My undiagnosed partner vanished out of the blue

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I feel I need to get this off my chest before I have a mental breakdown.

Two weeks ago, my partner of nearly 6 years left. We were texting as he was at work, -which we always did. Around his finishing time he stopped replying to me, which wasn't at first a big thing as he often did a lot of overtime. By the time it had been 9 hours I got very concerned, contacted his work who informed me that he had indeed left at the correct finishing time.
My mind went through loads of situations, I phoned hospitals and police but no one had heard from him. His phone kept redirecting to voicemail, Facebook messages would stay unread. I was going mental with fear.
I reported him missing, and after two days police managed to locate him. He happily told them he was very happy at the place he now was and wasn't interested in ever talking to me again. And that was the end of it.
I was shattered, - still am. I cannot sleep, eat, think clearly. How could he walk out, leave everything? All his belongings, me, the dog. All was left as if none of it mean anything. All he took was the car, which I worked very hard for believing he deserved it after biking for 2 years, 23 miles a day!
From the very moment we met I believed what we had was true love, we were inseparable. Our lives were devoted to one another. That all being said, I now have had time to think it all through and managed to see the cracks.

Had had a very horrible childhood, a mother who was neglectful and had little to no emotion towards him (he's an only child). She had left his father when he was only a baby, despite telling him his whole life his father didn't want him nor her. She had mentioned many of times he should go into fostering, to find a family she wasn't able to give him. He had at 16 started an emotionally abusive relationship to get away from his mum, but when this ended he crawled back to her, as to seek comfort.
Since the age of 9 he had been prone to selfharming going as far he broke glasses purposely just to hurt! He refused to go to school, had a hard time maintaining relationships with friends and family.

When I met him, I was 18 he was 17, we met online because back then I still lived in my home country. I was still in a relationship which was on it's end, but he persuaded me to end it by telling me after only a few days he had fallen in love with me, how he couldn't cope I was with another man, he was going to take his own life, you get the picture. Naive me, 18 I believed he truly did love me. I never once thought wrongly by it, because myself I had an emotionally detached past and feeling loved was a desire. He would tell me about his ex girlfriend and how she treated him badly, he victimized himself in many ways. I just never saw the alarm bells. Fast forward, we meet and I really thought I had met my match. He came to live with me and my parents and after a while due to unforeseen circumstances me, him, my parents and younger brother made the move to his country.

All needed settling in... Financial instability arose. Life was tough but together we came out on top. - Or so I thought. I felt very low because of thing I rather not discuss right now, but he felt I had emotionally distant myself, meaning physically. In respect his accusation wasn't entirely wrong, I felt a wreck but I again believed together we could conquer it all. We solved our problems and then we fast forward to begin this year.

He was quite tired most days, 23 miles biking a day would do that to you. We didn't have much spare money due minimum wages so our nights would consist of nice food and movies, which turned out to not be good enough for him.

In february he had a mental breakdown, he told me he was going to a party of someone who he worked with that was leaving, and me being me got slightly annoyed saying I felt this was unfair as he couldn't even keep his eyes open to watch a 90min movie with me, yet he would manage to bike an extra 10 miles around. That's when it all started. The abuse lasted for 6 weeks. He made me feel so low I felt the most horrible person on this planet. He told me he never loved me, then it changed to he stopped loving me, he said I had used him for a better life, mind I never once stopped working when he never had a consistent job in the first 3 years. He said he fancied someone of work, then said he never meant it. 6 weeks long he stood there saying to my face on repeat I do not love you. I couldn't focus on anything, just how I wanted the pain to end.
March 22nd he received his new car, suddenly all was fine again... He openly admitted he only wanted to emotionally destroy me the way I had him. I couldn't believe that but I loved him so much I tried move past it, with little success as his words kept haunting me.

Eventually July 25th he applied for the army, I was very apprehensive as I didn't dream of a life where we see each other only once in a while. This set him off again, but he eventually settled for reserve army...
23rd of August he had the initial army interview, he didn't say much about it, just seemed lost in thought. I'd ask what was wrong, but he'd shake it off as being tired. Next day he started making mix CDs with songs about heartbreak, something he never did before. I asked whether those were a hint, which he denied.

