Attempts at Recycle

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I've come to realize the similarities between three women I have dated in the last 5-6 years.  ALL of them were on medication for some type of PD.  TWO of them had substance abuse problems and ONE of them was prone to binge drinking.  They had ALL been taken advantage of by men in their past.  ALL three claimed to have been physically abused and ONE claimed to have been raped.  ALL had significantly damaged their lives in some way: abortion, behavior leading to being barred from a career path, and arrests for DUI.  ALL had serious problems with one or both of their parents, though ALL of them seemed to idealize their daddy. 

ALL of them have recycled or tried to recycle me multiple times.  In reading some posts on here recently I have to ask, "What is the common thread?"  They were all very different people, though two of them shared the same profession.  One of them was a very successful professional, though she seemed to have had the most legal trouble of the three.  ALL of them had me very drawn in and ALL of them ended our relationships via text.  When I ask about the common thread, I'm not as interested in the motivation for their behavior, but rather my own.  Why was I soo into them?  How do I avoid this personality type in the future?   

[Mutt]

Hi SheAskedForaBreak,

How do I avoid this personality type in the future?

I can relate with your post. After my ex wife ran me over I could see a connection with BPD traits with other women that I was in r/s's with in the past, but in my case they were traits, some of them were different with diffferent severities but by far my ex the worst.

That being said, my ex wife was a wake-up call and I didn't want to go through that experience again. The commonality was BPD traits and there was me in that mix as well, a theme that I carried over from r/s to r/s was that I didn't have boundaries. Did you set boundaries or defend your boundaries?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Boundaries are something I struggle with.  I steer well clear of those that are set by others, but my own are way too pliable.  I'm working on that with my T, but I don't think that is the only issue I have.  Why do I have such a hard time letting go when my partner offers me no closure?  That just baffles me!

[SheAskedForaBreak]

While meeting with my therapist yesterday I discussed this realization.  She asked me to consider why I find the stress, challenge, and torment more appealing than I do when I date a woman who has not had these kinds of challenges in here life.  What is it about my past that has made me seek out these folks.  I realize I was overlooked and dismissed growing up, that makes me want to give someone like this a chance.  In the last ten years I had two jobs with a non-profit where I had two very abusive and dismissive bosses.  Nothing was ever good enough, yet I did not leave either job until I had a better opportunity.  I took it upon myself to continually try to make a person who is never satisfied happy with my work.  That's a losing proposition.  Finally when we looked at my family, very little about me was celebrated.  This makes me vulnerable in two ways.  I'm easy prey for someone who will love bomb me and I'll keep trying very hard for someone who doesn't show me appreciation. 

I still miss my ex, that part won't go away anytime soon.  I am glad I can put it in better perspective, she had no right to treat me the way she did and has no right or reason to speak poorly of me now. 

[Mutt]

SheAskedForaBreak,

In the last ten years I had two jobs with a non-profit where I had two very abusive and dismissive bosses.  Nothing was ever good enough, yet I did not leave either job until I had a better opportunity.

I just want to add that it's not just the bosses, it could be a toxic workplace and if you decide to leave a toxic workplace for a better workplace you may just find yourself in another toxic workplace. You're not the only one.

 I am glad I can put it in better perspective, she had no right to treat me the way she did and has no right or reason to speak poorly of me now.  

I like your new perspective. It's hard to control what someone else is going to do, probably about 80% of things in life is how we react and the other 20% is things that happen to us. She may speak poorly of you but it doesn't diminish your self worth.