Did your pwBPD keep friends?

[JJacks0]

My ex made little to no effort to maintain any friendships while I knew her.

She did tell me at the end of our r/s that she couldn't be with me because if she was, she would neglect everything else in her life and only focus on me. So perhaps this is why. I was also her first real relationship.

She had no friends from grade school/high school that she kept in contact with, and generally only befriended people at her current place of employment until she moved on to a new place. Then she would just start hanging out with the people there, with no efforts to keep in touch with the previous friends. Seems to be her pattern.

I'm wondering if this is a common trait of BPD, and why.

[Fr4nz]

Yes, it's very very common and it's one of the distinctive traits of BPD... .from wikipedia: "Borderline personality disorder (BPD) [... .] is a long term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people".

In general, you can observe/read that BPD sufferers have, for the most, short-term friendships, and they are unable to maintain them over time; indeed, at some point they start having fights, create nonsense drama, push away, etc.

This was also the case of my ex.

In general, I suspect that, at some point, they do something bad in every kind of relationship, or the disorder kicks in very badly, and since they are unable to face their issues or to cope with the shame stemming from their bad actions, they just cut off a person and move on. Obviously, this implies a lack of grieving, which does further damage to their psyche.

Maybe they can have long-term friendships, but my guess is that such r/ss are typically shallow, so to avoid the activation of triggers that are typical of the disorder.

All in all it's very sad, because this creates some sort of "segmented" life, where sufferers literally compartimentalize "chapters" of their life.

[pjstock42]

My ex made little to no effort to maintain any friendships while I knew her.

She did tell me at the end of our r/s that she couldn't be with me because if she was, she would neglect everything else in her life and only focus on me. So perhaps this is why. I was also her first real relationship.

She had no friends from grade school/high school that she kept in contact with, and generally only befriended people at her current place of employment until she moved on to a new place. Then she would just start hanging out with the people there, with no efforts to keep in touch with the previous friends. Seems to be her pattern.

I'm wondering if this is a common trait of BPD, and why.

This describes my ex verbatim. She would have friends in a class, then classes would change and she would have new friends - same thing with jobs. She had no friends from the past and said that she would have a "best friend" for a year or so then there would be a falling out and they'd never talk again. Also a string of failed romantic relationships, of course - how dumb I was to look past things and think that things would be different with me.

[JJacks0]

My ex and I were each other's first real relationships. She was 20-27 during our r/s and I was 22-29. So I never saw any red flags as far as relationships go necessarily, since there was nothing before me.

I did find the lack of attachment to friends to be a little different, but attributed it to other things. And while I certainly do know that BPD is characterized by unstable relationships, I guess I never considered friendships to fall under that same umbrella. I've never seen her act the way she's acted towards me to anyone else (with the exception of a few family members on rare occasions). It would be hard to imagine her fighting with friends or displaying that level of emotion toward someone she wasn't living with or related to - essentially someone she wasn't incredibly close with.

She basically described everything as a "falling out", which is sort of true I guess - she just stopped putting forth any effort to talk to or see people. Now that we've broken up, she's been reconnecting with a couple old friends. Which is great in theory (not the best influence) but I can't understand why she didn't do that while we were together. I always encouraged her to maintain friendships. I think our r/s would have gone more smoothly if she had other people to rely on as well, to help carry the load. And also so that she wouldn't get so seethingly angry with me when we spent too much time with my friends.

[Fr4nz]

I did find the lack of attachment to friends to be a little different, but attributed it to other things. And while I certainly do know that BPD is characterized by unstable relationships, I guess I never considered friendships to fall under that same umbrella. I've never seen her act the way she's acted towards me to anyone else (with the exception of a few family members on rare occasions). It would be hard to imagine her fighting with friends or displaying that level of emotion toward someone she wasn't living with or related to - essentially someone she wasn't incredibly close with.

Indeed, with BPDs this is the rule: the more you're closer, the more terribly you are treated... .

She basically described everything as a "falling out", which is sort of true I guess - she just stopped putting forth any effort to talk to or see people. Now that we've broken up, she's been reconnecting with a couple old friends. Which is great in theory (not the best influence) but I can't understand why she didn't do that while we were together. I always encouraged her to maintain friendships. I think our r/s would have gone more smoothly if she had other people to rely on as well, to help carry the load. And also so that she wouldn't get so seethingly angry with me when we spent too much time with my friends.

