NC for 2 weeks so far

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

Just wanted to write it out. Dated this girl for 3 years about 7.5 years ago. We were so good in the beginning, idealization phase you know. We loved each other so much. But She was so controlling (jealousy, cannot have girlfriends, cannot have girls as partners in projects) but then I still let it slide. Constantly wanted my attention. Would get into extreme jealousy. We were young at that time so I thought it was probably just immaturity. Most of the time I would stand my ground. But that would turn into countless arguments. At some point in time, I started becoming her "perfect boyfriend," would do everything she wanted me to just cause I love her. That is when the devaluation phase begins. She would talk so countless guys who clearly are attracted to her but continuing to talk to them. So I realized she has an enormous need for attention, not only would they talk, but they would text constantly throughout entire day. Me, being the boyfriend that changed my values and principles for her, of course would not tolerate this double standard. So at some point, I became the "controlling boyfriend" But she would not listen and on my graduation, she decided to break up with me. I made the mistake of begging her back but did not work. At that point, I have heard she moved on to another guy already. Then dated another 2 guys after that.

For the next 3 years after the break up, I thought about her everyday. I tried everything, blocking facebook, etc etc. Still could not keep her out of my mind. I went to graduate school, kept my mind off of her but sometimes but not usually. I dated other girls but I would constantly compare them to her and nothing ever felt like the idealization phase I experienced with her. Her parents really like me so we kept in contact throughout the years. I explained to her how much I missed her and we were in love and got back together.

At first, everything was good and lovey dovey. But that was my 3rd year in grad school, probably the most difficult and busiest year of my life. But she would be very demanding and we would constantly argue about small and particular things. She would lash out on me the most insignificant things while I was studying (She got mad at me for not talking to her for 4 hours because I have an exam the next day). She would constantly require me to update her whereever I go, would get mad at me for not calling her within 5 minutes after work. etc. As stressful as I was, I needed to pass, that is when the arguments go through the roof. I really really tried to accomodate her as much as I can, but it just never seems enough. There was a period of time I wanted to just drive off a cliff and die due to handling school, work, her. Fast forward. I just graduated and finished my boards, letting her know that I have A LOT of time now to provide for her. However, she wanted to break up with me because it was "too late." She went on full on rampage about how it was all my fault, pointing every single faults and things that I said. Some of the reasonings are completely in her imagination. She did the, as I researched, "Splicing/Split" defense mechanism. I was fine at first thinking how controlling and emotional abusive she was (saying stuff like "Are you only with me because you're 27 and can't find a gf?" 

I was absolutely fine for a week after this second break up because I was away from that abuse. But then I started missing her idealization phase again. I tried to get her back but at that point it was already too late because she splitted me black. I was just so confused because literally a month ago she talked about having kids with me. Did some begging but of course it didn't work.  I thought I accepted it and told her that I want to be "friends" just to stay in her life because I don't want to lose her again, then she would constantly update me about her day as if nothing has ever happened. THis happened for a few days, then I decided I couldn't do it anymore and told her. Straight up NC almost 14 days now. I really thought she was the one. Really think I could dodge a bullet for her. At this point, she also started grad school and also expericing the busiest year of her life. This was when I did some research and realize she fits most of the categories of BPD in the DSM-V.

Really want to contact her right now and see how she doing or she miss me at all but I am trying really hard to hold it back. Should I be just her friend and show her that life is much better now without school and stress? Any support would be good! Thanks guys

[GIStock]

Hi all,

Just wanted to write it out. Dated this girl for 3 years about 7.5 years ago. We were so good in the beginning, idealization phase you know. We loved each other so much. But She was so controlling (jealousy, cannot have girlfriends, cannot have girls as partners in projects) but then I still let it slide. Constantly wanted my attention. Would get into extreme jealousy. We were young at that time so I thought it was probably just immaturity. Most of the time I would stand my ground. But that would turn into countless arguments. At some point in time, I started becoming her "perfect boyfriend," would do everything she wanted me to just cause I love her. That is when the devaluation phase begins. She would talk so countless guys who clearly are attracted to her but continuing to talk to them. So I realized she has an enormous need for attention, not only would they talk, but they would text constantly throughout entire day. Me, being the boyfriend that changed my values and principles for her, of course would not tolerate this double standard. So at some point, I became the "controlling boyfriend" But she would not listen and on my graduation, she decided to break up with me. I made the mistake of begging her back but did not work. At that point, I have heard she moved on to another guy already. Then dated another 2 guys after that.

