Seeking guidance

[noxqsz]

My wife and I have been married for 4.5 years now. I always knew she had emotional problems. Her first husband was abusive and committed suicide, her previous psychiatrist diagnosed her with bipolar disorder, she sees more doctors in a month than the average person sees in 5 years, she cares for others to the point of ignoring her own health and/or personal finances, but I know she is a good person, and I love her.
The past 4 months have been exceptionally trying: she is actively seeking out drama, actively seeking out arguments or prompting questions that she knows will lead to conflict, distorting simple comments into personal attacks, finding fault in almost anything I do, dramatically overspending. She has new friends that she treats more like family than she does her own family, and all of her old friends are obsolete. I can't focus at work because she regularly calls me or texts me when I am at work to explain the latest drama that she has stirred up and if I don't respond within a few minutes, I am getting lectured and belittled for it. She is hurting my relationship with her and her relationship with her daughter who is now 15.
She asked me to come to her last psychiatrist appointment to attest to the fact that the meds that she is taking aren't working. Her psychiatrist eventually told her that she thought that her previous doctor had misdiagnosed her with bipolar and that she believed her to have BPD. With everything that I have experienced, I have to believe that diagnosis to be true.
I have never been on medications before, but 3 months ago, I was put on anti-anxiety meds.
I am seeking guidance to help me cope with my wife's illness before it damages our marriage anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi noxqsz,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. Anxiety is tough, I hope that the
medication helps you with the symptoms. As reading your post it reminded me of my ex with how she would bait and would contact me at work and I felt so much stress because of the conflict with her while I was working.

I'm not sure if you're working with a T, it you're not it helps to see a T concurrently with a support group. You'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. You mentioned that your wife doesn't take care of herself, and I'd like to ask you if you get time by yourself for self care?

The lessons are to the right of the board. It sounds to me like your wife is trying to bait you into fights. A tool that reduces conflict, helps stop the bleeding in r/s's is not JADE'ing. Don't Justify, Attack, Defend or Explain. You can more about it here:

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain) - bpdfamily

It's not uncommon that someone gets misdiagnosed with a mood disorder but many of us have a pwBPD that are not diagnosed in their lives and what we look at are traits of the borderline personality type and what types of behaviors do we accept from others in r/s's? What doesn't align with my values and what are my boundaries against said behaviors? I would suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.

It helps to depersonalize the behaviors and become indifferent to them, you neither like it or hate it and when we understand the dysfunctional behaviors we can assert personal boundaries with a pwBPD or anyone else in our lives.

[Meili]

I too would like to welcome you to the bpdfamily.

In addition to what Mutt said, I learned that getting out of the corners of the Karpman Drama Triangle helped me stop the bleeding.

[noxqsz]

Thanks, Mutt and Meili. I am just now reading into this disorder and learning more about it, so thank you for giving me a few items to look at.

Mutt, in response to your question, I get very little alone time. I wish I got more than I do, but I have developed a pattern since being with her. She only works part time and I mean 10 to 15 hours per week typically, but when I have plans that don't involve or revolve around her, many times, she will tell me how she has to do "everything" and how she has to take care of her daughter alone, etc, which just guilts me into doing more work at home on top of my full time job. So, I have found myself working non-stop for weeks on end until recently. I have been reading about how when you are in a situation like I am, you really have to take care of yourself, so I am working on that. I was told by someone recently that I need to "do something for my soul everyday". I just need to program myself to make that a priority.

[Mutt]

Hi noxsqz,

So, I have found myself working non-stop for weeks on end until recently. I

I can relate my ex guilting me by exaggerating that she had to do everything, she intermittently worked part time and did some volunteer work here and there. Have you tried something like telling her that you're stepping out to go to the gym and you'll be back in a hour or so? That way it well assuage her abandonment fears? Working out helps alleviate anxiety symptoms.

Can You Beat Anxiety by Exercising?

Meili mentioned triangulation. Why are you putting so much time at work? I'm not saying that you're doing this, it's just speculation but sometimes triangulation doesn't involve a third person, sometimes it can be something like putting long hours at work. When we experience a lot of pressure in our relationship we may triangulate to take the pressure off the relationship. I'm not saying that my experience is the same as yours because everyone' situation is unique and their own but I work a lot of over-time when we had some really difficult patches in my marriage.

[livednlearned]

Hi noxsqz,

Welcome and hello 

Is there any reason you can think of to explain why she started making so much drama beginning 4 months ago? Is this by chance an anniversary of something tragic in her life?

How did your wife respond to the BPD diagnosis? Is she willing to get treatment?

I have a BPD loved one who is dx'd bipolar, who I believe is BPD. I notice she almost clings to the bipolar dx as a form of identity, perhaps to help explain the powerful moods she experiences. There is no reasoning with her, she  is adamant that the dx is accurate.

When your wife reports on all the drama going on, how do you respond? Do you try to help her solve the problems she is creating? It could be that the best antidote is to be very boring in your responses, or to validate any feelings.

People with BPD tend to call and text a lot, in my experience. When you tell her that you cannot always respond right away, what does she say, and how do you respond to her?

[noxqsz]

Sorry that it has been a couple of weeks since my last reply. I am very busy lately.

@Mutt, I am not "at work" per se. Just working at work 8 to 10 hours a day, 40 hours a week, then expected to work at home, so it seems like constant work or lack of relaxing at least.

@livednlearned, 4 months ago, her 15 year old daughter told her that she didn't want to live with her anymore and move in with friends about 70 miles away after spending a week over the summer there. Obviously, that didn't happen, but it is apparent that she is tired of my wife's actions and behavior also. Also, her first husband's (who commited suicide) birthday is in early July, also. So, July being a stressful month isn't uncommon, but this has prolonged for far too long at this point.
Her willingness to get treatment is questionable. She told her psychiatrist that she would but she has told me otherwise.
I am exhausted by all of the drama that she brings to me anymore. I try not to get short with her. I usually just listen or pretend to and let her blow off some steam.
When I tell her that I can't respong right away, she usually feels slighted and holds it against me as if what I was doing was more important than she is.