Ironically, That's one of the few "stable" patterns in their lives... .a string of unstable relationships (note: the term relationship, in this context, means romantic relationships, friendships, job relationships, parental relationships... .).

As you noticed, for sure "real" friendships on her side would have helped to stabilize the situation... .problem is, BPD is an attachment disorder, so sufferers cannot really establish true relationships (at least in their minds) due to lack of trust. Also, when a sufferer is in relationship with someone, they tend to focus only on the partner, due to fusional fantasies that are typically seen in BPD sufferers.

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, they have conflicts sooner or later with everyone with whom they come in close contact, in my experience, including friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, landlords, contractors, doctors, teachers, etc.  The closer you are, the more likely you are to experience some confrontation or another.  According to my BPDxW, it was always the other person's fault.  Yeah, right.

LuckyJim

[Infern0]

My ex has one consistent friend since she was at school.

Now, they have fallen out many times, including one time when my ex went round slandering her "friend" to all and sundry that she had sexual transmitted diseases and other lovely stuff. But every time they eventually go back to being "besties"

This friend of hers is a piece of work too, however. Most likely a narcissist, she's known as a serial cheater in my town and has somewhat of a name. Sadly she's got a guy snared at the moment who pays her rent and Is funding her social life while she studies and she's out cheating on the poor guy every weekend

Usually my ex is like her little follower and idealizes her. It's not a good situation because this friend at times has almost godlike power over my ex and she wields it, telling her what to do and how to live her life, and she's hardly someone to give advice on that.

She actually blocked one of our recycles because she wanted my ex to "slut it up" with her because she was single at the time.

Outside of that though, she cycles through friends at a very fast rate. I've seen her devalue a lot of people over the last couple of years. She will occasionally recycle a friendship however.

But the average length of friendship for her is probably 2 months

[bunny4523]

Yes!  I experienced this too.  I thought it was really weird at first when we started dating that he didn't have any friends.  After listening to him talk... .everyone was always against him or trying to do something to him.  I found it odd at first and then really odd when my family, kids and even myself started to get put on that list.

It wasn't until I discovered the BPD that it all made sense.

I guess it's because they eventually paint almost everyone in their life black.  I even saw my ex do it with his adult daughters... .I thought he was just venting cause he was hurt but I guess that is part of the disorder.  He would just go back and forth.  Talking very negatively about one of them and ready to dismiss her and then act as if it never happened.  It was really weird and awkward to watch.  I couldn't make sense of it until I discovered the BPD.

Bunny

[JJacks0]

Usually my ex is like her little follower and idealizes her. It's not a good situation because this friend at times has almost godlike power over my ex and she wields it, telling her what to do and how to live her life, and she's hardly someone to give advice on that.

She actually blocked one of our recycles because she wanted my ex to "slut it up" with her because she was single at the time.

I think this is what's happening with my ex right now. I think my "replacement" at the moment is her friend she recently reconnected with and is seemingly now idealizing. This same friend was around maybe a handful of times during our 7 year r/s. Her friend got married w/o even telling her, was nowhere to be found during all of my ex's hospitalizations, threats, etc... .now she comes strutting back into the picture out of nowhere because she is in the middle of her own divorce. Misery loves company, right?

My ex and I broke up in April pretty much... .that's when we got separate places at least, but by June we were trying to work it out. Well her friend made sure not to let that happen. She got my ex to ditch me downtown after I was invited out with them, and she kept my ex's phone with her all night, ignoring my calls because she knew my ex would feel bad and answer (at least this is what my ex relayed to me the next day). I bought my ex tickets to a concert that she really wanted to see and she ended up discarding me and taking this same friend with her... .making her new profile picture one of them at the show. That takes some kinda nerve in my opinion.

I can even see her mirroring this friend, or at least I did the last time I saw her (1.5 months ago). All of a sudden she's smoking weed and "has to do it before she eats". Well that's different. But I distinctly recall my ex complaining about this friend badgering her to buy weed from her months prior. My ex was so annoyed that her friend wouldn't let up even when she told her no, she didn't want to buy any from her. Looks like now she's onboard.

Point is, I can definitely relate to that and it sucks. Especially knowing that we could've had a decent chance at reconnecting had this so called friend not meddled where she doesn't belong.

