it highlights the challenges that professionals with decades of experience have in making a formal diagnosis.
our own experience is generally limited to this one person, who we were in a romantic relationship with and in most cases we have limited knowledge of their past history, overall life functioning, and other interpersonal relationships. inherently, we have several biases. one of those biases is that we experienced hurtful and abusive behavior and that behavior is filtered through our perception and how we were wounded. it doesnt seem like a stretch to go from "he/she was selfish/self centered/self absorbed and therefore narcissistic." and doing so may make us feel better - a powerful motivator to overdiagnose our exes.
from:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorderIt often takes a professional a lot of time to sort through this - it will likely take you time, too.
Does it Really Matter It does. The behaviors exhibited during a relationship for all of these afflictions can look somewhat alike but the driving forces and the implications can be very different. For example, was that lying predatory (as in ASPD), ego driven (as in NPD), defensive (as in BPD), a result of being out of control (as in alcoholism), or social ineptitude (as in Aspergers). Was it situational, episodic (bipolar), or has it been chronic. Yes, all lying is bad, but the ways to handle it and the prognosis is not the same in all situations.
in addition, the label matters insofar as what we do with it. if we use it to paint our ex black, broken and hopeless, and absolve ourselves of any responsibility, its not going to get us anywhere. if we feel less alone, come to better understand our unique relationship struggles, and ultimately depersonalize the behaviors (which learning about them helps with), it will take us far.
obviously what many of us seek is an understanding of what we have been through, and in achieving an accurate and balanced picture, as well as going on to have healthier relationships, it behooves us to become a bit more educated about human nature and psychology. unfortunately the internet is full of bait and misinformation (as heartandwhole mentioned, narcissism is a hot topic, when i check out Psychology Today for example, the top trending articles are usually about "how to spot one", and id encourage everyone to be wary when it comes to sam vaknin), and it can be tricky territory to navigate. these are all very different disorders, with very different origins, very different core fears, triggers and responses, and of course they are all on a spectrum of severity. while there may be overlap and comorbidity among personality disorders, its also important to remember that most of us were dealing with a subclinical person, and that the issues we brought into the relationship played a big role in the breakdown, and the wounds we are trying to heal.
