Holiday Planning

[Depression = 72% of members]

Holidays have always been difficult and now my brother and sister are both going to be married. The three of us agree that the married two need to do an alternating Christmas between both of their families. But my mother thinks we all need to be with her every Christmas on Christmas Day and if we can't do that then there is no point in celebrating the holidays. We are not sure how to handle this anymore as we feel she is getting out of control with her expectations. The children thought an excellent alternative is to celebrate our Christmas as an entire family on New Year's eve but my mom believes that is unacceptable. Any advice on this would help. It also doesn't help that my mother believes she is alone at Christmas if her two married children are not around even though I am around. Trying not to take that one personally. Thank you.

[TexasDaughter]

Holidays have always been difficult and now my brother and sister are both going to be married. The three of us agree that the married two need to do an alternating Christmas between both of their families. But my mother thinks we all need to be with her every Christmas on Christmas Day and if we can't do that then there is no point in celebrating the holidays. We are not sure how to handle this anymore as we feel she is getting out of control with her expectations. The children thought an excellent alternative is to celebrate our Christmas as an entire family on New Year's eve but my mom believes that is unacceptable. Any advice on this would help. It also doesn't help that my mother believes she is alone at Christmas if her two married children are not around even though I am around. Trying not to take that one personally. Thank you.

[Harri]

Hi.  Holidays are always a particularly difficult time and yours has the added element of multiple families involved.  I am torn between saying to stick to your guns and each married sibling spend time with both families and just tough it out with your mother.  That leaves you in a very difficult position, however, you all need to choose what is best including you.  You too could split your day between the siblings and visit each.  One alternative would be for your mother to do the same.  The only rule about this is the one that exists in her own head that dictates that all of you cater to her needs.  She does not get to set the rules regardless of how things may have worked in the past.  Getting her to see what is fair for all or to see an alternative scenario is most likely not going to work.  In such cases I always advise people to do what is best for them.  If that means your mother ends up alone as a result of her own rules and choices, that is how it ends up.

I know it is easy for me to say that from where I sit, but know I had to make some of the same choices.  It is hard and sad and frustrating and hurtful for everyone.  Such is life with a uBPD parent who sets up no win scenarios.  Regardless of how she chooses, know it is *her* choice and she gets to deal with the consequences.  Expect fall-out, prepare for it by learning about BPD behaviors to help depersonalize her words and actions and practice now with establishing both emotional and behavioral boundaries for her and, more importantly, for you.

We can work out different scenarios here and brainstorm solutions for you.  (Your siblings get to make their own choices too BTW).

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome TexasDaughter:    

I'm sorry about the holiday situation with your mom.  :)oes the alternating plan mean that your brother and sister will visit your mom on alternating years? (one year your brother is there with you and then the other year your sister is there with you?)  That sounds like a sensible solution, but people with BPD (pwBPD) just react upon emotion and can defy common sense.  Is your dad in the picture?

But my mother thinks we all need to be with her every Christmas on Christmas Day and if we can't do that then there is no point in celebrating the holidays.

I think she is exhibiting a form of BPD Behavior called SPLITTING. It might be helpful to read the discussion at the above link.

Is anyone available on Christmas Eve, as an alternative to Christmas Day?  I know some families end up traveling, so that isn't an option.  Sometimes, when long travel isn't an issue, so people split things up by going to one side of the family on Christmas Eve and the other on Christmas Day (or alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations).

An earlier thread that another member posted about holiday problems, at the link below, has some communication tools and technique links within the thread to use with BPD relatives during holidays.  You might  want to check out the suggested tools in that post.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=213106.0




 

[vmsh]

Hi TexasDaughter,

I feel ya.  My mother used to keep track of how many days I visited her, how many phone calls I made to her and then compared that to what her friends were saying they received from their daughters.   I used to say, there is no mother daughter books that says I have to do X.  She also tried to keep count of how many times I visited my in laws, etc.  She would tell me someone is having a family party/gathering and that I had to go because they were family.  And don't mention the holidays, she lived alone and wanted my full attention.  She FORCED family on me.  That's not a good thing.

