My exgf broke the bounderies again

[JerryRG]

She sent me many texts, each one describing her horrible health. No matter what I ask, she won't stop.

There's nothing I want more than for her to go away.

I'm thinking of sending her a text saying something like, my cancer is back, it don't look good. Talk to you later.

She probably would text me back and tell me, oh, mine too.

Crazy is crazy

Crazy as a bedbug (grandmother's favorite)

They need drama to keep their minds off their real feelings inside? My exgf explained her problem as "she's never dealt with anything and now it's piling up"

I can think of a pile of something too... .

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I have a question for you.  Why would you want to escalate this by telling her you have cancer?  What do you get from that?

[JerryRG]

I'm so tired of her texting me about her fake illnesses I just thought it would be entertaining to see her reaction to me being stupid. I meant it to be funny but she don't have much of a sense of humor.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm so tired of her texting me

So why do you read them?

[JerryRG]

If I want to find the important information about our son I have to read them. I've told her to NOT talk about anything other than our son. She refuses to cooperate.

Someone told me to ignore the information about her, I try to and one day I won't let her bother me. Not sure why I still allow her to upset me. I guess I'm still sick.

She knows how to push my buttons and for some crazy reason I believe her when she says she's healthy and happy. Then I doubt myself and think I've been wrong about her. Then I read her text and they make absolutely no sense. Still going in circles and I know it's me doing it.

I told a good friend I want to just walk away from this, I'm so sick of dealing with, thinking about and worry about what crazy s### is coming down the road.

She said this is what I get for getting involved with someone that everyone warned me about and decided to ignore and had a child with her.

I'm used to just getting my way. My son finally calling me daddy again, maybe he thinks I've earned it?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Having a child with someone who suffers from a PD must be difficult.  I cannot imagine sharing a dog let alone co-parenting.  I wouldn't "mess" with her just for entertainment.  It's hurtful to both of you, she's sick and you have a great chance to be the bigger person, set a great example of caring and compassion for your son.  I know the temptation to "get even" is great, but it won't satisfy you for long.  Doing the right thing and being the grown up is how you'll gain some control over the situation. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Not sure why I still allow her to upset me. I guess I'm still sick.

No, you're just not detached; what are you doing about that?

She knows how to push my buttons and for some crazy reason I believe her when she says she's healthy and happy.

What is that reason?  It won't be a mystery if you dig to find out.

Still going in circles and I know it's me doing it.

Nice!  Good awareness Jerry, and it's up to you how much you put up with.

She said this is what I get for getting involved with someone that everyone warned me about and decided to ignore and had a child with her.

So she's punishing you, making it your fault and taking no responsibility.  Why would you put up with that again?

[JerryRG]

Thanks fromheeltoheal

I want so bad to just walk away, how can I detach? She's a pro at creating drama, pretending to be healthy and going through the motions then falling apart.

The lies, nonsense and confusion are unreal. Yesterday she's dying, today she's going to care for our son. How? Why? What the he## is wrong with her and why does she do these things and say these things?

I'm afraid for my son, I can't keep him away from her and she's nuts or she's evil cleaver and playing me.

Either way I'm sick of it!

I hate her illness, she allows evil to dominate her behaviours.

What the he## does she want? Me dead? Crazy like her?

I want peace, serenity, life, happiness, joy, honor, loyalty, character, service, honesty, kindness, love... .all the things I long for and practice to achieve

She's just lost

I'm angry that our son is doing so well now and if she treats him like she does me, deliberately or unknowingly it will harm him. Her bf is abusive and he wants my son gone.

I'm sorry but I'm using every tool I have to maintain my anger and fear. I am sick, my doc said my cancer could show up next year, 5 or 10 years from now.

Why spend my time left dealing with a lunatic?

If I die my son won't have me anyway, what am I fighting for?

[Skip]

They need drama to keep their minds off their real feelings inside?

Are you describing her or yourself?