For the next 3 years after the break up, I thought about her everyday. I tried everything, blocking facebook, etc etc. Still could not keep her out of my mind. I went to graduate school, kept my mind off of her but sometimes but not usually. I dated other girls but I would constantly compare them to her and nothing ever felt like the idealization phase I experienced with her. Her parents really like me so we kept in contact throughout the years. I explained to her how much I missed her and we were in love and got back together.

At first, everything was good and lovey dovey. But that was my 3rd year in grad school, probably the most difficult and busiest year of my life. But she would be very demanding and we would constantly argue about small and particular things. She would lash out on me the most insignificant things while I was studying (She got mad at me for not talking to her for 4 hours because I have an exam the next day). She would constantly require me to update her whereever I go, would get mad at me for not calling her within 5 minutes after work. etc. As stressful as I was, I needed to pass, that is when the arguments go through the roof. I really really tried to accomodate her as much as I can, but it just never seems enough. There was a period of time I wanted to just drive off a cliff and die due to handling school, work, her. Fast forward. I just graduated and finished my boards, letting her know that I have A LOT of time now to provide for her. However, she wanted to break up with me because it was "too late." She went on full on rampage about how it was all my fault, pointing every single faults and things that I said. Some of the reasonings are completely in her imagination. She did the, as I researched, "Splicing/Split" defense mechanism. I was fine at first thinking how controlling and emotional abusive she was (saying stuff like "Are you only with me because you're 27 and can't find a gf?" 

I was absolutely fine for a week after this second break up because I was away from that abuse. But then I started missing her idealization phase again. I tried to get her back but at that point it was already too late because she splitted me black. I was just so confused because literally a month ago she talked about having kids with me. Did some begging but of course it didn't work.  I thought I accepted it and told her that I want to be "friends" just to stay in her life because I don't want to lose her again, then she would constantly update me about her day as if nothing has ever happened. THis happened for a few days, then I decided I couldn't do it anymore and told her. Straight up NC almost 14 days now. I really thought she was the one. Really think I could dodge a bullet for her. At this point, she also started grad school and also expericing the busiest year of her life. This was when I did some research and realize she fits most of the categories of BPD in the DSM-V.

Really want to contact her right now and see how she doing or she miss me at all but I am trying really hard to hold it back. Should I be just her friend and show her that life is much better now without school and stress? Any support would be good! Thanks guys

[GIStock]

And I am completely nonfunctional right now. Just been sticking on my bed. Tried to go out on a date few days ago, felt nothing just everything reminded me of her. Stuck in this stupid limbo

[amunt]

I was in the same situation, you just lost time with these creatures.
Move on brother

[heartandwhole]

Hi GIStock,



I'd like to welcome you to the site. I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup. That is really painful, especially after having put so much effort into it. It hurts so much to lose someone we love. I can relate, as I was shattered after breaking up with pwBPD (person with BPD).

I'm here to tell you that things do get better—they really do. But it takes time to recover. These are not like "normal" breakups. These relationships are emotionally "loaded," and when they fall apart, we are often left dealing with not only the loss of the immediate relationship, but with repressed pain from our childhoods.

Unfortunately, if your girlfriend has BPD, these push-pull dynamics are not likely to change. With lots of therapy (for both partners) and strong boundaries and communication skills, things can work better in a relationship. It really takes a lot of strength and commitment from both sides, however.

I can fully understand your feelings of missing her, and wanting to reach out and contact her. That is so normal, and so many of us have been there. At those times when the urge to reach out feels the strongest, I'd recommend taking a few deep breaths and feeling your feelings. There is something that you don't want to feel, and that is why the desire to reach out (to soothe yourself) is so strong. It may feel strange at first, but with practice, going within to check things out instead of impulsively acting on urges gets easier.

Congratulations on passing your boards! What a great achievement, especially with so much stress in your life at the time. It must feel wonderful to be free of textbooks and tests. I hope you have been able to celebrate your success with friends and family.

How are you doing with self-care right now, GIStock? Getting enough sleep and eating well? Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on?

Here is an article that really helped me when I came to this site. I needed help understanding what I had just been through—I felt so confused.

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Keep writing, GIStock. We're here to support you. 

heartandwhole

[GIStock]

Thanks!

I just don't know how I can ever get over this. I couldn't get over her for 3 years before. This time, with more and better memory, will probably be worse. I could barely eat or sleep. Lost quite a few pounds over the past few weeks already. Going dates didn't help either cause I would compare. Should I contact to be friends with her again so just her lack of "object permanence" doesnt come into play?

[heartandwhole]

Hi GI,

I certainly can understand your feelings here. It makes sense that you miss the idealization and have cravings to be with her again. We've all been there, and it's really tough to get through. I hope you are being gentle with yourself.