9th september, he's gone. After the police being involved he deleted his facebook account, ironically so did his mother and grandmother, so not much question as to where he is. Which strikes me as he had no contact with them for 5 years during the time we were together.
He froze our joint bank account as well. It's like he's still here but he isn't, and I don't know how to move on.

I addressed him several times about his mental state of mind. He would get very passively aggressive and point out all my flaws, which I agree it's never black and white, you're both equally responsible. But how can I help him when he's blocked me out of his life?

This is only a short summary of what has happened, many more things happened but my assuming on him being BPD are;

Self harm
Egotistic
Weightloss
Emotionally detached or overly attached
Mood swings
Always tired
Stomach pains
Impulsive behavior
Aggression
Feeling sorry for himself
Not having friends neither being able to keep them
Distancing himself from family
Feeling worthless and thinking he did nothing wrong, it always someone else
Lying and deceiving
Suicide threats

Would be nice to read other people's perspective on this

[xDash]

I feel I need to get this off my chest before I have a mental breakdown.

Two weeks ago, my partner of nearly 6 years left. We were texting as he was at work, -which we always did. Around his finishing time he stopped replying to me, which wasn't at first a big thing as he often did a lot of overtime. By the time it had been 9 hours I got very concerned, contacted his work who informed me that he had indeed left at the correct finishing time.
My mind went through loads of situations, I phoned hospitals and police but no one had heard from him. His phone kept redirecting to voicemail, Facebook messages would stay unread. I was going mental with fear.
I reported him missing, and after two days police managed to locate him. He happily told them he was very happy at the place he now was and wasn't interested in ever talking to me again. And that was the end of it.
I was shattered, - still am. I cannot sleep, eat, think clearly. How could he walk out, leave everything? All his belongings, me, the dog. All was left as if none of it mean anything. All he took was the car, which I worked very hard for believing he deserved it after biking for 2 years, 23 miles a day!
From the very moment we met I believed what we had was true love, we were inseparable. Our lives were devoted to one another. That all being said, I now have had time to think it all through and managed to see the cracks.

Had had a very horrible childhood, a mother who was neglectful and had little to no emotion towards him (he's an only child). She had left his father when he was only a baby, despite telling him his whole life his father didn't want him nor her. She had mentioned many of times he should go into fostering, to find a family she wasn't able to give him. He had at 16 started an emotionally abusive relationship to get away from his mum, but when this ended he crawled back to her, as to seek comfort.
Since the age of 9 he had been prone to selfharming going as far he broke glasses purposely just to hurt! He refused to go to school, had a hard time maintaining relationships with friends and family.

When I met him, I was 18 he was 17, we met online because back then I still lived in my home country. I was still in a relationship which was on it's end, but he persuaded me to end it by telling me after only a few days he had fallen in love with me, how he couldn't cope I was with another man, he was going to take his own life, you get the picture. Naive me, 18 I believed he truly did love me. I never once thought wrongly by it, because myself I had an emotionally detached past and feeling loved was a desire. He would tell me about his ex girlfriend and how she treated him badly, he victimized himself in many ways. I just never saw the alarm bells. Fast forward, we meet and I really thought I had met my match. He came to live with me and my parents and after a while due to unforeseen circumstances me, him, my parents and younger brother made the move to his country.

All needed settling in... Financial instability arose. Life was tough but together we came out on top. - Or so I thought. I felt very low because of thing I rather not discuss right now, but he felt I had emotionally distant myself, meaning physically. In respect his accusation wasn't entirely wrong, I felt a wreck but I again believed together we could conquer it all. We solved our problems and then we fast forward to begin this year.

He was quite tired most days, 23 miles biking a day would do that to you. We didn't have much spare money due minimum wages so our nights would consist of nice food and movies, which turned out to not be good enough for him.