[Infern0]

Usually my ex is like her little follower and idealizes her. It's not a good situation because this friend at times has almost godlike power over my ex and she wields it, telling her what to do and how to live her life, and she's hardly someone to give advice on that.

She actually blocked one of our recycles because she wanted my ex to "slut it up" with her because she was single at the time.

I think this is what's happening with my ex right now. I think my "replacement" at the moment is her friend she recently reconnected with and is seemingly now idealizing. This same friend was around maybe a handful of times during our 7 year r/s. Her friend got married w/o even telling her, was nowhere to be found during all of my ex's hospitalizations, threats, etc... .now she comes strutting back into the picture out of nowhere because she is in the middle of her own divorce. Misery loves company, right?

My ex and I broke up in April pretty much... .that's when we got separate places at least, but by June we were trying to work it out. Well her friend made sure not to let that happen. She got my ex to ditch me downtown after I was invited out with them, and she kept my ex's phone with her all night, ignoring my calls because she knew my ex would feel bad and answer (at least this is what my ex relayed to me the next day). I bought my ex tickets to a concert that she really wanted to see and she ended up discarding me and taking this same friend with her... .making her new profile picture one of them at the show. That takes some kinda nerve in my opinion.

I can even see her mirroring this friend, or at least I did the last time I saw her (1.5 months ago). All of a sudden she's smoking weed and "has to do it before she eats". Well that's different. But I distinctly recall my ex complaining about this friend badgering her to buy weed from her months prior. My ex was so annoyed that her friend wouldn't let up even when she told her no, she didn't want to buy any from her. Looks like now she's onboard.

Point is, I can definitely relate to that and it sucks. Especially knowing that we could've had a decent chance at reconnecting had this so called friend not meddled where she doesn't belong.

Yeah, problem is pwBPD are actually quite easily manipulated, to us they have this power but to those who don't really care about them they are very predictable and easy to control.

It's a real shame, my ability to "reach" my ex disappeared when this friend of hers moved into town, beforehand she would listen to me and I could communicate sense with her, but  once that happened I couldn't get through to her anymore

[Pretty Woman]

Yes, this is pretty common. The only people my ex had in orbit were exes and old friends she acted like we're close but they only communicated on FB and hadn't seen each other in like 10yrs.

She has one friend who anytime we split she would unfriend me. Once, when I realized what BPD was I asked her, "Can I ask you a question?" And she immediately said, "no you cannot, do not contact me again" and called my ex who was attempting to reconcile with her ex.

She came back to me and I was dumb in allowing that.

Anyway, this "friend" is a bi polar, suicide threatening enabler who my ex talks very poorly about unless... .unless she is trying to secure new supply.

Then she is her "bestie"

With friends like these... .

Well you know the rest of that saying!

[prettykitty]

I dont know... .my ex (male) has a lot of friends.  But I think a lot of their attachment or "friendship" is based on partying.  They are longtime friends, and they "party" together.  I often wonder if they know what he is really like, and I know that some have seen a darker side of him.  I briefly spoke to one of his friends at an event where my ex disappeared for a while because he thought I was trying to seduce the friend (SOO not true in any way!).  I got the impression that the friend knows he acts like that, that he gets a little "paranoid."  So I think his friends know he is unstable, and perhaps they keep him at a distance.  He has once remarked that his friends will stop inviting him places because their girlfriends want him.  I doubt that-- they probably don't invite him because they don't know if he will be Dr. Jeckyl or Mr. hyde.   I think they are friends because they do certain "party" recreational activities together.  ANd the need to do that outweighs the care of who it is with.  Know what I mean?  He has other friends which I met and liked, and behind their back he will call them lame and stuff.  I get the feeling they aren't very close and also just hang with him for parties since he is a partier and the life of the party. 

my girl friend from childhood who is borderline and has seeked therapy for it has always had a difficult time forming and keeping friendships.  even with me, it has been a struggle.  But she and I have managed to stay friends while i have seen her lose friends left and right or just not have any because we keep it at a distance.  We text, and that is about it.  I had to "break up" with her long ago, and she reached out to me with an apology for her behavior and explained her diagnosis and what was going on.  I agreed to be friends, but I have learned that it has to stay at a distance.  She is unpredictable out in public, but she doesn't really like to be in public.  She found a man who learned how to put up with her, and she knows he will never leave, and she has been in therapy, so it has been a relationship that has worked.  he himself has issues and has always been a loner and awkward, and if you met him, you would see how they "fit."  She isn't very passionate with him, and they don't have sex that much.  But she loves him because he will never leave her.  And he won't. 

