Would he have eventually left me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was the one to end the relationship, but my therapist suggested that he would have eventually discarded me and the pain would have been even worse. Do you think this might have happened? Would he have eventually left me?

[Larmoyant]

I was the one to end the relationship, but my therapist suggested that he would have eventually discarded me and the pain would have been even worse. Do you think this might have happened? Would he have eventually left me?

[patientandclear]

That seems hard to definitively answer, as many pwBPD seem to go but not go. In a sense he already "left" in ways that hurt you considerably, didn't he? You already have some pattern of "go but not go."

[fromheeltoheal]

Impossible to say L, but you ended it so there was trouble in paradise, and if we look at it as a healthy vs unhealthy relationship, isn't it better the unhealthy ones end, one way or the other?  But it's natural and normal to go through the what-ifs, doesn't really seem to be a good reason for it, it just happens as we process emotions, and it will happen less and less as you detach.  You're making great strides lately BTW, so it's working, best to just keep going yes?

[Larmoyant]

P&C, yes, he ‘left’ me in endless ways. Having abandonment issues of my own I really could not have picked a worse partner. Constant reopening of an old wound inflicting even more damage. It really is no wonder why I’m in such a state. The pattern of “go, but not go” sums it up. The very first time he went I was crushed to the core. It came seemingly out of the blue, but as the relationship wore on I sort of got used to it, and didn’t take it as seriously (although still painful) and then at the end it wasn’t him going it was me! His rages, changes of mood, devaluing, etc, became intolerable and I stopped battling with him, and stopped trying to understand. Gave up, maybe from sheer exhaustion. I think it’s the pattern of “go, but not go” that makes me think he might still contact me.


FHTH, yes, it’s the dreaded ‘what ifs’ that are crossing my mind. If I’d known then what I do now (about BPD) then maybe things could have been different. Meaning, I must have made it worse at times. Not setting clear boundaries, taking off without telling him I’d be back when he calmed down, that sort of thing, not understanding where the pathological jealousy was coming from. I just feel like my behaviour could have been better at times, more understanding, less reactionary? As for making great strides this is true. I’m having moments when I feel I’m going to be ok and I’m clinging to them.

[valet]

Or maybe for what you needed to grow at the time you couldn't have picked a better partner, Larmoyant.

Keep the introspecting going. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Meaning, I must have made it worse at times.

Yeah, me too, but it's not really fair to us to second guess decisions made under duress, I say we did the best we could in that situation.  Gotta admit, after I'd left her without a trace and learned later that that would have been interpreted as abandonment by a borderline, the worst thing that could happen, I felt pretty good about it, since I was raging mad at that point, a normal response to abuse and disrespect, and hurting her as deeply as possible was important for a minute.  Thankfully that passed.  Now if I was to do it all over again but with knowledge of the disorder, I could have done a lot better, but I'm absolutely positive I wouldn't want to.

[Larmoyant]

valet,

I understand what you mean and maybe, hopefully, not too far into the future, I will look back and see this, but right now I can honestly say that I wished I'd never laid eyes on him. Too many losses, and fear of starting over. My whole life has been wiped out and I am a sorry mess of a person. I know it’s not all on him. My insecurities came up and bit me on the b*tt that’s for sure. However, maybe I am a little wiser now? In fact, how can I not be. There is no way I’d now put up with some of the horrible things he threw my way. I look back and see all those red flags waving and will surely notice them in the future. So yes, maybe I am a little wiser, maybe.


FHTH, "Now if I was to do it all over again but with knowledge of the disorder, I could have done a lot better, but I'm absolutely positive I wouldn't want to."

Do you know what? Neither would I. He had chance after chance to stop what he was doing. Stop insulting me, belittling and faking our future. I'm glad I left. Glad I didn't go back.

Also, I do have moments when I want him to hurt, really hurt and (now this is going to sound really bad), but I am hoping upon hope that his next ‘attachment’ (because there surely is one) leaves him high and dry and quickly as possible. That way she gets out relatively unscathed (like his previous g/f who only managed 3 months) and he gets to feel pain. There I’ve said it!

