Considering breaking No Contact?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Typical story here: idealized by my ex-BPDgf, fantasy honeymoon "elation-ship", then the distancing and devaluing, the hater appeared, disappeared, painted me black, tried to get me fired, even false allegations, then silent phone calls/hang ups in the aftermath. Set a boundary with her about the calls. They stopped. Now she says she's willing to be friends. I don't buy that, but I would like to hear why? Why she tried to get me fired, when I did everything I could to see that she survived the break up? Two years after I was dropped on my head, she seems almost rational. I won't allow recycling, but I do desire to hear some reason from her. Insane, I suppose. Looking to be talked out of breaking NC, haha.

[cj488]

Typical story here: idealized by my ex-BPDgf, fantasy honeymoon "elation-ship", then the distancing and devaluing, the hater appeared, disappeared, painted me black, tried to get me fired, even false allegations, then silent phone calls/hang ups in the aftermath. Set a boundary with her about the calls. They stopped. Now she says she's willing to be friends. I don't buy that, but I would like to hear why? Why she tried to get me fired, when I did everything I could to see that she survived the break up? Two years after I was dropped on my head, she seems almost rational. I won't allow recycling, but I do desire to hear some reason from her. Insane, I suppose. Looking to be talked out of breaking NC, haha.

[petedrexler]

Hey cj488!

I can't talk you out of it, but I will say when I broke NC last time it sent my spiraling downward. It's always a trick. This relationship devastated my sense of myself and how to be in relationships and I'm working hard to improve my own issues (that this relationship highlighted). Every time NC is broken, I have to start over. I have her blocked on everything possible, and I hope I never hear from her again.

I think of my exBPDgf as an addiction, and like a drink or a drug, I have to maintain abstinence to recover. Any contact at all risks a recycle.

Good luck! This is all so difficult. 

Pete

[cj488]

Thank you, Pete. Sound advice.

I suppose I'm still looking for some kind of rational closure, even two years later. A recycle is unlikely, as we live nearly 10,000km apart, but she certainly captured me the first time, so I suppose there's a distant risk. She still doesn't admit any fault at all, cannot recognize her disorder, and still wants to only blame me, so yes I suppose it would just ultimately be a downer or worse to have any contact with her at all. Such a mysterious disorder. Destroys her life and everyone she seduces. Very, very sad.

[Sadly]

Please, just try not to. Have been sucked back in so many times and crushed over and over again. You might be interested to know the reason why she did these things to you, but you wouldn't get the truth back anyway. It's like that joke " why does a dog lick his b*lls?" Because he can. Oops, Sorry folks, not in a good place today. Anyway cj, try to let your curiosity diminish and stay on your path. Luck to you.
Sadly x

[Rayban]

You won't get a rational response from her. I read what she did to you, and the fact that she hasn't gotten treatment, contact with her will envlove more blaming and gaslighting and you'll feel worse off, with another dent in your self esteem.  The simple fact that she caused all that harm is reason enough to just stay away.

[Mutt]

Hi cj488,

She still doesn't admit any fault at all, cannot recognize her disorder, and still wants to only blame me, so yes I suppose it would just ultimately be a downer or worse to have any contact with her at all.

I think that it's hard when we're left with a lot of questions and no reasonable explanations and we have to sift through the questions and answer them as best as we can and some of them we can't answer and eventually we accept that for what it is.

If you approach her head-on you'll probably get projection, dissociation, blame-shifting and we would have to ask ourselves how productive that would be because we'll probably feel frustrated, angry and more confused than when we started. Your ex has low self esteem and feels low self worth and if you question her and she self reflect's it will trigger shame. Some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder, shame is different than guilt. Guilt is feeling like we did something wrong. Shame is feeling like there's there is something with us.

Shame, a Powerful, Painful and Potentially Dangerous Emotion

I think that it's natural to want answers. Your brain is like a computer, it will search and retrieve an answer and keep searching until you find something that makes sense to you and feels reassuring. Everyone is different and heals in a way that suits them and I'm not saying that you should use the technique that I used but maybe it will help you or others. It was confusing thinking about all of the different things that my ex said because she changed what she said often to match how she felt at that time. So, I looked at the things she did and not at the things that said and that settle a lot things for me and there were things that were not settle but eventually i accepted for what it was.

I don't buy that, but I would like to hear why? Why she tried to get me fired, when I did everything I could to see that she survived the break up?

This may be a good place to start. Are you looking for validation from your ex that you tried to save the r/s? Has she validated you in the past?

[Infern0]

Your reason for breaking NC is pointless, I 100% guarantee you won't get any reason out of her

[cj488]

Thanks everyone for your replies and support. Even after two years and no rational response from her, ever, I still wish for some kind of closure. I've studied the disorder over and over, and feel like I have a grasp on the concepts of her Bpd, my co-dependence, etc, but there's still this nagging feeling of something unfinished. Went through it some 15 years ago with another Bpd - same result. No explanation, no rationale, could never apologize, only seduce or destroy, or disappear, or all three. Very sad for everyone involved. Wish I'd never entered that relationship - couldn't see it coming. Haven't resolved my hook yet, I suppose. Much to learn. Good board, blessings all. cj