on the precipice of failure.

[heilbader]

hi, new here.
I’m an woman who has been with my partner for a handful of years now, on and off.
My spouse has BPD, fairly severely, and I am continually struggling with avoidance of his triggers and the emotional fallout therefore.

Today, after a toxic week with many fights, he attempted to take my house keys and I lost it. I reacted, immediately and catastrophically. I attempted to take them back from him, and screamed at him to “GIVE ME MY KEYS”.
It all did not go very well. He knocked me around and banged me up. I did not touch him beyond attempting to reach for said keys.

Reality hit me, and my reaction died. I left the room, and went into one of the bedrooms, and just sat there. I thought he left for work, but half an hour passed, and he came up and asked me if I was willing to talk to him.

He stood above the stairs and asked, “what do you want from me?” an impossible question, considering the complexities of his illness.

I replied, “I want calm and respect.”

He then went on to say I attacked him, and he only did what he had to do.
Emotionally I was entirely disengaged, as I just realized I was not to a point where I could provide the empathy necessary to connect with his pain, not considering the accusations in front of me.


My partner is known for taking his personal relationships to the furthest extent of legal means. It is and has always been his weapon. He’s a brilliant man who uses the court system as a tool for cruelty. I can only assume he was recording this conversation and asked me, calmly, to speak to him, so he could note in the recording that I attacked him.



Tonight, we took the children to dinner, and put them to bed. He has been tinkering around the house, glaring at me from the corner of his eyes every so often.

I’m exhausted, devastated, hopeless, and desperate.
I love him, dearly, but I am very afraid of him.

Leaving him would be catastrophic. Staying with him looks like it will continue to be catastrophic.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry for what you are enduring. I truly am.

Please please realize that you are worthy and deserving of a healthy happy relationship.

YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS ABUSE! Please protect yourself.

There are many ways to start the process of protecting yourself and your children. I suggest contacting a local domestic violence shelter immediately so they are aware of the situation and can outline your options. You can do this. You are not protecting your children by staying. You are teaching them how it is acceptable to treat others and to be treated themselves. So here are some concrete things that can begin the baby steps toward being safe and healthy and happy.

1) get in touch with domestic violence organization and ask for advice.
2) get a phone with Dr. Phil's wife's domestic violence safety app (I can't recall the name) and set it up with all its features. It is disguised as a current events app so he won't know. You can set up different features to call for help to friend or police.
3) get a "go" bag for you and kids ready with change of clothes any necessary meds and some cash and spare house and car keys and hide it at work or a trusted friends house. Be careful who you choose as they may tell him. Thats what happened to me. Be VERY sure they do not approve of him and that he wouldn't think of looking for you there.
4) get extra car and house keys cut and hide them outside so you can get out of the house and into your car and away in a hurry if you have to
5) start recording your conversations and any violence events hopefully without him knowing ... .learn to use your phone and its recording features you can always set it to voice record and just set it aside to record the violent events should they occur again
6) set up a safe word and a check in system with a friend. I used the word hippo and if I called any of 3 friends and said something like I can't come over later I will have to pick up that hungry hippo game tomorrow or Sorry I'll have to rein check coffee tonight I am feeling like a fat bloated hippo they knew to call police. I also texted a friend morning and night to indicate I was ok. I then immediately deleted the texts. At least they knew I was safe twice a day.

You do not deserve to endure this. Yes living this way is hell but staying is hell too so you may not leave but you need to be prepared and safe just in case. No matter what you decide this group is a wonderful support system. You can get through this. We are here for you.

Remember your safety is paramount. You are allowed to feel safe.

 You need a therapist for yourself. Just get some support from a neutral trained 3rd party that can help you do whatever you choose to do.

ok please keep us posted I will be thinking of you.   

[hope2727]

I hope you are doing ok today. It is ok to want to repair your relationship. It is ok to feel love for your partner. It is ok to feel anything you feel at all. I want you to know that you are not alone. We are here for you. Just please think about a safety plan. Being hit is NEVER ok. I hope you post here agin today so that we know you are alright.

I am so so sorry you are enduring this. I have been there. My mom was in a long long marriage like this too. I have seen it as a child and as a spouse. I know how desperate it can feel. I am sending you hugs and prayers. I hope you and your kids are holding up. I also know about the abuse of the legal system thing. My dad was like that and 2 of my siblings are lawyers so I totally get it. You are not alone. You can get through this whatever you decide to to.

Keep us all posted when you are able.

[VitaminC]

Hi heilbader,

I would like to welcome you to BPD Family, first of all. I am sorry for the situation that has brought you here, but believe that you, like so many other of us, will find this a supportive and useful community.

It does sound like a very stressful situation that you are in. Your safety in the short-term is our first concern. Do you feel safe right now? Has the physical situation you describe in your post happened before? Are you fearful of this happening again?

Have you family or friends that are sufficiently in your life (close enough physically or that you are in touch with often) to whom you can turn if you need to talk or if you need some space?

The feeling of "continually struggling with avoidance of his triggers and the emotional fallout therefore" is one that many members here will be familiar with. We call it "walking on eggshells", and there's even a very good book by that title that many found useful.  Living this way is exhausting and there are thing that you can do to gradually ease that off. We have many resources here, and many members who will share their own stories of what has worked and what is working (or not) - we all learn from each other as much from the books and articles we have here.

I would like to encourage you to tell us more of your story, please. As hope2727 has said, do tell us what is happening now and how you are.

In the meantime, giving a call to a local domestic violence hotline, just for information, is not a bad idea. Would you consider this?

I hope to hear more from you. 

[Turkish]

Hello heilbader,

This sounds like a confusing time to say the least , and I hope that you've reached out to local resources as the others have encouraged.  Is hard to feel that maybe you are trapped, especially with children.  Definitely come up with a safety plan.  Abuse often continues because it is hidden.  I also encourage you to reach out to anyone you can trust in your life in order to let them know what's going on. 

I get the dynamic of getting into arguments, desiring, perhaps,  for the other person to understand what at are feeling,  or point of view.  If he's locked into the easy he always deals with things,  he isn't likely to understand.  Though you're not ultimately responsible for his actions (he owns his abuse and domestic violence),  you can do your part to help reduce conflict
 Think of this as tactical steps while you take steps to develop a strategy.  Lesson 3 contains communication skills which can help reduce conflict in the meantime :

Lessons for Members who are in a Relationship

How old are your kids,  and how do you feel this is affecting them at this point?

Turkish