This is really interesting about validation, as it reminds me that there is a school of thought that there had to be major validation "infractions" in a child's life to become predisposed to BPD, and now we as the "normal" ones are supposed to make up for whatever invalidation we have done in the past by assuming the patience of Mother Teresa and creating a safe environment for our BPD children.
We will know we have done so when they no longer act out in self harming or inappropriate ways. While I agree that most PEOPLE in general do better with a calm environment full of happy times, I think this theory overall is bunk. It puts the blame of BPD directly on the parents or caregivers. It does not take into account the positive, loving and attention filled families who struggle with BPD children.
As a teenager, my DD was in no mood ever to listen to anything, validating or not. If she came home and said she was hated at school, there was nothing I could say to make her think otherwise. If we had rules about anything that "controlled" her, (phones, computers, curfew) it was seen as a threat and we were "abusive".
However, now that she has experienced the world (in the worst ways possible) and as she gets older, I am able to talk to her more about imperfection - about my faults, traits and habits, which are often common humanity faults, traits and habits. Yes this is validation... .of humanity. No it would not have worked in the past. She was too self critical.
When the toddler is screaming or acting out, I can say gee I don't know what to do other than yell when I'm frustrated so I think it's better if I give myself a time out and leave the room for a bit, she calms down somewhat, but then she still has a screaming acting out toddler she can't handle... .and then it's my fault for teaching the child bad habits
I also try to pick times when I think my DD would be more receptive to ideas or comments to talk to her - she is in so much pain all of the time it is hard to find a moment - and then I preface my thoughts with starters like, "I know you might not want to hear this, but can I be honest?" or " I have some ideas about how to do such and such, are you in the mood to discuss?"
Now keep in mind, I am aging very quickly taking care of her and my granddaughter. I have no near future hope of travel or much time with my husband alone, or shopping for fun. Everything I do is to make her life easier, less stressful, and pain free. This means paying for almost everything, taking her and my granddaughter everywhere, dishes, laundry, cleaning, gardening, on call 24/7. When my husband is out of town and I have most of the childcare as well, it is overwhelming. But she is not self harming.
My daughter said to me the other day, "why don't you like being called grandma? That's what you are." I said something about her grandma still being alive and so there could not be 2 of us, but really, I don't feel like a grandmother because she did not give me any time or any of the pleasant life thresholds to cross before becoming one.
Slowly, age seems to be having a positive affect on her.