I suggest that you try to start putting the focus on you instead of her. I know it feels like she holds the key to your happiness right now, but it isn't true. You do. And in my experience, no good decisions can come from this hurt and confused state. 

Should I contact to be friends with her again so just her lack of "object permanence" doesnt come into play?

You have already compromised your values in the past to remain in the relationship, and now it sounds like you want to jump through more hoops just to keep her around. Do you think over the long term this will be satisfying for you? 

If you want to try again to be in a relationship with your girlfriend, I'd recommend having a look at the Improving Board, where you will find tons of skills in the areas of communication and boundaries that can help if she decides she wants to try again, too. The good news is that those skills are wonderful for all relationships, not just with pwBPD. 

heartandwhole

[lostnlonelydee]

Hey GIStock,

I can relate to a lot of your story, in particular the extreme jealousy and constant messaging with other guys. I also lost a ton of weight and felt destroyed every single day after it happened. Also gave myself away trying to please her and be a good bf... .

Seems like it might be too early for you to be dating again. Give yourself time away from her, be proud of what you've accomplished, and repeatedly read that article heartandwhole linked to, helped me a lot in trying to make sense of things. Also think heartandwhole has raised good points. It may help you to look into why you are attracted to someone who could treat you like this, and still want to go back for more. No judgement in that, I'm still working through these issues myself. I found a therapist who I seem to be able to open up with quite easily and feel like its also helped a lot.

Mine texted me after around 5 weeks of NC, trying to explain herself in a very round about way, playing the martyr. I ignored her message, but I reached out to say hello and find out how she was about 7 weeks after that. Was friendly, but I get the sense that that is the last time we'll ever communicate. We didn't go through any recycles (apart from a month of her wanting to be with me after the break up), she seems quite happy in her choice to leave now, and for the longest time all I wanted was to get her back. There's still part of that in me, but logic is starting to out weigh the heart, I KNOW I'll be better off without her in my life... .

And even as I type that there is a hint of love for her, but what is love to me is not necessarily the same for her. Strongly recommend heartandwhole's link, lots of good points to think about. It does get better with time focused on yourself 

[GIStock]

Thanks guys! Really gives me a different perspective on this.

Another reason why I hold on to so much hope is because she started therapy about 2 months before the break up. When we had our talk after the break up, it appears that she said she "realizes" her insecurities  were all because of me and my actions only, and that she would NOT be as clingy and insecure with her next boyfriend.

Now I dunno if she is winding me up by giving me hope. From this I feel like therapy would help. But she seems firm with her decision and wished me luck dating with others.

I made the mistake of begging for a little right before our last chat, that probably really give her the power and pushed me away further. Lesson learned, never ever ever ever beg, you're just going to get dropped including the last bit of your dignity!

[lovenature]

She said she "realizes" her insecurities  were all because of me and my actions only, and that she would NOT be as clingy and insecure with her next boyfriend.

If you accepted her behaviour and tried to show her that she can trust you, and you trust her, then she would have learned in successful therapy that her insecurities were not appropriate and it was her perception of reality, not you and your actions, that caused her behaviour.
To a PWBPD feelings=facts; they are known to be extremely convincing to people who they aren't closely intimate with, including professional therapists, and can get them to believe a completely different story than what actually happened.

PWBPD need attachments to exist, they hate to loose them; any response to their attempts at contact shows them you are still available. The only way for a BPD relationship to be healthy enough for both partners is for the PWBPD to commit to years of therapy to manage their emotions/behaviour, and their partner to accept who they are and use tools to help make it work.

Members here have said that "friends" doesn't work, because the PWBPD's reality depends on their current emotion of the moment; I have had my ex. say she just wanted a friend to talk to one minute, then the next she was wanting to be intimate, minutes later when I tried to explain it wasn't appropriate behaviour, she hated me.

NC is tough, I have found that it gets worse before it gets better. Keep reading, learning, and posting. Others have given good advice in recommending you focus on you. 

[JQ]

Hi GI,

I see with only 4 post on record you're fairly new to the boards. I'm sorry for the reason you had to find us but happy that you found the group. You won't find anyone here judging you because we've all been where you are. BPD is a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that you have learned through the DSM-V and other research you've done. You have also learned that this push/pull, painted white, painted black cycle will continue unless YOU decide you want it to stop. As Lovenature points out, a pwBPD requires years of therapy in an attempt to maintain some sort of "normalcy". But for the record, my exBPDgf has been in & out of therapy for nearly 30 years & is no where near "healthy" or "maintaining normalcy". Many people with Ph.d, Clinical therapist, Clinical Psychologist have tried, I was ignorantly uneducated that I thought I could succeed where so many others who are highly educated & experienced have failed. In cases with BPD, "Love Does NOT Conquer All".

