Who am I?

[PFCI]

So, I am still living with my BPDw due to having children with her, but no chance of getting custody or visiting rights where I live (Japan).

I've been married for 11 years, and it's been terrible all the time. 

My Dad died last year, and it finally woke me up to the terrible situation I am in.  After the initial grief, I decided I needed some help, searched the net, and found out my wife is almost certainly BPD and probably NPD, too.

This lead me to this site, and I'm working to manage my situation at home. 

I feel I've moved from victim to survivor, but I realise that over the past 11 years my wife has completely destroyed me.  Who I was is gone.  Who am I now?  Why did I chose a BPD wife in the first place?  Can I go back to being who I was before?  If I could, do I want to?  If not, who am I now?

I found a new hobby in the last 11 years, which is urbex.  But is that what I really like?  Or is it just a reaction to the stress?  Or I just didn't find out about it before I got married, but I would have liked it anyway? 

How can I find me?  I need some help.

[thisagain]

Hey PFCI,

All good questions! I think the first step to figuring out "who you are" is making some room for yourself. These relationships can be all-consuming and leave us with no space to be ourselves. By using the Improving tools, you can reduce conflict in the relationship and set boundaries to protect your "me time."

What did you enjoy doing before you met your wife? Do you have friends or family members who you've become more distant from because of relationship stress? Reconnecting with old hobbies and friendships are small but important steps toward getting your own life back. You can't go back to being exactly the same as before, because the relationship has affected you in a lot of ways. But you don't have to completely give that guy up either.

What do you think about why you chose your wife? Or why you stayed in the relationship before children?

Going to counseling/therapy for yourself can be really helpful with this process too (though I'm not sure if there would be cultural/language barriers?). I know I learned a lot from my BPD relationship and am a better friend and partner now because of it. My ex certainly had the mental pathology, but I had my own issues that would have caused unhappiness in any relationship. I'm glad that I saw and addressed those issues, and I wouldn't want to go back to who I was before. Therapy, along with lots of reading and posting on here, was a big part of that.

Hang in there! Spend time with your kids, do the urbex, and the Improving mentors can help you figure out how to defend the things that are important to you.

[PFCI]

Hey PFCI,

All good questions! I think the first step to figuring out "who you are" is making some room for yourself. These relationships can be all-consuming and leave us with no space to be ourselves. By using the Improving tools, you can reduce conflict in the relationship and set boundaries to protect your "me time."

What did you enjoy doing before you met your wife? Do you have friends or family members who you've become more distant from because of relationship stress? Reconnecting with old hobbies and friendships are small but important steps toward getting your own life back. You can't go back to being exactly the same as before, because the relationship has affected you in a lot of ways. But you don't have to completely give that guy up either.

What do you think about why you chose your wife? Or why you stayed in the relationship before children?

Going to counseling/therapy for yourself can be really helpful with this process too (though I'm not sure if there would be cultural/language barriers?). I know I learned a lot from my BPD relationship and am a better friend and partner now because of it. My ex certainly had the mental pathology, but I had my own issues that would have caused unhappiness in any relationship. I'm glad that I saw and addressed those issues, and I wouldn't want to go back to who I was before. Therapy, along with lots of reading and posting on here, was a big part of that.

Hang in there! Spend time with your kids, do the urbex, and the Improving mentors can help you figure out how to defend the things that are important to you.

She managed to separate me from all my family and friends, although my family live in the UK, and I live in Japan, so it wasn't too hard for her. 

One thing I have held on to throughout everything is the PFC in my name.  Being English, I love football (soccer), and I've never given up on supporting or following Portsmouth Football club.   It's been a constant.  She's mentioned it a few times, but she seems to instinctively know that it's something I'll never give up, so she didn't push that hard.  In fact, I recently went back to the UK with my oldest son for a couple of weeks, and we went to watch PFC play at their home stadium.  Sitting there watching the match was the happiest I've been for a long, long time. 

I recently stopped listening to music.  I figured it was because I was getting old (I'm 42).  I always used to listen to music when going to work, but I seemed to prefer silence.  Now, I'm starting to enjoy music again. 

I stayed with my wife because I thought I could save her.  All she needed was someone who really loved her... .oops.  Turns out that's not true. 

I too have problems (my ex before my wife also had BPD and NPD traits, and I'm co-dependent.) 

Sorting out the things I want to do and don't and making space for myself to get healthy are the important things now.  I've only really worked out what was happening a week ago, so I've got a long way to go.   

[joeramabeme]

Hi PFCI

Quite a story you living overseas with your uBPDw and children and residing in an Eastern culture with different laws and cultural norms around divorce.  I am not sure if this will be terribly helpful but my knee jerk reaction to your question is; divorce or separation will not change who you are.  In reading your post I sense that you are very aware of yourself but in the midst of asking a lot of "why" questions.  In getting the answers to those questions we clarify, but not define, who we are. 

You like football, are English, are a Dad, a husband, son, sibling(?), traveler, worker, interesting, insightful, inquisitive, urbex player.  I don't really know you beyond reading this post but feel that this list is somewhat representative and I am sure the list is much longer.  So, I see your question somewhat as how do I become anchored in who I am - finding and being comfortable with you.  Around that search to be anchored in ourselves comes the questions about "why" we are a particular way.  Why did I marry a BPD, how did this happen, was I supposed to be this way etc.

None of this minimizes the difficulties of being married to a BPD/NPD, yet that doesn't have to define us- it is just a part of the overall mosaic that is you.

Again, not sure that is terribly helpful but sometimes reframing the question can bring more clarity on what answers we are searching for and bring a greater sense of internal peace in the knowledge that we know about ourselves.

JRB