[JerryRG]

Good question Skip, I believe if I cannot figure out crazy, I assume it's me who's crazy.

Maybe I'm keeping things in my head to avoid my feelings?

Councelor has told me this too

What to do now? I'm just angry and I want to run from her and my son and put it behind me

[Skip]

Sometimes we hold on because the connection is important to us. Sometimes we don't want to let it go. It comforts us.

[JerryRG]

I know that I've lived my life with addicts and alcoholics so that's normal for me, comfortable maybe? Many people have pointed this out to me.

I may be hanging on to her because it serves some purpose? Like maybe I believe I deserve to be hurt? I did grow used to this when growing up too. Not feeling sorry for myself (I think)

I thought I was improving in this area, maybe not so much?

[fromheeltoheal]

I may be hanging on to her because it serves some purpose? Like maybe I believe I deserve to be hurt?

So what are the answers Jerry?

[JerryRG]

I honesty don't know fromheeltoheal

Mom was a drug addict
Dad alcoholic
First wife, drug addict
Son's mother drug addict

That's the pattern, I don't know what to do other than focus on my recovery, my life and my son. Let the rest go

Work on my codependency

[fromheeltoheal]

I honesty don't know fromheeltoheal

Detachment from her is in the answers Jerry.  Drugs and alcohol are just dysfunctional coping tools, so what are functional coping tools?

Answers can be found with questions:

What would it mean if you let go of the drama with your ex?  How would you feel?
What would it cost you if you no longer had the drama for comfort?  What would you need to do differently?  Without drugs, alcohol or drama, all coping tools, what would you be left with to cope?  How would that feel?

[JerryRG]

Good points fromheeltoheal

I've heard we use things to avoid ourselves, I guess that's the key? I have so many things I can enjoy and replace the disfunctional things with.

Another thing is I try to control how I feel, I struggle so hard to forget about her and the memories I hold on to them to remind myself how horrible it was.

[fromheeltoheal]

Good points fromheeltoheal

Can you answer the questions?

[love4meNOTu]

Good points fromheeltoheal

I've heard we use things to avoid ourselves, I guess that's the key? I have so many things I can enjoy and replace the disfunctional things with.

Another thing is I try to control how I feel, I struggle so hard to forget about her and the memories I hold on to them to remind myself how horrible it was.

Hi Jerry, I want to apologize for my post on your other thread, I didn't share my own experience, I gave advice.

I know how hard it is to stop focusing on others actions  and concentrate on my own actions.

It's like a muscle, once you start exercising it, it gets stronger.

Try replacing your pronouns when you are writing. Every time you begin to type "she" instead type "I", then reform your thought based on "I".

You can stop the constant cycle of rumination, it just takes practice. Once the ruminations stop... the pain lessens.

It worked for me.

My best to you.

[JerryRG]

Questions:

Answers can be found with questions:

What would it mean if you let go of the drama with your ex?
How would you feel?
What would it cost you if you no longer had the drama for comfort?
What would you need to do differently?
Without drugs, alcohol or drama, all coping tools, what would you be left with to cope?
How would that feel?

Thanks fromheeltoheal

I'm going to take a serious look at these questions, I finally have time to myself, son is with his mother for a few days.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm going to take a serious look at these questions, I finally have time to myself, son is with his mother for a few days.

Good deal Jerry.  The point is to discover what needs ongoing drama with your ex, and drugs and alcohol before that, were meeting, and once you get clear on the needs, you can find more empowering ways to meet them.  Sometimes the best way to fight something is don't fight it, create something new.  And diving in and answering them, engaging in the process, is detaching, staying in the drama cycle with your ex is not.  And no need to overthink it, whatever first comes to mind is likely right, just do it, we look forward to seeing what you come up with.

[JerryRG]

Thank you love4meNOTu

I agree with you, and you don't have to apologize for anything, if something is true I want to hear it.

I do well until I have to deal with the ex, I talked to my sponsor, her pastor and my therapist today.