Do NOT try to make logical sense out of anything a pwBPD will say or do, it doesn't work that way. They have as you have experienced their own reality right or wrong to you it's THIER reality and nothing can or will change that. You will read on here time and time again that the NON, "thats you, me & pretty much everyone on the board" will NEVER receive an apology from their pwBPD, it doesn't fit into their psychology. Many of us have had similar experiences like you. One second you're the most amazing person in this person life, YOU understand them like no one else has, "YOU have a connection with them", no one has ever cared for them like YOU, etc etc etc.  Then the next minute you are the most vial piece of human filth to walk the earth and don't deserve to share the same air that they breath.

Again as you have read BPD is a very serious Cluster B Mental Illness. New MRI studies of the neuro-network within the brain is short circuited. As an article I read said, they have off ramps to no where, they physical do not connect to the certain parts of the brain. This condition can be passed down from parent to child due to it's genetic component of genomic nature of the condition. This is currently beyond modern medicine to "cure", but as some articles have suggested there can be a "limited management" of the mental illness with pharma & a LIFETIME of continued mental health counseling from professionals much more educated in BPD mental illness.  Keep in mind those kids she wanted to have with you, chances are they could get the gene that causes this awful life mental illness and now instead of one person in your life that is mentally ill you have multiple people in your life with a Cluster B Mental Illness. If you pursue a life with this pwBPD you might as well add some rail cars to her crazy train or get some more feed for more flying monkey's.  Ok, that last sentence is an attempt at some off color humor, which you'll need to have.

So if you want to go NC then do it. It's going to suck, one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do but you're a smart person with a graduate degree and you know you can do some amazing things that you didn't think possible right?  Going NC is NOT about her ... .it's about YOU and YOU setting boundaries for YOURSELF!

So, if NC is your goal then block her number in your phone so you don't get text or calls from her. Next DELETE her number so in a moment of weakness or one to many beers you give her a call. Don't think it can't happen because it does ... .there are plenty of post to testify too that. Next lock down your FB & other social media so that she can't continue to "stalk" you or other wise interfere in your life. Avoid going to her FB page ... .when you think about doing it, snap a rubber band on your wrist over and over again until you no longer want to check it. It's called conditioning like Pablov's dog, once you associate thinking about going to her FB page = physical pain you'll be less likely to check it out.

Next YOU need to work on YOU! find a good therapist that is well versed in NON vs BPD r/s. Most of us will testify to that this is one of a few key's to getting past this moment of your life. You're going to need some help sorting through your thoughts, emotions and frustrations with dealign with your exBPD. They will help you put in boundaries for YOU, to protect YOU! Boundaries are another key to getting past this portion of your life. They will also help you do a deep dive on yourself and see why you might be a NON aka a Codependent and are "naturally" attracted to someone who has BPD. You might not like what you find, but it's another key to helping you get through all of this.

I personally learned that I was the perfectionist, the Knight in Amor the Sheriff with the badge because of my BPD step mother. I tried to protect my siblings form her crazy making behavior, and I tried as hard as I could to make things perfect so that she wouldn't rage at me or the others and to some degree get the acknowledgment & love that a child deserves and needs ... .sadly it was never to come. Even to this day she rages against those she loves closest to her, never apologizes for any of her behavior and she continues to hurt & destroy those closest to her. I have chosen to have LC or limited contact with her. She has never apologized to me or anyone else for that matter. And I've seen my step sister & 1/2 brother with the same behavior destroying & hurting those closest to them. I have decided to go NC with them. And you know, as hard as it was, this has made a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE in my personal life in a VERY positive manner.

Next make sure you're exercising as much as possible. Go for a walk, a run, bike ride, gym whatever it is that you do to burn up stress & get the good endorphins moving in your body. Hell even a mile walk will only take 15 minutes on a bad day. Next, listen to good music this puts you in a good frame of mind. Eat better, chances are your not and nothing good comes from junk food not even your poo. That is suppose to make you smile too which brings me to the next part. HUMOR is good for you so get out to a comedy club with a couple of friends and laugh. Call up an old friend you've lost contact with just to catch up, this is food for the soul.

  Then continued to read, learn and come here to post as often as you need too. Gain the strength in moments of weakness that you might need. Gain the knowledge of certain behavior she is doing or thoughts you might have.  This is going to be a long and bumpy path on your journey. But if you look over your shoulder you'll see the group here holding out a hand to help you up when you stumble ... .SHOCKER SPOILER ALERT!  WE ALL HAVE! We'll dust you off and straighten you back up but then it's up to you to decided to continue down the path your on, choose the path to the right & see where that leads too or sit back down and do nothing. The choice has been and will ALWAYS be yours to make.  