I agree with the others, don't allow her to control the situation.  Do what is right for everyone as a whole.  You and your siblings seem to work together well and devise a plan that still includes her.  She should try to be accepting of what works for everyone, not just her.  I know it's hard, the guilt can almost kill you inside.  Don't let it.  Life changes, and she has to change with it.  Families grow, and she may not be the center of attention anymore.  That's an issue she needs to deal with.

Last thing, deal with it soon before the holidays arrive.  You will be miserable trying to figure this out while preparing for the holidays.  Peace & blessings!

[Grandmotherbear]

This is why I worked almost all the Thanksgivings and Christmases after marrying my second husband.
Besides my BPD egg donor trying to claim every holiday, we also had my siisterinlaw (dh's sister) taking over her mother's role as hostess and trying multiple ways to shame and embarrass me.

The first Christmas we had together I was scheduled to work at a local nursing home. I ran to the inlaws house on my lunch half hour, they had held lunch for me- and I could only eat for 5 minutes and not really talk to anyone. They were kind of upset when I told them I had to get back to work - I was 5 minutes late getting back and was counselled for "tardiness". BTW my Sis in law was in charge of seating- she put HER 2 children at the main table and me and my 2 at the card table in another room. And my husband at the main table also. I refused to sit in another room and rather than allow  HER children being sent to the card table, she tried to bully me into it. Finally my MIL went to the card table. This was one of the least objectionable things sis in law did to me.

I told DH he was welcome to go to his family and take the kids on the holidays. He refused to stand up for me, trying to excuse himself "that's just the way she is". To which my reply was "you  continually insist people are capable of change= what does it say then about their REFUSAL to change"?

After 20 years I got a Thanksgiving off and agreed to try it gain- the new hostess was DH's niece, her mother was the sis in law referred to again. I thought with a guest list of 25 that sil would have plenty of other people to practice her nastiness on and I could just sort of hide. They ran out of turkey gravy about half way thru the meal and no body wanted to go to the store for more. The older ladies all claimed they had forgotten how to make scratch gravy. I finally went to the roasting pan for drippings and made gravy in her largest stockpot. After the meal, someone praised mmy gravy and the fact I hadn't forgotten how to make it and I said it was because I fixed sausage gravy for the adults on every Boy Scout camping trip. They thought I was talking about Cub Scouts and when I was in the midst of explaining that I had continued in BSA after our son aged out and I was an Assistant Scoutmaster for our troop and an Assistant District Commissioner for our Council sis in law interrupted with "Can't you tell she's a man? Check out her moustache, I guess he didn't shave today", I shut up until DH was ready to leave. I should have insisted he drive me home right away she said that. My first action was to make sure I was scheduled to work Christmas, didn't want to have to go thru that again. Again, DH saw nothing wrong with her comments "that's just the way she is".

I had to retire for chronic pain issues- totally retire, not work the 4-5 days a month I had been working since 2012, on 6-1-2014... DH and I had planned a cosy Christmas for the 2 of us when my BPD mother contacted me on the 23rd December and ORDERED me, since I wasn't working, to spend Christmas with her. She also hinted I should leave DH at home (he did accompany me to all interactions with my mother since she tended to act less crazy with an observer) I should have refused. I didn't. I hated every moment spent with her and her craziness burst the dams even with DH there- long ago he decided the best way to deal with her was to do everything she said, and this time she directed him to drive down the wrong way of a one way street, which he did. I had a fit, asking her if she was going to switch the fines and the traffic points against his license to hers if he had gotten caught? We got into quite the screaming match with egg donor mother insisting he would never have gotten caught and me insisting yes he could have since there was an LEO not even a half block away. Beause of my reaction, the next time she directed him to do something he didn't understand and couldn't figure out, he brought the car to a dead stop in the idle of the intersection and refused to continue until he could understand her directions. She tried to guilt me into coming for Christmas of 2015 too and I refused. My brother visited- and she refused to let him spend the night in her apartment and sent him out to look for lodging in a tourist town on Xmas night. This the fair haired son who in the past could do no wrong!

I wish that I had done back then what Harri is suggesting now- say no, and live with the fallout. I couldn't change HER but I could change my actions and reactions. I could have taken every 3rd Xmas/Thxgiving off and spent with MY family, not DHs family and not my BPD egg donor "mother". I could have had some good memories to balance out all these memories that still have the power to disturb me.