference. I find love and I never give up on myself.

Nice Darsha!   

And the tone of that post is very different from your initial one; does it feel better having shifted your focus?