In february he had a mental breakdown, he told me he was going to a party of someone who he worked with that was leaving, and me being me got slightly annoyed saying I felt this was unfair as he couldn't even keep his eyes open to watch a 90min movie with me, yet he would manage to bike an extra 10 miles around. That's when it all started. The abuse lasted for 6 weeks. He made me feel so low I felt the most horrible person on this planet. He told me he never loved me, then it changed to he stopped loving me, he said I had used him for a better life, mind I never once stopped working when he never had a consistent job in the first 3 years. He said he fancied someone of work, then said he never meant it. 6 weeks long he stood there saying to my face on repeat I do not love you. I couldn't focus on anything, just how I wanted the pain to end.
March 22nd he received his new car, suddenly all was fine again... He openly admitted he only wanted to emotionally destroy me the way I had him. I couldn't believe that but I loved him so much I tried move past it, with little success as his words kept haunting me.

Eventually July 25th he applied for the army, I was very apprehensive as I didn't dream of a life where we see each other only once in a while. This set him off again, but he eventually settled for reserve army...
23rd of August he had the initial army interview, he didn't say much about it, just seemed lost in thought. I'd ask what was wrong, but he'd shake it off as being tired. Next day he started making mix CDs with songs about heartbreak, something he never did before. I asked whether those were a hint, which he denied.

9th september, he's gone. After the police being involved he deleted his facebook account, ironically so did his mother and grandmother, so not much question as to where he is. Which strikes me as he had no contact with them for 5 years during the time we were together.
He froze our joint bank account as well. It's like he's still here but he isn't, and I don't know how to move on.

I addressed him several times about his mental state of mind. He would get very passively aggressive and point out all my flaws, which I agree it's never black and white, you're both equally responsible. But how can I help him when he's blocked me out of his life?

This is only a short summary of what has happened, many more things happened but my assuming on him being BPD are;

Self harm
Egotistic
Weightloss
Emotionally detached or overly attached
Mood swings
Always tired
Stomach pains
Impulsive behavior
Aggression
Feeling sorry for himself
Not having friends neither being able to keep them
Distancing himself from family
Feeling worthless and thinking he did nothing wrong, it always someone else
Lying and deceiving
Suicide threats

Would be nice to read other people's perspective on this

[amunt]

You say 6 years ? I believed Borderlines cant stay so long to a relationship.

Anyway its very difficult for you but you can do it. Focus on yourself you dont need all this drama
and you will be way better

[SoMadSoSad]

You say 6 years ? I believed Borderlines cant stay so long to a relationship.

Anyway its very difficult for you but you can do it. Focus on yourself you dont need all this drama
and you will be way better
[/quote

Look at the topic below this one. Its about a relationship with a borderline that lasted 20 years.

[xDash]

You say 6 years ? I believed Borderlines cant stay so long to a relationship.

Anyway its very difficult for you but you can do it. Focus on yourself you dont need all this drama
and you will be way better

Nearly 6 years yes, with many ups and downs because he can't face the reality like everyday people can... He doesn't seem to want help.

I do try and focus, but it's ever so hard with all these questions haunting through my head

[heartandwhole]

Hi xDash,



I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Being left out of the blue like that is so very painful and shocking. I would have felt shattered, just like you. In fact, I DID feel shattered when my relationship with someone with BPD ended abruptly, but at least in my case, we were able to say goodbye. I can understand your feelings of not knowing how to move on—that is so understandable. 

I'm glad you decided to post, because you've found a wonderful place for support. The members here have been where you are and understand how devastating it can feel to lose a partner. We also understand that these kinds of breakups are not like "normal" breakups: there is a lot more at stake, because the relationship was so emotionally loaded from the start. You can also learn everything you ever wanted to know about BPD here, which will help you understand the underlying reasons for this kind of impulsive behavior.

Of course, only professional can diagnose someone with BPD, and certainly not over the internet. What I can say is that this kind of abrupt departure is nothing new to the members of the forum, unfortunately. The diagnosis is not as important as dealing with the facts of his behavior. We can help you with that. 

How are you holding up, xDash? Are you able to eat and get enough rest? Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on?

You listed some symptoms that your partner exhibited and want to know if they sound like BPD. Here is information that will help:

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

Keep writing, xDash, it really helps. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole