Back to square one

[Lucky Jim]

Hey OB, Suggest you go with your gut feelings.  I was in a long-term marriage to a pwBPD with a history of abuse, so my situation was different from yours.  For me and Cat, detachment was the right path; for you, your path might diverge from ours.  I'm not here to tell you what to do, as I think you know by now.  It seems you see possibility here, which is a positive thing.  Keep us posted!  LJ

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Oncebitten]

LJ,

thanks, yes and as always I appreciate your input.  You have always been upfront with your opinion and never told me what to do and have never pushed detachment which I have always greatly appreciated.  There is great possibility for the relationship.  Always has been, we have no issues or history of abuse, and I know that its me she loves and wants to be with.  Just have to figure out how to get past the current issues, and we both continue to work on that.

[Oncebitten]

why do they get upset and then just stop talking to you?  How are you supposed to know what is wrong if all you get is the silent treatment?

[Oncebitten]

I love her, but I am exhausted.  The back and forth, the I love you followed by I hate you kills me.  The getting angry and constantly blaming me now for every problem in the relationship.  The constant accusations, the conspiracy theories, the sheer hate that spills when we talk about what happened.  How long must I try to fix what I did?  How long must I be punished for my crimes?  How many times must I say that I am sorry?  Have I simply been painted black and there is no way out?

Not sure if I am looking for answers or just needing to vent.

[Cat Familiar]

Do you really love her or do you love the idea of who she is when she's nice?

Like so many of us, you're hoping to only get the Dr. Jeckyl side and not to have to endure the Mr. Hyde part.

It's a package deal.

[Oncebitten]

I love her... .no doubt.  Not the least bit scared of mr hyde... .never have been.  But I can't convince her that the other woman is truly out of my life... .ldr... .so she isnt around to see it.

[Lucky Jim]

I love her, but I am exhausted.  The back and forth, the I love you followed by I hate you kills me

Hey OB,

Yup, it's exhausting.  The back and forth, in my view, is all part of the push/pull dynamic that characterizes a BPD r/s.  I thought things would level out with my BPDxW, but they never did.  It's a roller coaster, my friend, but you know that already.

LuckyJim

[Oncebitten]

LJ

I know all of this, just dont know what to do anymore . I love her but what do I do since she refuses to speak to me

[Meili]

You do nothing for there is nothing for you to do.

You can't change or fix her. You can only love her and all that comes with her.

[Oncebitten]

I do love her and all that comes with her... .just want her to talk to me.

[PFCI]

I love her, but I am exhausted.  The back and forth, the I love you followed by I hate you kills me

Hey OB,

Yup, it's exhausting.  The back and forth, in my view, is all part of the push/pull dynamic that characterizes a BPD r/s.  I thought things would level out with my BPDxW, but they never did.  It's a roller coaster, my friend, but you know that already.

LuckyJim

This is one of the worst things.  I hate the good times almost as much as the bad, as it just means I'm at the top, ready to plunge back to the bottom again.

[Cat Familiar]

Since it's a LDR and she refuses to speak with you, I'm not sure that you can do anything but wait it out. It's an unfortunate situation and it seems almost a set-up (on her part) to test you--whether you'll wait or seek out another woman (or the aforementioned one).

[Oncebitten]

Yeah I agree with that... .Lucky Jim and I share the theory that everything is a test.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey OB, I'm flattered that you recall one of my "theories"!  LJ

P.S.  Maybe if you are silent it will elicit a response from her?  Hard to say.

[Oncebitten]

LJ

Hey no offense in calling it a theory... .but I do believe it to be true to some extent.  She tends to push certain buttons in a specific order. .I dont know that I would call it a game but it does feel that way sometimes.  Almost like a trust building thing... .and the tests are coming less often.

[Oncebitten]

I find myself caught in this triangle.  Me, her, and her Ex.  It has become apparent to me that one of us is always black and the other white.  She talks to me we work stufff out, and he must be removed from her life.  I.e. he is bad and brings us harm.  She talks to him and all of the sudden I am bad and I am now the one that has to go, since he has shown her true friendship.
Has anyone else ever seen this? Is there any way out of this triangulation nightmare?

[Notwendy]

The drama triangle is a well known way of interacting. Your GF is in victim position. The payoff for victim position is that one is not accountable for their actions. You and the ex trade places being rescuer and persecutor.

Rescuer is also an irresistible position. It sure feels good to be the white knight, the hero, and for the victim, how great to feel you are being rescued, taken care of by this white night. It feels pretty rotten to be the persecutor. But in the triangle, one can potentially change positions like musical chairs.

I don't know how to stop this drama other than not to participate. But for your GF, if this is how she wants to relate, if you don't take your turn as rescuer, you could be risking the relationship. Or if she is invested in the relationship, she may find that this doesn't work with you and the dynamics may change.  Perhaps others know a different way.

[Oncebitten]

NW

I know my current situation is not a healthy one.  But I have no idea how to extract myself from the triangle and not completely risk losing the relationship.

[Oncebitten]

Cant do it anymore... .loves me one day and wants to be with me, hates me the next three.
Time to give up and just detach
Heading to detaching board

[Lucky Jim]

Hey OB, No offense taken (see above).  I'll catch up w/you over on Detaching.  LJ