First post, my story

[Meili]

She also volunteered that she "accepted that I don't want to be a part of her life" (which is of course only partially true, but I have realized of late that I actually needed to spell out to her explicitly the circumstances I would accept being in her life again.  She then became angry about the NC.

There is some valuable information in this if you "listen with empathy." What do you think that she was trying to tell you?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[chapter100]

She also volunteered that she "accepted that I don't want to be a part of her life" (which is of course only partially true, but I have realized of late that I actually needed to spell out to her explicitly the circumstances I would accept being in her life again.)  She then became angry about the NC.

There is some valuable information in this if you "listen with empathy." What do you think that she was trying to tell you?

Perhaps that she's trying to respect my wishes however belatedly after a month of NC.  Am I missing something obvious?

[Meili]

Can you try to look at what she said from her point of view?

[chapter100]

Can you try to look at what she said from her point of view?

From her point of view I disappeared into NC for no understandable reason and as a result she assumed I want to no further interaction with her at all.  And I suppose she's trying to respect that on some level.

[Meili]

Do you think that, maybe, this comes into play in what she was telling you?

What I thought was a gradual reconciliation turned out to be something else as it eventually came out that this other man was still in her life.  When she asked me if I would attend her hypothetical wedding I couldn't take it anymore and cut off contact.

[chapter100]

Do you think that, maybe, this comes into play in what she was telling you?

What I thought was a gradual reconciliation turned out to be something else as it eventually came out that this other man was still in her life.  When she asked me if I would attend her hypothetical wedding I couldn't take it anymore and cut off contact.

Oh, certainly.  This is my responsibility in some part for not making it clear why I reacted the way I did.

[chapter100]

An update for those interested:

My ex, who is 3000 miles away on the other coast, still hadn't received the letter I sent her by last Wednesday and blew up at me about my NC/LC with her via text: ":)on't ever contact me again", "You send me a letter I can't get and then ignore me", "We aren't friends.  We aren't anything."  I have seen her rage before but it has never actually been directed at me (which I realize is somewhat atypical in these situations.  She tends to be avoidant and disappearing rather than raging.)  Needless to say this was incredibly painful.  In response I emailed her the text of the letter describing the boundary I required and the reason for no contact (again to recap: she cheated on me with my now replacement and is still with him.)  She IMed me the following day only to say that she's read the letter.  There's been no contact on either side since.  I am relieved that she now understands what my feelings are about this and seems to be respecting them, although I fear that despite the fact that I needed to do this I will now never hear from her ever again.

[chapter100]

More followup:

She called me twice Saturday night.  I have been ill and missed her calls.  I arranged by text for a call Sunday night.  She called, decided after five minutes that the call was a mistake and hung up on me.  I assumed, cautiously, that her calling me meant that something changed with my replacement.

After the call she texted me to again say calling was a mistake and also to point out that she intends to marry my replacement (who she has known less than three months.)  I am despondent and feel more lost than ever.

[C.Stein]

I am very sorry you had to hear that JS, I know how hard it would be for me to hear that.  Beware of assumptions, one can never truly know someones thoughts, particularly when that person suffers from BPD.  Where does this leave you?  Where do you want to go from here?

[chapter100]

I am very sorry you had to hear that JS, I know how hard it would be for me to hear that.  Beware of assumptions, one can never truly know someones thoughts, particularly when that person suffers from BPD.  Where does this leave you?  Where do you want to go from here?

I thought before yesterday I was in a strong place: a reasonable boundary (no contact while the replacement is in her life) and a clear understanding on both sides.  Which is why I initially thought the calls were a good thing.  But she just blew through my boundary and I let her do it, only to be reminded how thoroughly I have been replaced and how she seems almost pleased and defiant in pointing that out to me.

I don't know what to do now.  I imagine at some point she will reach out to me again, and I don't know how I will react.  I was guardedly hopeful about things before yesterday.  Now that's gone.

[C.Stein]

But she just blew through my boundary and I let her do it

Let's look at this, since the only thing you can do here is what you do for yourself.  How do you think you could have handled this better? 

[chapter100]

But she just blew through my boundary and I let her do it

Let's look at this, since the only thing you can do here is what you do for yourself.  How do you think you could have handled this better? 

I should have, before engaging in any further interaction, asked if her situation had changed in a way that met me requirements (instead of just hopefully assuming it.)  Then I would have been saved this painful conversation.

[C.Stein]

I should have, before engaging in any further interaction, asked if her situation had changed in a way that met me requirements (instead of just hopefully assuming it.)  Then I would have been saved this painful conversation.

I agree.  If she calls again, do you think you can enforce this boundary now?

[chapter100]

I should have, before engaging in any further interaction, asked if her situation had changed in a way that met me requirements (instead of just hopefully assuming it.)  Then I would have been saved this painful conversation.

I agree.  If she calls again, do you think you can enforce this boundary now?

I think I have to.  I don't know if I can.

[C.Stein]

I think I have to.  I don't know if I can.

I think you have to as well, for your own emotional well being. 

I know how hard it is when you love someone, but remind yourself that when she reaches out after you have established a very clear boundary, it is at a minimum disrespectful on her part. 

[chapter100]

I know how hard it is when you love someone, but remind yourself that when she reaches out after you have established a very clear boundary, it is at a minimum disrespectful on her part. 