[greenmonkey]

My uBPDex gf 'friends" were the ones she randomly added from FB. there were superficial acquaintances. Her other 'friends' were either ex's she wanted to keep in the loop and return to at her convenience or other women she was grooming to be future replacements she encountered through dating sites or apps. There were a few enablers who she kept on there who would tell her how wonderful she was but that was it.

When she goes through a break up with a SO, she creates an new FB profile and the whole thing starts over with a whole new group of 'friends' and one by one they drop off the list and are replaced with others. It a cycle that lasts about 18months - 2 years before the re-invention begins again due to 'falling out' with friends etc. This also coincides with moving at 6 monthly intervals, and other instabilities.

It is a very sad existence - very exhausting and once the mask drops and cracks appear it is back to square one, mirroring the next target.

[Pretty Woman]

Isn't it funny how they have such predictable patterns? That is one thing I noticed after awhile. Facebook truly is their breeding ground and they can totally create false persona's on there. Most of my ex's relationships end at 18mo. I am waiting to see what happened with this current one. They are at 14mo and have lived together since July.

[flourdust]

This is an interesting topic.

I've noticed from the postings here that BPD friendships seem to be driven first by general personality type (introvert vs. extravert), which are then taken to an unstable extreme. So, there are introverted BPDs who are essentially hermits and shut-ins, and then extraverted BPDs who attract and repulse tons of superficial friendships. My stbxw falls in the latter category.

From casual observation, she's incredibly outgoing, easily meets and quickly connects with people, and forms dozens of long-lasting friendships going back as far as elementary school.

However, although she gushes convincingly about her closeness to these many, many friends, she's very rarely in contact with any of them, other than clicking "like" on social media.

She'll see new friends often for a few months or a year, then basically start ignoring them, or she'll have a spectacular break-up over some kind of offense. (Very shortly after I started dating her, she introduced me to one of her best, closest friends from college, supposedly. Within a week, she dumped that friend, feeling furious that the friend hadn't been solicitous enough about a recent injury. She never talked to that lifelong friend again.)

Toward the end of our relationship, when she was constantly angry or depressed, I tried to get her to spend time with friends, but she kept making excuses that they were all busy or she didn't really have friends.

As for what the friends think ... .I believe many folks are attracted to her at first because of her outgoing personality, but her emotional volatility and lack of boundaries makes people uncomfortable, and they pull away from her.

[trainwrecked1]

It appears my ex has at least 3 long term friends, one lives out of the country though.  He sees them about once a week and keeps in touch via phone/text.  But he's a guys and I know their friendships operate differently from women's.  I am pretty certain at least one of them knows about his behavior because he live with my ex and his ex-wife before.  His ex-wife even had his friend stage an intervention of sorts for their marriage so it's hard for me to believe he didn't know.

Honestly, I think my ex only goes off on the women in his life and possibly his immediate family members.  Everyone else seems to think he's really cool. Go figure.

[JJacks0]

From casual observation, she's incredibly outgoing, easily meets and quickly connects with people, and forms dozens of long-lasting friendships going back as far as elementary school.

Honestly, I think my ex only goes off on the women in his life and possibly his immediate family members.  Everyone else seems to think he's really cool. Go figure.

These both describe my ex as well. She sort of fits both parts of the spectrum in a way - she is incredibly charismatic, beautiful, charming, witty, funny... .she has no problem enticing people in, and no one would suspect she had so many demons buried inside. She only unleashed them around me and her immediate family on occasion. We were together for 7 years and my parents still think she's an angel.

[Fr4nz]

These both describe my ex as well. She sort of fits both parts of the spectrum in a way - she is incredibly charismatic, beautiful, charming, witty, funny... .she has no problem enticing people in, and no one would suspect she had so many demons buried inside. She only unleashed them around me and her immediate family on occasion. We were together for 7 years and my parents still think she's an angel.

So... .do you think she has (also) histrionic traits?

My ex is very similar, i.e., life of the party, charming, extremely extroverted, etc. -- although she cannot hide so well her problems, since she frequently drinks a lot... .and when she drinks, she easily loses it, gets very angry, chaotic, you name it -- and definitely possesses almost all traits of both disorders.