J

A couple of books to read is, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I hate you I love you don't leave me". This book is about the perfect storm of a Codependent & BPD r/s and how it will continue to recycle over and over again unless you take the steps to stop the crazy train and get off.

[Butterflies free]

Hi GI,

With posts like JQ's, please know, you're in very good hands here... .

JQ... .WOW! AMAZING!
It's posts just like yours that gave me hope and peace and reason to come on board with my experiences as well.

You've said everything that could be said! Beautifully written... educated, thoughtful and accurate.
Thank goodness for this site!

[Lexisdad]

Gi,
I'm 10 months out from by breakup after a 6 year relationship. JQ was the leading role model of why i am in the great place today. I went Strict NC since march 1 st except didnt lock my email down. Read my posts for my story.

5 weeks ago i get an email from my ex BPDgf starting with " hi, just returned from Anguilla". In 6 years i couldnt get this woman to ever go away despite offering. So i obviously know she went with a guy. Proceeds to tell me she 's moved on!' I sit on the email and they continue with the last a week ago that she s desperate for me to contact her and that she knows she sounds pathetic!

I finally reply with one photo of my daughter that she was begging to see. From there it's been on. She asked me to unblock her which i did. She will not call will only text!

She has admitted that she was with her ex bf from 6 years ago that was so horrific to her! She had a great summer and a lovely 10 day vacation with him but ended" that s--t" the day they returned. The reason "i couldnt live that lavish lifestyle". Really who doesnt want that.

She tells me she contacted me the day she ended it. It was the biggest mistake of her life leaving me and her family is so mad she ruined the best thing she ever had and please reconsider. 4 days later once again i catch her in the most insignificant lie about attending her sons back to school night.

Believe me i was in the worse way possible when i found this and godsends like jq. Life is great now. Every one of my health issues from adrenal fatigue and stress is gone! 44 waist to 32! Ran my first half marathon! Feel great and most importantly look great. It gets better believe me and its a long road but these people will never change. We are responsible for our own happiness.

As for me. I dont need a pen pal at 49 years of age. She made the wine she drinks the cup. I will never go back and its almost comical how desperate she is! Just today i get " my life sucks" text'. Tough s--t sweetheart. Does anyone really believe she ended a relationship because of a lavish lifestyle. Of course not! She even told me her mother is the only one knows she reached out to me! Im sure she painted me black as they do!

Stay strong and JQ a masterpiece as usual!

[GIStock]

Wow thanks guys!

That was really insightful! Logically this is really helpful. And I tell you I am an extremely logical person. I guess that was what happened in the relationship, I could not grasp and understand why she has these explosion of sensitive emotions.

I was more traumatized by the blame she put on me after the relationship. I completely broke down for several days after. Rethinking all the things she said and all the things I could have done. It's true that I got angered and yelled at her and said things that I should not have said. I really thought those were my faults, but majority of them she initiates the argument (I know I sound like I am blaming), and the stress led me to those behavior. I have no excuse for them I couldn't control my anger. These led to massive regret that has been trailing me. I know a lot of these are just blames and projections she put toward me, but that still makes me think that I could've dodged them. If I just accepted her emotions for what it was, perhaps it would not have been like this now.

I keep thinking she was bad, but she was not that bad. It's just her attention seeking behavior from other guys, lack of boundaries, controlling behavior, heavy triangulation. Now I am more drawn by how much I miss her and hurt by how happy she is without me. It's like she turned a switch inside me from logical to emotional. She hasn't cheated (or not that I know of) or gotten me involved with the police yet.

Today I have been trying to force myself to think, 10 years down the line, could I still say the same thing? Maybe or maybe not, but sometimes I feel like I want to try. I am the kind of guy who likes to try my best and I am very FOMO of any chances or opportunities

I blocked her on facebook on Day 1 already but have not blocked her on other apps. Deleted her pics but she have not done so. (I know this is petty of me -__-). Her mother called me to tell me she broke down after I deleted them because they were "memories." At this point, I know she does not sulk and have been very busy at work and sometimes go out on the weekend. Btw, did I mention that she is going to be a psychotherapist? I cannot win her mind games. 


@JQ - I was pondering about what you said regarding taking years for therapy for it to work. My ex is in school as a psychotherapist, I am not really sure if she will see those issues upon herself. When we broke up, it seems as though she had everything figured out but mentioned nothing about BPD. Do you think she really had a breakthrough with her therapist or it is just a temporary thing?
-  I was wondering within the first 3 years of relationship with her, what are some of extreme symptoms and issues that you experienced. Anything that can be extrapolated using my experiences would be helpful!


