How to get him help

[blueyes]

 Just feeling overwhelmed... .very very overwhelmed. Not sure where i fit in here. I am sure there are others here who have been on this journey a while. I feel like I am just starting my first steps on this road. And I wonder if my life will ever be normal... .or if it will always be filled with tension, eggshell walking, yelling, verbal abuse and chaos. He needs help but his work schedule keeps getting in the way. He only has weekends off. I feel trapped in an endless loop. Where nothing gets fixed because nothing is ever his fault and he is an expert at deflection. Have never seen anything like it. So a situation that should have taken a few minutes to resolve turns into hours. I am no longer the happy go lucky person I used to be I feel like his disorder has taken that from me. I am just a shadow of my former self.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi blueyes,

Welcome and hello 

This is a good board to start the journey to a better relationship, and better life for yourself. Feeling overwhelmed is a something many of us (all of us?) have felt in loving and living with someone BPD. Learning key skills does make it better, though it is hard work and takes a lot of practice to make these skills second nature.

How long have you two been together? Any kids? Do you two go through tender cycles where things seem ok?

Do you have a support network? How do your conversations typically go?

We're here to walk with you on this journey. You're not alone.

LnL

[Meili]

Is he open to getting help? If so, perhaps there are non-traditional methods that would provide him with a good place to start.

But, absent that, as LNL said, there are things that you can do to mitigate the damage and help to start improve the situation. The sidebar to the right of this page provides links that offer a great place to start.

[westexy]

Hi Blueyes - I'm new here as well and I know how you feel. After an initial introduction, I got some really good and direct advice from experienced members of this board. I am taking my time to read through posts. I'm also in the process of S-L-O-W-L-Y preparing things in case I need to file for divorce at some point. I'm not sure what's going to happen with me, but when I came to this board I was looking for guidance about how to give my uBPDh an ultimatum about getting help. I have put that off for now and am focusing on taking care of myself and my child - rebuilding my life after my husband drove away my family, friends, etc and I started isolating myself so I wouldn't have to explain his behavior or I wouldn't have to put up with his anger after a happy hour with friends or doing yoga. I am exercising again, going out with friends, meeting up with my family - all without my husband. Our situation is complicated further by his drinking problem. I still need to find my own therapist/counselor. Just wanted to say hello and welcome.

[SettingBorders]

Hello and welcome blueyes,

I am new here too and I found that forum a wonderful place to talk about problems and get some help. Many loved ones here deal with the same issues, so one can learn a lot from other posts and experiences.

Just to get into one thing: You wrote about the full working schedule of your husband/boyfriend. My boyfriend is kind of a caotic work-a-holic, constantly beginning things but never finishes them, dissipates his energies for nothing, thinks his current activity is the most important in the world, just for forgetting about it a few days later. For now, I have not found a way for helping him, but I have gotten more detached from it. Which helps me - and helping yourself is priority.

Fixing broken things isn't the most attractive thing to do in our leisure time for anyone. And the mere perspective of having to deal with problems won't motivate people with BPD to get out for their routine for solving them. So, fixing things might be not the first, but a second step for your partner after having found more time to himself. Planning and doing some nice activities for yourself might show him what he's missing - and if not, you at least did something good for yourself, which is what you need and deserve.