What else went along with your ex's distancing phase?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Just curious here.

I'll admit, I have been thinking about her for the past few hours and I was remembering what else happened during the time that I felt her distancing herself from me.

In my experience, at the time of her starting to distance herself from me, she was about to quit her steady job of three years & she wanted to dye her hair an atypical color.

I also remember that around that time she started being hot/cold with the guy she was talking to before me (he is in her circle of friends and has been with a different girl romantically for several months before I met my girl)

Like she would say things like "why would he want to be in a picture with me, doesn't he know I hate him?" And then a week later she goes out of her way to give him a high five in a happy, friendly way.


Thats all, just wanted to know if there were other life events (like quitting there job) that accompanied you're BPDex's distancing.

Maybe their cycles involve more that just there romantic interests.

[Jeff26]

Just curious here.

I'll admit, I have been thinking about her for the past few hours and I was remembering what else happened during the time that I felt her distancing herself from me.

In my experience, at the time of her starting to distance herself from me, she was about to quit her steady job of three years & she wanted to dye her hair an atypical color.

I also remember that around that time she started being hot/cold with the guy she was talking to before me (he is in her circle of friends and has been with a different girl romantically for several months before I met my girl)

Like she would say things like "why would he want to be in a picture with me, doesn't he know I hate him?" And then a week later she goes out of her way to give him a high five in a happy, friendly way.


Thats all, just wanted to know if there were other life events (like quitting there job) that accompanied you're BPDex's distancing.

Maybe their cycles involve more that just there romantic interests.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Jeff26, my ex would denigrate someone too then suddenly be ‘best friends’ with them. Just like they did to us, devaluing then idealising us. He did it to his kids too. There were lots of distancing behaviours as well. My ex shaved off his beard (that I liked), dyed his hair (which I didn't), told me that he wanted to start running again so women would look at him like they used to. He would suddenly decide to lock his front door so when I went around there I had to knock, and one time, even though he was expecting me, he left me outside and I had to call him to tell him I was outside. He said he hadn’t heard me. Remembering that makes me wish I’d turned around and gone back home. Also, sometimes he wouldn’t look at me much, would focus on his phone, talk to anyone, but me. Basically, shut me out. His withdrawal felt very rejecting, very painful, as if I wasn’t there. I can see now how it triggered my own issues causing a lot of hurt and me trying desperately to get him back to wanting me again. I found this part the worst really, his withdrawal, worse then the raging.

[Infern0]

During the first distancing which lead into the first split:

Fell out with her flatmates who she previously idealized and split them black

Moved out

Became a devout Christian for 2 days

Started dating a guy she had always called a loser.

It was full on weird and random

[elfyguy]

The distancing phase which lead to the end:

She started become emotionally cold and distant - tough to tell with pwBPD, but it was constant.
She started doing lots of exercise, which barely happened in the past.
She started comparing me to other people, which never happened before.
She started criticizing me, which never happened before.
Saw her hiding conversation with people and always having locks on her devices, which never happened before.

Weird stuff:

She wanted to be single but wanted me to stay.
Started blaming me for everything in an attempt to make herself feel better. What's worse, I went along with it.
She said that we should be f-buddies once we're apart, even in other relationships.
She wanted to know how many women I'd sleep with if she ever asked. I agreed. Then I asked her the same question, but for men. She asked me if I really wanted to know? I denied.
Her sex drive went off the chart.
Insisted, time and time again, it was "time apart" not a break-up.

In all honesty, she seemed to become a much more stable person. I was the one who was in a wreck. In hindsight though, it's because she was probably already dating someone new and didn't need to unload all her problems on me anymore.

[Pretty Woman]

She started to get very snippy. In the past, she would feign illness such as migraine or back pain.

We had gotten a puppy in August and then in April I threw her a surprise birthday at a friend's home downtown. We had people coming in (from out of state) for this party and a few days before she tells me she might not be able to go because she didn't want to board the dog.

I spent so much money on this party and this was happening? I was upset to say the least.

So we argued and I finally convinced her to go... .earlier that day she bought a new car.

I spent a few grand on this party and invited all her friends (exes). The irony is I think that is what did me in... .all her exes in one room talking to each other... .comparing stories (oops, ). A week later I was dumped for a girl in a meetup group I run (I removed them both after this). I have not seen nor spoken to her in close to a year and a half. I did pass her once on the road... .she traded in the new car for a car the color of her new GF. As far as I know she is still mirroring my replacement. A few weeks ago I found out she sat hospice for a dying friend (of her girlfriend's). It truly amazes me. When my father was in the hospital for surgery I was dumped. It's like she's a totally different person. AND she lives with this woman. We dated three years but had over 13 breakups. How is this possible? It's mind boggling.

[eprogeny]

Wow. Threads like this just keep helping to open my eyes.  

My BPDexgf's distancing was, in a word, excruciating.

She would be less available to spend time, less willing to talk about anything except mundane things, and would be incommunicative for days, then weeks, at a time.  She would get defensive or upset by my objections to the sudden shift - would avoid all attempts to "talk it out" like we would normally have done - and then used the negativity she felt from it all as her ammunition to distance herself even more.

Then, when she realized I wasn't trying anymore, she'd bounce back to life - usually with some random material request that she should have known was inappropriate given the state of the relationship.  Heck, we're barely in contact right now and she somehow thinks it's appropriate to ask me to pay for her therapy!  

All the while this was going on she drastically changed her appearance, started talking about cutting her hair super short and getting facial piercings, got a visible large tattoo, and shifted into a persona so foreign to me I can barely recognize the person she was before her BPD manifested.  I now know she's just radically mirroring the replacement, but at the time I had no idea, and it was super confusing.

It also explains her recent interest in making a psychiatric appointment and asking for therapy.  Those are things the replacement is apparently just now doing for herself, as well.  Seems obvious when I think about it now.

I really appreciate this thread.  It's relieving me of a lot of lingering doubts.  

My BPDexgf is more ill than I ever thought.  I'm actually a bit creeped out right now.

[Confused108]

Mine had long hair. I noticed before she came on to me full force she cut it to her chin. Well before she finally discarded me it went from I still love you. To myself and you aren't certain. Then I was her friend ... .maybe more! Then I was just a friend all the way to the discard! She kept changing all the time! It was like being on a merry go round! From the beginning she wanted me back and claimed she never stopped loving me. Then she would just change the status of our relationship! It was friggen nuts!  She never even spoke to me about us not being 100% certain as a couple! It was when she felt like changing the rules to suit her.