[fromheeltoheal]

That way she gets out relatively unscathed (like his previous g/f who only managed 3 months) and he gets to feel pain. There I’ve said it!

And good for you, a normal response to borderline crap.  And don't make yourself wrong for saying it either, anger is a normal part of grieving and it will pass, might as well enjoy it a little 'til it does.  Righteous anger really is a thing.

[JerryRG]

In my case it didn't matter, I told my exgf I couldn't stay with her because she was so sick and she didn't want to get help. I used to feel guilt because I thought I failed, didn't do enough or did the rights things to make it work.
I blamed myself for not making her happy, not being "enough"

I see now, after 10 months my exgf has not changed one bit, perhaps she's worse. The issue wasn't me, while I changed, sacrificed and grew, she did not.

I asked her a few weeks ago, after she asked me for help, a key question that maybe fits everyone, nons included.

Is your life better than it was a year ago? 2 years, 3,4,5?

If the answer is no, then I believe the next question logically follows, do you want a better life? If so, isn't it time to try something different.

If we want different results we need to be willing to try new things and better ways of thinking.

My exgf just found another sick codependent and that relationship is already doomed. Repeating the same behaviours and expecting different results = insanity.

Hope you feel better Larmoyant

[prettykitty]

I ask myself that, too.  And I believe that yes, they would eventually leave.  But it would happen once they had somone else (the replacement) lined up.  So yes, it would hurt a lot more because it would mean he was cheating or out hunting for girls while lying to us and keeping us under control.  It would mean that we stayed thinking things might eventually, miraculously get better while he was just keeping us around so he wouldn't have to be alone and so that no one else would have us. 

Was he doing anything to work on the relationship?  Mine would SAY he wanted to work on it, but too no action.  He continued the crappy behavior that he knew very well hurt me and manipulated me.  BUt he had no empathy about it.  We were broken up so he could work on his issues, but he wanted everything to be as if we weren't broken up, and he would be working on his issues WITH me.  But in reality, he was the same, but now he was out doing single guy things.  He was out more often with the boys, out at the bars, out at the clubs... .just having a great time doing things and acting the way a single guy would.  And if I went out and did something a single girl would do, he would freak out and get pissed off and accuse me of things and try to make me a bad guy for doing it.  He wanted me at home being loyal, waiting for the times we would get together while he was doing whatever and just saying he would stay loyal and that I can trust him.  But he still insisted he could not trust me and I was out playing around, so it was impossible to trust him. SO it was just a horrible situation, but a perfect situation for him!  No way was I going to give that to him!  He does not get a cake while i get crumbs that fell on the floor!  He wanted that cake and would eat it up until he found someone better to trap, and if she fell for it, he would dump me and them blame ME for it!  He could say he left because I was crazy and unhappy, and he'd be right because he was making me crazy and unhappy and our situation wasn't improving at all and all the crap was still there. 

It's best to get out and stop contact before they can completely use us up and destroy us.  Because THEY WILL! 

[Larmoyant]

Thanks Jerry, it’s a long, hard road to recovery, but we’ll get there. Hope you feel better soon too. 

Prettykitty, your experience sounds very much like mine. If I've learned anything whilst being here it's actions always speak louder than words. Mine asked to be friends with me at one point. FWB for sure and no doubt expected me to watch him parade around with other women. There was absolutely no chance I was going to subject myself to that pain.

As for him eventually leaving, my therapist is convinced. I was always fearing it anyway because he was on dating sites, would take our ‘breaks’ as opportunities to date others so maybe it was just a matter of time, maybe I left before he had time to set someone else up.

I sometimes wonder, and I apologise if this is inappropriate as I don’t want to hurt people who have experienced this, but I wonder if it may have been better if he’d left me for another because if he had then I would have been clearer in my decision to leave him instead of wondering if I made the right decision. At the same time, I realise that him leaving for someone else would have been even more painful and I’m so sorry for anyone on here that’s been through this and I hope I haven’t hurt anyone by discussing this. Do you know what I mean?