@Lexisdad - I appreciate your story too! I was hoping if you remember any warnings signs from her during the early relationship phase within the first 3 years that accumulated to this extreme result today? Thanks

At this point, I am swaying between NC or No NC and be with friends with her. Her parents encourage me to stay as friends with her because I have a really good relationship with them. Her mother checks up on me once in a while and tells me about her, that's kinda breaking the NC? I also am very tempted to contact her because I feel like I can be there for her as a friend after learning all this about BPD, not sure if she has painted me black and will reject me though.

You guys have been so helpful and insightful. I had been bedridden but starting to go out more. Starting work tomorrow in the healthcare field, hopefully I can concentrate and not hurt anyone! And yes, I will definitely need to go back to the gym and try to eat more healthy! Thank you all for sharing your stories and experiences of the long term effects of these relationships! It's helping me a step at a time!

[Lexisdad]

GI,
There were plenty of warnings signs and red flags that i didn't miss i ignored! I shouldve walked 6 month's into the relationship but didn't. She told me she was bipolar early in the relationship. She was no doubt the prettiest sexiest woman i've ever been with. I was no doubt highly addicted to the sex.

She sent me two pics of her and her son to show me how much he grew. Well there on her neck is a Tiffany heart pendant that i had given her. Now who leaves their fiance and is dating a new guy and continues to wear that pendant and look at it every day. It's like a trophy they wear. There is no doubt she has a ton of shame and guilt she's living with. Thats why she's hiding behind the mask and only texting. The fact is; they almost always come back, almost always charm and they are completelly unpredictable. I'm sure if i was to ask her ex what happened again this time around what happened he would tell me her BPD reared it's ugly evil head again and he couldnt risk losing his 2 bar/restaurants not that she couldn't live a "lavish lifestyle"!  Stay strong it gets better.

[JQ]

Hey GI,

Let me do this first ... .

@Lexidad, hey brother! It's good to see you again. I sent you a personal note to see how you & your daughter were doing but the website has had a couple of issues & it might have been lost in all of it. I truly hope that she is doing well & that you two are enjoying the good life! Look at you, dropping weight & waist size! FREAKING AWESOME! And your first 1/2 marathon! This does my heart good brother to hear that you had moved on & getting back to a good place.
But I see that she's reached out to you via email as we've all come to learn it's not IF but WHEN as you have pointed out. I hope that her recent email & her attempt to reengage has NOT made a negative impact on you. YOU have worked so hard to get to this place in your life & I just don't want to see you go back down the rabbit hole Alice. Question for you, why didn't you locked down your email?  Is there some reason like business? Financial reasons?  Anything other than personal?
I just want to "keep things real" here as many of our exchanges have been brother. Why do you keep the avenue of communication open? And I don't know the whole dynamic thing between you & her mother, etc. and I would like to believe that you keep the information you share with her at a very low personal level so that she does not share it with you exBPDgf ... .but if we're being honest you know that she WILL share any and ALL information with her.  Be careful you've come so far and I want you to continue down this good path of yours. I mean really ... .YOU LOST 12 INCHES OF YOUR FREAKING WAIST!  FREAKING AWESOME BROTHER!  You know I have your six ... .stay strong! I

For GI & the Group ... .

My most recent exBPDgf is my 2nd one and to be honest like Lexidad I did see the same warning signs, heard the sirens, saw the flags flying in the wind but like Lexidad I CHOSE to ignore them. Long story short, I knew her from high school & 30 years later I finally had the chance to "be with her" & take it as far as I thought we could. I always thought she was beautiful, sexy, smart, amazing person. She is Ivy league educated, 2 Masters, works for a Fortune 300 company and makes 6 figures a year. But she has what I came to learn a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness.

One weekend we were together, we were talking. She asked me to help her with her rages, she didn't want to rage at her kids & wanted to be a better mother. I loved & cared for her so of course I would. I took what I knew of her behavior, manic, rages, etc & did the research. The next time we were together I told her that I thought she would was Bi-polar. "For the record, I thought the 1st exBPDgf was Bi-polar because her father sat me down & told me her mother spent time in the mental hospital for her rages. Doctors told him it was likely passed down to his daughter. He shared it with me because he didn't want me to go through a lifetime of what he had endured. I commend any father who has the strength to share that with a potential son in law".

I digress, so I told more recent exBPDgf that I thought she was bi-polar & together we read the symptoms & agreed that she might indeed have it. But we also saw that meds really were able to control THIS mental illness. We went to her Clinical Psychologist & told him what we found. He gave her the BPD diagnosis and then I dove into everything BPD. I was invited to more than one of her sessions & it was EYE OPENING. It wasn't the first time in 30 years she was told this I came to learn.  WOW!  How I wished it was Bi-polar. I had a steep learning curve.

