Birthday--time to check in with myself.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's my birthday today--second one since he ghosted. Last year, I about 50% expected to hear from him. Now I about 1% expect it. Maybe .5%. I didn't contact him on his last birthday, after all.

I think this is progress. I do feel more detached. I still think about him every day, but there's less emotion attached to the thoughts.

I talk about him in therapy, but usually in the context of other painful relationships.

My new T (been seeing her for a few months) is much more vocal in her opinions about him than the person I saw for the first year and a half after the break. She doesn't hesitate to point out how selfish he was, and how needy, and how he treated me like an object. I am fine with that, but also fine with the fact that my previous T didn't weigh in on him much. She kept redirecting the focus on me, which I needed, because I was really in crisis. But I've really improved in my ability to stick with my own feelings, which leaves more room for talking about him without going into hyper-empathy mode.

I deal with a lot of uncertainty--not just about that relationship, but about myself as an authority on my life. I don't trust myself to believe I'm not making stuff up, even when it's confirmed many times over. Does that make sense? When my T talks about him as a selfish, objectifying, needy, probably personality disordered person, it makes me think, "Maybe I thumbed the scale. Did I tell her all the good, decent, unselfish things, too?" This is true not just of my ex but of everything. I don't trust myself as a witness to my own life. My T says I strike her as a very reliable witness.

This is all complicated by the fact that I deleted his emails, so I don't have a record of a lot of what happened.

I'm rambling a bit. The point is, this I don't expect to hear from him, and I'm not really all that disappointed. I'm still sorting stuff out, still horrified by a lot of what happened, but I'm not hoping for a happy birthday from him.

[steelwork]

It's my birthday today--second one since he ghosted. Last year, I about 50% expected to hear from him. Now I about 1% expect it. Maybe .5%. I didn't contact him on his last birthday, after all.

I think this is progress. I do feel more detached. I still think about him every day, but there's less emotion attached to the thoughts.

I talk about him in therapy, but usually in the context of other painful relationships.

My new T (been seeing her for a few months) is much more vocal in her opinions about him than the person I saw for the first year and a half after the break. She doesn't hesitate to point out how selfish he was, and how needy, and how he treated me like an object. I am fine with that, but also fine with the fact that my previous T didn't weigh in on him much. She kept redirecting the focus on me, which I needed, because I was really in crisis. But I've really improved in my ability to stick with my own feelings, which leaves more room for talking about him without going into hyper-empathy mode.

I deal with a lot of uncertainty--not just about that relationship, but about myself as an authority on my life. I don't trust myself to believe I'm not making stuff up, even when it's confirmed many times over. Does that make sense? When my T talks about him as a selfish, objectifying, needy, probably personality disordered person, it makes me think, "Maybe I thumbed the scale. Did I tell her all the good, decent, unselfish things, too?" This is true not just of my ex but of everything. I don't trust myself as a witness to my own life. My T says I strike her as a very reliable witness.

This is all complicated by the fact that I deleted his emails, so I don't have a record of a lot of what happened.

I'm rambling a bit. The point is, this I don't expect to hear from him, and I'm not really all that disappointed. I'm still sorting stuff out, still horrified by a lot of what happened, but I'm not hoping for a happy birthday from him.

[Imnotalone]

Ugh I feel this.


My birthday is coming up as well though this will be my first birthday post break up. (she promised me that she would make it the best birthday I've ever had.)
Sike

I am happy to hear you are doing well in regards to as self awareness I too often question if I have accurately depicted what happened in the relationship. Considering I have deleted everything though I personally have been reassured by all my friends and my family... Which has been a great deal of help.


I believe the uncertainty and question is what makes us, well us. The survivor, the one who is truly whole.  At least that's my persepective... now I'm rambling

[Rayban]

Birthdays, holidays, first date anniversary etc. Are difficult periods to deal with. It's very easy to become nostalgic and remember only the good.  In my case the bad easily out weighs the good, but it's still all I could think about on these occasions. I still catch myself thinking what if on certain days. I just learn to bring things back in to focus. 

My ex brings nothing good into my life.  In fact she brings me nothing but pain. She crippled my self esteem, made me doubt myself and my abilities.  The only good thing about having her in my life, is that she pushed me to address baggage that I've been carrying with me all my life and that I avoided opening.

[fromheeltoheal]

Happy Birthday steelwork!

An interesting thing about birthday wishes, we wish someone a happy birthday either because we feel an obligation to but aren't really feeling it especially, like to an acquaintance or a coworker, or we genuinely want someone to be happy on their birthday.  Did you ex genuinely want you to be happy on your birthday?

[steelwork]

Did you ex genuinely want you to be happy on your birthday?

Yeah, he did. He wanted me to be happy. I truly believe none of the terrible things he did were out of malice.

[fromheeltoheal]

Did you ex genuinely want you to be happy on your birthday?

Yeah, he did. He wanted me to be happy. I truly believe none of the terrible things he did were out of malice.

Yes, my ex wasn't malicious either, just responding to strong emotions she could only handle in spurts.  The other piece though was her inability to relate to someone else's happiness, it just didn't register for her, except in how it related to her.  Doesn't sound like that was the case with your ex.

[Larmoyant]

I deal with a lot of uncertainty--not just about that relationship, but about myself as an authority on my life. I don't trust myself to believe I'm not making stuff up, even when it's confirmed many times over. Does that make sense? When my T talks about him as a selfish, objectifying, needy, probably personality disordered person, it makes me think, "Maybe I thumbed the scale. Did I tell her all the good, decent, unselfish things, too?" This is true not just of my ex but of everything. I don't trust myself as a witness to my own life. My T says I strike her as a very reliable witness.

Happy Birthday!

This makes complete sense. I’m not sure if it is a necessary part of recovery which allows us to balance our feelings about them, the good and the bad, or is tied in with ‘abuse amnesia’ but I’ve experienced the doubt and uncertainty too. It starts to happen when I start to feel more detached from him.The key for me is to read over my old journals. You mention deleting his emails, but maybe you have journals or posts here you could reread? I have to do this sometimes or else it's a slippery slope and frightens me in case I ever consider going back.