Urgent: How to engage a pwBPD in a letter?

[MdW]

I am in the process of returning my ex- girlfriend with BPD's items she left in her cupboard in my apartment following our break-up two months ago. I've been struggling to accept that after 6 months the relationship wasn't real but an idealisation cycle. She has not responded to any of my messages and not been in touch at all for more than a month. She blocked me from all contact. In her last message to me she said she could not trust me and wanted a clean break.

I have drafted the following which I want to send to her with her box of items. I want her to know that I know what happened but that I still care about her. Any advice much appreciated:

Dear Xxx

I think this is everything. Do let me know if you are missing something else.

Following our time apart I have come to the realisation that we went through idealisation cycles, perhaps on both our parts, I know we did not mean for it to happen. We thought this love would be different, specially in the beginning when it was so intense. I finally understand you.

The very things I was seeking in our relationship (intimacy, closeness, family) these are the same things that aggravated you each time.

The intensity rollercoaster is what made it hard some days. I keep having to tell myself that none of it was real. I was just experiencing the effect of unhealthy highs and lows.

Despite all this you are still very special to me and I do want you in my life.

I have enclosed a ticket to xxxx concert which I got for us ages ago. If you want you can come with me. I'll wait for you at the Vineyard bar until 7pm. If not, give it away at work. I don't want to go with anyone else so I'll leave it up to you. We can watch it in silence and don't have to say a word to each other. If you are concerned that seeing me will trigger your disordered feelings I completely understand.

I'm very well and happy. I hope you are well and happy too.

It would be nice to see you again some day.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

The first question that I have is what is your motivation for sending that?

Sending a letter like that will likely result in bad feelings from her. It looks like you're basically blaming her for everything that happened and you're telling her that she is not good enough. So, if your hope is any chance at reconciliation, I'd strongly advise against sending that.

[MdW]

I want to achieve two things:

She's blamed me for all her feelings to date. She has taken no responsibility whatsoever for anything that happened and it took me two months to arrive at this answer researching BPD - I want her to know the truth. She is not aware that this is the truth. Will this give her some answers and make her realise she has serious issues to work on? I hope to achieve that but I don't know if it will.

Hopefully she will realise she has issues and agree to engage with me about what happened. We have not spoken about anything. She just disappeared without a trace.

Perhaps this is not the way to engage with her - I have no clue what works and what does not work with pwBPD? She can't go through life repeating these cycles and hurting more people in the process. I want to convince her she needs help but I need to hook her and get her to the table first - how to I engage with her?

[LuckyTown]

My ex didn't seem to understand even the most romantic words when they were written down.
I guess they read to find signs of you wanting to abandon them or something.
I wouldn't send anything in writing. Better to say what you have to say face to face.

I'm no expert, though. It's only been months since I started educating myself about BPD.



 

[MdW]

I can't get her face to face unless I turn up at her doorstep which will be creepy - she won't like that and she will make sure I know she doesn't like it.

[LuckyTown]

I understand you can't just turn up at her doorstep. I just don't think she'll "get" the words in the letter.
However, BPD people are all individuals too so there's always a chance.
Maybe you could just leave out the deep thoughts and go with:
"I have enclosed a ticket to xxxx concert which I got for us ages ago. If you want you can come with me I'll wait for you at the Vineyard bar until 7pm. If not, give it away at work. I don't want to go with anyone else so I'll leave it up to you. I'm very well and happy. I hope you are well and happy too. It would be nice to see you again some day."

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck!

[Meili]

I want her to know the truth. She is not aware that this is the truth. Will this give her some answers and make her realise she has serious issues to work on? I hope to achieve that but I don't know if it will.

If you read around on these boards, you'll find that it won't achieve your desired goal.

Hopefully she will realise she has issues and agree to engage with me about what happened.

As you said, she's blaming you for everything. There isn't any reasonable expectation that your letter will cause her to have a   moment and come around to your way of thinking. To the contrary, it will probably just upset her more.

She can't go through life repeating these cycles and hurting more people in the process. I want to convince her she needs help but I need to hook her and get her to the table first - how to I engage with her?

Why can't she go through life like that? It's worked so far for her. Your telling her that she can't do it will only cause her to walk away and find someone else who will allow her to do it for a while and then move on to the next person.

If I were you, I'd let go of the idea that you're going to convince her that she needs help. Now, if you can establish a loving and caring relationship, over time you might be able to gently guide her into getting help, but that's a long-term goal, not a first letter one.