So after 30 years of on again off again therapy she STILL has MAJOR behavioral issues. During one of her therapy sessions I was invited to sit in on ... .  she was talking very openly about her "other bf" & the therapist asked me what I thought about what she said. I told him that I loved her & wanted a monogamous r/s with her. He looked right at me & told me  "that's most likely never going to happen".   Nothing like a biga$$ cold black 10 pound cast iron frying pan in the face first thing in the morning to give you a wake up call.    Along with SEVERAL other behavioral issues she was no better than she was when she started 30 years earlier. And through my own counseling, therapy, reading, learning, education I learned it was never going to change. I mean after a long intimate weekend she looks right at you with a smile & says, "It's probably a good idea for you to go get checked for STD's"   as if it's like saying do you want to go get breakfast? That was the last time I saw her & when I had my epiphany.

She has & will most likely continue her lack of impulse control, multiple bf's, alcohol abuse, heavy triangulation, boundary busting, & the list goes on and on as we all are to familiar with. She is what we call "Self Aware" of her behavior & of her condition, it's why she continues to go to counseling. She's a very smart woman but she's up against a VERY serious mental behavioral illness. My wish for her is for her to get to a point for her NOT to do Suicide Idealization, any hope on my part for any type of a long term r/s is never going to happen.

I, Lexidad & others share these things with you not for your sympathy but to help educate you through our experiences as you requested. It's part of the reason the board exist to share experiences to others to know that you are not alone in your thoughts, wants, needs or desires. We try to keep it real & not sugar coat things. That wouldn't be fair to you or others and especially ourselves. We are here to show you & others that we made it to the other side of the BPD canyon & you can too.  We're here to help you & others when you ask for it and when your ready for it.

GI, I see in your questioning the hope we all had in the pwBPD getting better & living happily ever after, example, Do you think she really had a breakthrough with her therapist or it is just a temporary thing?"  "I was pondering about what you said regarding taking years for therapy for it to work." "I am swaying between NC or No NC and be with friends with her." 

I'm not saying it's NOT possible to stay friends with her after all as NONs we are the eternal optimist right? But from my personal experience and ALL those who have TRIED here in the forums it comes with a heavy ... .   HEAVY price to pay on your heart, mind & soul. As I've pointed out, as Lexidad points out, they will tell you again & again about "new bf's or old bf's" and the sorted stories that come with it.  Again, I'm not judging but can you look yourself in the mirror & tell yourself that YOU are strong enough to hear about ANY bf & the weekend they had in graphic detail?

You said, "I am the kind of guy who likes to try my best", YOU are truly a NON. The "Perfectionist, the Knight in Amor protecting at all cost those who you love." It's admirable, it truly is but you are no different than a lot of us here. I'm retired military & Lexidad is retired police officer and we have the mentality we would rather die than roll over and quit. It's part of who we are, it's a learned behavior from OUR childhood & only part of the reason you should see a good therapist who knows codependent behavior to find out why YOU are the NON you are. YOU might not like what you find, but trust me, when you do it'll all make sense of where you are right now. Once you learn why you are the NON you are it'll truly be like a light bulb going off, you'll finally have your EPIPHANY!

Question, do you want a repeat of being bedridden? The sleepless nights, the constant thinking, wondering what she's doing and who's she doing it with?  ALL OF THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER!

THIS HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU & GETTING YOU TO A BETTER PLACE!  Like Lexidad says, "We are responsible for our own happiness"   

But we, "the group" can only help so much. WE can't help those who won't help themselves right? WE can't make the hard choices YOU need to make if you truly want to get to a better place. We can only suggest or advise you to go NC ... .NOT part NC because of whatever reason.  It's kinda like telling a alcoholic , you can't drink the Scotch but you can drink the beer because it's only 3.5% ... .right? 

I would really like to be a friend to her but i have to look after myself first and foremost. AS LOVENATURE points out, "PWBPD need attachments to exist, they hate to loose them; any response to their attempts at contact shows them you are still available". My 1st exBPDgf is great friends with my BPD step mother / sister ... .I've come to learn that it's a form of attachment to me via them. As someone else said, they wanted to be friends, but it turned into an intense sexual weekend. When the weekend was over, she released her flying monkey's & he started back over being the shell of a man and had to start over again. It was a HARD lesson to learn but a valuable one for him and others who read his post.