Her pastor said she's headed for disaster and no one listens to her claims of illnesses any longer and he knows she has severe mental health issues.

Sponsor told me to take this free time to work on my step work and journal.

Therapist wants me to work on detaching, told me to read all the entries in the Alanon books I own. She said detaching is the acceptance of reality and not trying to control the outcome.

I have a lot of work to do, and I am hopeful, I still have this nagging feeling my son doesn't need me, I don't know why I think this way, maybe an irrational thought?

I want to get away from his mother so badly and heal that I want to run the other way.

[Skip]

I'm going to take a serious look at these questions... .

Why not talk about them here? In all of your recent posts, you seem to avoid or defer questions that expose you. This is an anonymous messageboard - the whole point is that we don't have to protect our ego.

[JerryRG]

I will discuss them here Skip

[fromheeltoheal]

I will discuss them here Skip

How bout right now Jerry.  It doesn't need to be some massive project like your 4th step, just spew what's on your mind and in your heart, whatever comes out is what is supposed to.

[C.Stein]

What to do now? I'm just angry and I want to run from her and my son and put it behind me

You can't really do this can you?  Accept her for who she is.  Read what you need to read in your communications and ignore the rest.

[JerryRG]

Hello C.Stein

I have thought about this for a long time, I still have issues accepting my son needs me. I loved my dad dearly and worshiped him until I got to a certain age, maybe 7 or 8.

Then the effects of his alcoholism became clear and I lost hope in him, I realized I couldn't count on him and I gave up. For some reason I believe my son will grow up feeling the same way about me.

My head tells me this may be a distortion but it is very powerful and dominates my belief about my value as a parent.

I don't understand what I'm really feeling or thinking or why. Then I hear insults from his mother and I just want to walk away.

I still remember loving my dad, but the anger and resentment of years of abuse and constant threats and fear replaced that love with apithy.

I was the only one who cried at his funeral, alcoholism destroyed him and we all suffered.

Been busy today, work, AA meeting, doing step work, journaling and parenting class tonight. Still going to work on those questions too.

Thanks everyone

[JerryRG]

What would it mean if you let go of the drama with your ex?

I would think my life would be more peacefull, less drama, I would have the energy that I now put into understand her behaviour and put it to better use?

[JerryRG]

What would it cost you if you no longer had the drama for comfort?

I don't know because I've lived in it for years, before this relationship I thought about myself more, probably too much, but I did a lot more fun things I enjoyed and hobbies and things like that. I have a difficult time relaxing now, I have this underlying feeling I'm wasting time when I'm not productive.

[KateCat]

When I worked in the family court system, I saw miracles of self-transformation in struggling single fathers who had the courage and mettle to get themselves before a judge to hammer out a stable legal situation for their children. Including fathers who could not read or write; fathers who had substance abuse histories; fathers who spoke little English; fathers who'd had brushes with the law. Struggling through all the hoops of the system often creates self-respect and pride in these dads. It's not too much to say, in some cases, that it makes them dads.

But, oh dear, I'm losing my sense that your son has either a father or a mother who is capable of this kind of work.

Please reassure me that I am wrong. I know that you made at least one attempt in the past to secure free legal representation. Tell me that that is not all you have done. Tell me what you've done in the last two weeks to work toward a less precarious life for your son. Or tell me what you will do in the next two weeks. Tell me you understand that there's a strong do-it-yourself component to this work in the family court system in the U.S. And that there's not a good reason to delay.

I think getting busy in this way might go a long way toward relieving your feeling of unease.

 

[myself]

I still have issues accepting my son needs me... .

I still remember loving my dad, but the anger and resentment of years of abuse and constant threats and fear replaced that love with apithy.

Your son definitely needs you, man. Especially given the circumstances.

Are you subjecting him to being around an alcoholic, abusive, threatening father? No. Far from it. So he's not going to look at you that way, or be reacting to those kinds of negatives. Keep being loving with him. That helps him and you.

Create your own 'good family'. That'll end a LOT of the drama right there.