[JJacks0]

I'm not very familiar with what histrionic is... .I first heard the term just recently and looked it up but I'm not entirely sure what I think about it yet.

She wasn't always that extroverted, sometimes she was just the opposite... .but when she was she was always cracking jokes, etc... .she'd tell me how she liked to put on a show. And when she drank, things would normally start out fine, dare I say good sometimes... .but she would almost always end up very angry with me & lose it when we got home if not before. I will say that she was always very concerned with physical appearance and she is highly suggestible... .very influenced by others.

[Kimtexas43]

You hit the nail on the head! I always find it unsettling when my BPD husband (who I am detaching from and meticulously planning my departure from) comes home blasting about all the various conflicts he's had that day with every single coworker, I can't help but feel sorry for that entire department. I often think how miserable it must be for them to have to deal with his daily outbursts and drama. I also wonder if they think of me and wonder how awful it must be to live with him. I have noticed my husband does have some friends, but they all seem to have a purpose for being in his life. They are all heavily involved in bbq cooking and I've always felt like the times he circulates thru cooking buddies, it seems like he's only friends with them so he can use them. But once the conflicts start occurring, he paints them black and moves on to the next guy who has a nice bbq pit or owns a business who can sponsor the bbq cook team. I feel like he's always used people for what he can get out of them. Or he's hung around people who like his cooking abilities and they pump his self esteem... .until there's a conflict. Then they're out of the picture. It must be exhausting to live life like that. It's exhausting to watch and listen to the constant griping and problems with so and so and issues with such and such. But in his mind - it's everyone else, not him

[Curiously1]

my BPDexgf has more online friends/long distant friends. I wouldn't call them close online friends though. She has a best friend though who lives interstate and I never met her. She never introduced me even when her best friend still lived in our town which I found strange and I don't know how long they have been friends for. Apparently she is straight though so didn't think she was cheating or any reason to be suspicious of that. Oh and she never made the effort to get to know my friends either. my online or real life friends. Just didn't care about people I guess who she could not benefit from in some way. But she was never rude to them.

Apart from that there is my replacement. I don't know if they are 'official' but my ex did try with my replacement and it didn't last for even 2 weeks then my recycle then of course ex and I didn't work out a second time. They are still 'friends' after all of that drama. Actually my exBPDgf claims they are best friends too... and while my ex is still looking for the one she will cling on to this girl and probably continue to see her casually since she can't stand her loneliness. The replacement does not have any friends too and hopes to win over my ex and be my exes girlfriend last time I checked. My ex has a twitter and many followers. I don't know if she considers them friends, probably not, just fans but she is always active on that and spends most of her time sharing about her life to a bunch of strangers willing to listen to her drama or whatever opinions she wants to share to the public or minor things she does during the day that nobody would really care to know but she still shares . Twitter is probably addicting to her too since she argues so much with a bunch of strangers on certain topics and most likely gets off from all the attention and people 'on her side' and agreeing with her opinions. To her, people who agree with her 100% all the time and or are there to follow her orders or she can boss around or or not spend so much effort on are her friends or allies and who she keeps for longer I think.

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend's closest friends, as of today, are all co-workers that she's known less than a year.  She's 24, and one of her friends is 17 or 18 and still in high school.  One of the other ones is a pothead.  And the other one displays even more borderline traits than my BPD friend, who has an official diagnosis, so I wouldn't be surprised if she also has BPD. 

I've known her for just over two years, have been actual friends with her for about 20 months, and have been painted black for a total of 4 of those months (not all at once).  It's been 9 months since I was last painted black, and that's mostly because I simply don't ask her about her life and really only talk to her about very superficial things.  In the past 15 months, I've seen her one time in person, and she only lives an hour away. 

One of her longest friendships is with someone she barely sees, a girl she refers to as her "sister."  She is in college, in a stable relationship, etc. and is one of the few normal friends my BPD friend has.  But in the past nine months, she's seen her twice.  What's sad is that, for a few years, this friend lived in another state and was attending college there but moved back home last year because her mother was diagnosed with cancer.  So, you would think that my BPD friend would want to see her, after not being able to for a few years, but no, she really doesn't seem to care that much. 

Overall, her Facebook friends are mostly family members, acquaintances, co-workers, ex-boyfriends, and friends of ex-boyfriends.  And if you go back and look at who was liking and commenting on her posts three months ago, they are completely different from the people who are liking and commenting on them now.