We've all been there, we've all made the stumble on our journey like Lexidad has pointed out but as time passes, those feelings you once had for her get less & less. You get stronger and learn about yourself and realize it WAS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!

Stay strong, the group is here for you to help you ... .if you want to help yourself 

J

[GIStock]

Hi All!


Sorry for the late reply as I really took the time to sort things out for the past few weeks. I have to say that I honestly would not think that I could reach this stage a few weeks ago. And it really does take time. Time is a main factor in this.

Update: I found out last week that she is dating the guy that I confronted with during the relationship. I didn't find it necessary for her to text him every minute and hour of the day. At last, her brother told me she is dating him. She never confessed about it either, she was hiding it. She established that they had absolutely nothing and are only friends.

Funny thing is I am a professional post-graduate school doctorate degree and will be working full-time job and he is some photography technician. But he works like 3 days a week so he has all 5 days of the week to give her all the time and attention she needs. Well that is something that I can never provide for her ever.

Her friends believed her every word on how I abused her. But her whole family (who we spent most of our time with) is on my side, thinking what she did was completely due to her addiction for attention issues and etc. The family see through everything.


Some points that I came across over the past few weeks that might be helpful:

1. You are the only person who can make yourself happy. Find your hobbies again, find your old friends again. Do things to make yourself whole again.

2. She did not love me the same as I loved her. I loved her wholeheartedly. I gave her things and love and would not ask for return. She did things for me because she "needed" me. She would expect returns that are far behind my capability so that she could feel that I sacrificed for her. Once she has sucked you dry, you are purposeless.

3. She wanted an enabler instead of someone who challenges her, takes her out of her comfort zone, who wants to help her grow. She wants things her way otherwise she would burst into crying and weepy because she are not obtain the things she wants. Even if you try to talk to her normally as an adult, she would turn into a complete rage. The more calm you are, the more ragey she gets perhaps because it contrasts on her crazy she appears to be. She does not want growth, she wants validation of everything she does or feel.

4. Today post-breakup (pre-marriage), she goes to everybody to tell them how I emotionally abused her because I would not succumb to her ridiculous demands (uploading pics on my facebook). Blamed me for her own insecurity, etc. This is her smear campiaign which probably wont stop because she wants everyone around her to think that she left me for a good reason. Again "validation." And also so that she could introduce her new bf without getting criticized. This happened 5 years ago, this is going to be a vicious cycle. As I heed warnigns from the others on this forum, better now than later during marriage strapped with children.

5. This is a Lose-Lose game. If I enable her to do anything she wants, she will disrespect me and find no value and discard me. If I put up my boundary, she will rage at me so hard until I get frustrated and then say I emotionally abuse her and triangulate her with her other "guy friends". Now I just want immediate gratification for feeling this loneliness and void, it will eventually be fileld once I have found myself again. And it is beginning to fill up every day.

6. I am done trying to think what she is thinking. There really is no point, because you will never catch up with her ever changing values. Once you realize what she meant, she is already onto something entirely 180 degrees.


Overall, I am glad that I dodged this bullet. I love her. But you just have to let go of things that do not truly value you. I just need some time before I can start dating again. Finding new hobbies again. Trying to find new business ideas. I am me, and will not be have my worth validated by the illusion/mirror image of her.This is something sometimes I forget but I have to grind in into my brain.

I can eat better now, enjoying time with friends more now. Just came back from Vegas and had the blast of my life. I wish I can update more but need to head to work now. There are times which I miss her. But it is getting less and less frequent. I missed the mirror image of me that she tried to be. It was never real.

THank you all for your support and stories. It forces me to push myself in your shoes and imagine that ___ I could go through if I do marry her.

[JQ]

Hey GI,

There is never a need to apologize for taking time out for yourself & think things through ... .in fact is very much encourage among the group. You seem to have taken a good path on your journey and you should certainly be proud of the progress you have made to get to this point. It appears you have taken some good guidance from the group & are out with friends, eating better & enjoying YOUR life in Vegas!  Was bail money required? lmao   

Keep in mind ... .this is not about "your replacement", or "your exBPD", "or what her friends believe or don't believe" this journey your on is now & always has been about YOU! 

You sound like a very intelligent person, has a lot going for them, bright future and are becoming so much more educated about yourself. All of these are good things ... .be sure to enjoy life along the way, love yourself, love your life and those who have shown you who they truly are & you can call them friends. I've found that this circle of friends is small but they are true without the daily drama, issues, needs, wants that come with the others. What do they say, less people in your life, less drama & less B.S.

Come back here from time to time to let us know how your doing. Come back as often as you want to ... .bounce ideas off of the group. If you stumble along your path ... .the group will be right behind you waiting to pick you up.

Be well

J