I discovered that she instant messaged me yesterday.  The messages are sitting in my Gmail account but I haven't read them.  I assume they are more attempts to provoke me.  I hate that this is what our relationship has become.

[chapter100]

I know how hard it is when you love someone, but remind yourself that when she reaches out after you have established a very clear boundary, it is at a minimum disrespectful on her part. 

I discovered that she instant messaged me yesterday.  The messages are sitting in my Gmail account but I haven't read them.  I assume they are more attempts to provoke me.  I hate that this is what our relationship has become.

Getting no response to her IMs, she texted me this morning that she's moved in with my replacement.  She went from not knowing this man at a four months ago to moving into his house, and completely wrecking my life in the process.

[C.Stein]

I know how hard that is to swallow and make sense of.  It come from a desperate need to secure an attachment, any attachment no matter the cost.  There is little to no thought of consequences (short or long term) to many decisions a borderline will make.  This was one of the things about my ex that caused a lot of fear and anxiety in me.

Where does this leave you now?

[chapter100]

I know how hard that is to swallow and make sense of.  It come from a desperate need to secure an attachment, any attachment no matter the cost.  There is little to no thought of consequences (short or long term) to many decisions a borderline will make.  This was one of the things about my ex that caused a lot of fear and anxiety in me.

Where does this leave you now?

At the moment it leaves me alone with a bottle of whiskey.  She's added that she's upset by my silence and is afraid that I hate her.

[C.Stein]

At the moment it leaves me alone with a bottle of whiskey.  She's added that she's upset by my silence and is afraid that I hate her.

Watch the hard liquor, it is all too easy to abuse it. 

Sometimes a person needs time to work through their own thoughts and simply have nothing to say at the moment.  Some people would call that "silent treatment" but there is a difference IMO.  Silent treatment is done with intent to hurt and/or manipulate.  Staying silent is done because you have nothing to say, or at least nothing productive to say.

Which camp are you in right now?

Thing about all this is, you owe her nothing right now, given she has taken up residence with someone else.  Your silence is perfectly understandable to me.

[chapter100]

At the moment it leaves me alone with a bottle of whiskey.  She's added that she's upset by my silence and is afraid that I hate her.

Watch the hard liquor, it is all too easy to abuse it. 

Sometimes a person needs time to work through their own thoughts and simply have nothing to say at the moment.  Some people would call that "silent treatment" but there is a difference IMO.  Silent treatment is done with intent to hurt and/or manipulate.  Staying silent is done because you have nothing to say, or at least nothing productive to say.

Which camp are you in right now?

Thing about all this is, you owe her nothing right now, given she has taken up residence with someone else.  Your silence is perfectly understandable to me.

This has been weekend with a lot of changes.  I have given up alcohol again, hopefully permanently.  It also turns out that there was some misunderstandings.  My ex did not move in with my replacement, she moved OUT and they are no longer together.  Which explains her renewed interest in trying to reconcile with me.  Of course I want this but now the struggle is not to be consumed by the fear and stress of her leaving again.  The fact that we are still 3000 miles apart is also not helping.  Reconciliation after infidelity is never easy and it's additionally much more stressful in this situation as I feel any roadblock we hit or any disagreement or misunderstanding we have will send her back to my replacement, who unlike me is a short drive away.

[C.Stein]

Of course I want this but now the struggle is not to be consumed by the fear and stress of her leaving again.

This is a very real and valid concern if you are to move forward, especially given the distance.  If you cannot find a way to deal with these emotions you should take a big step back and give some careful consideration on how you want to proceed. 

Speaking from experience with my ex, the fear, anxiety and stress started to impact me physically in addition to the emotional and mental toll it was taking on me.  This is not how I want to live my life, no matter how much I might love her.  I tried my best to shrug off the threats, implications and other things that caused these emotions.  While on the surface I might have appeared to be dealing with them (until the last 6 months), internally they were tearing me apart.  No matter how much I wanted to trust her there was always the seed of doubt, one that she would intermittently water with things she said or did.

Think long and hard about how a future with this woman will be long term, without the blinders, rose-tinted glasses or sugar-coated reality.  You owe this much to yourself.

[Meili]

Think long and hard about how a future with this woman will be long term, without the blinders, rose-tinted glasses or sugar-coated reality.  You owe this much to yourself.

I cannot tell you how much I agree with this statement. This must be one of the first steps moving forward. You have to completely see the reality of the situation in order to save the relationship. If you don't, you cannot accept it completely and the emotional strain will likely cause it to break down again.

[chapter100]

Think long and hard about how a future with this woman will be long term, without the blinders, rose-tinted glasses or sugar-coated reality.  You owe this much to yourself.

I cannot tell you how much I agree with this statement. This must be one of the first steps moving forward. You have to completely see the reality of the situation in order to save the relationship. If you don't, you cannot accept it completely and the emotional strain will likely cause it to break down again.

I have been spending a lot of time contemplating this.  Even now only a week in I think, thanks to my experience and greater understanding of this disorder and my willingness now to be more honest with myself about what I have to expect, I am handling this much better: I am not being so brutally emotionally swayed by the push-pull dynamics that are already happening or fearing what the underlying meaning of her constant need of reassurance is.  I realize she and I have a huge amount of work to do, especially as a consequence of the infidelity, but I am feeling like I am in a stronger position for my own health than before all this started.

[fromheeltoheal]

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