Hard time not getting triggered

[nodoover]

I was raised in a angry household and so all my life have been drawn unconsciously to people with anger issues, why this marriage, we have been together 17 yrs. No kids together its not our first marriage.

This summer was tough DH issues built to a head and he went into major depression along with his usual symptoms of ranting, etc.  He was trying to start a new job, got real sick with Bronchitis and had to miss a bunch of work first 3 weeks and he was so upset he went spiraling down.  (It's been months later, he got so low he actually went for counseling, but still out of work and maybe for good, I think job didn't let him go because they didn't want to for medical reasons, he has doctors note)

His daughter he thought for decades he needed to have a big discussion with and she had set boundaries no because of how he is, let him talk to her because of his breakdown.  I hoped it would help but knew he had a lot more issues.

He has been slowly coming out of major depression but still has low level depression which gets worse on counseling day.  I am thinking because he is dealing with heavy stuff.

Yesterday he came home and went right to bed for rest of day, does that a lot.  I try sometimes to distract him but walk the fine line of helping/being co dependent. 

Then last night he starts talking about how the counselor cut him off to end session and he didn't get to say what he wanted. He can go on and on with his stories for hours, so it must be tough for counselor to end each session.  I could tell as he told me about her he was very angry at that. I was listening to what he said then asked if he talked to her about his anger over his ex which he was talking about, he said yes, then immediately went into a old issue between us and in seconds it was ramped up to if things aren't fixed he is going to explode. 

I get very triggered by the subject he brought up, sex.  I refuse to discuss it while emotions are running high.  I was sitting there thinking how do I leave when saved by phone ringing and I got in shower and when I came out he was in better mood not bringing up at all and ok not to talk.

My problem is when triggering things happen any time later than 5pm, this happened around 9 I can't sleep the thoughts are churning in me.  I try to tell myself he doesn't mean most of what he says and by tomorrow he will say something different but I find it getting harder and harder to forget the words.

I am physically and mentally drained from the summer.  Watching him in bed for months, talking about wanting to die, etc is so draining.  I read books on depression, they told me to continue my life, but how can I go to have fun with friends while he is at home so sad and upset?

I have been forcing myself for years to do just that but most of the time I don't feel happy at all, like I am pretending at life, waiting until DH gets better.  I know it may never happen but I find myself feeling like I am in a waiting period like a airplane at take off.

How can I not get triggered by his stuff?  How can I not let his words penetrate me? Leaving the room the words still follow in my thoughts.  I can read, watch tv, etc but my mind spins with thoughts wondering if he means what he says or not.

And I feel like I am losing my patience because of how draining the summer was.  He wants to get a new puppy and I told him we need to wait till spring and we are both rested from the summer.  I find it hard to talk to him, to choose my words. Is it okay to talk about his problems? Sometimes if I barely mention a issue he goes on and on about how terrible he is and why am I even with him.

I am starting to look at and treat him like a child because of the way his temper tantrums are. My respect for him is pretty much gone. Can I get it back? 

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[Meili]

Taking care of someone who is depressed and has other issues is something with which I'm intimately familiar. I can attest to how draining, mentally and physically, it is.

Have you read the article on Surviving confrontation and disrespect? Some of the information in there might be of use to you.

Also, and please forgive me if this has been covered, but are you seeing a therapist for how all of this has effected you?

[nodoover]

I am in counseling since last December have been off and on for last 10 yrs only thing that keeps me sane and gives me advice on my responsibility in this.

[BowlOfPetunias]

What part of sex does he want to talk about?  Not enough?  Too much?  Criticizing your body and/or performance?  Seeking to open up the marriage, perhaps through coercion?

[nodoover]

Not enough sex, his anger repels me and its hard to want to cuddle after he says things.  He blows it off right away but for me it takes longer.

I have tried without making him feel bad to explain but he just gets angry which then keeps the cycle going.

Last time we tried it was him who turned me down.  He changes his mind all the time.

Then he gets upset if we don't have hot sex and I feel like there are expectations.

Then it gets awkward and communication around it is hard so I definitely can't talk to him about it when he was already mad at his counselor for moving on to next patient and cutting off his time.