Do BPD love bomb?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I read about narcissist and sociopaths doing it,

But I don't know, it's harsh to label.
My ex certainly 'love bombed' me, and wanted to move in pretty fast.
Are those signs?

[xDash]

I read about narcissist and sociopaths doing it,

But I don't know, it's harsh to label.
My ex certainly 'love bombed' me, and wanted to move in pretty fast.
Are those signs?

[Splitblack4good]

Yes I think it's a common BPD trait my ex love bombed me and all my replacments . It's all part the idolisation phase . When you get split black someone else then gets the attention . Then when your white again you get a little bit of love bombing again but not as much as the first time round . My exBPDgf love bombed me so much at the start it was uncomfotable !

[xDash]

Yes I think it's a common BPD trait my ex love bombed me and all my replacments . It's all part the idolisation phase . When you get split black someone else then gets the attention . Then when your white again you get a little bit of love bombing again but not as much as the first time round . My exBPDgf love bombed me so much at the start it was uncomfotable !

My ex vanished two weeks ago, not a word since. Only told police he has no interest in me anymore.
He's now with his mum who he didn't speak to for 5 years. Really has ruined me as it's really be idealize, devalue, discard.

[heartandwhole]

Hi xDash,

Yes, a pwBPD does often love bomb in my understanding. It's pretty intoxicating to feel so accepted and loved for just being ourselves, right? I felt like he understood me and cared like no other. Sometimes it felt very uncomfortable—too much. That was my intuition telling me that something was amiss.    Today, I understand the idealization that people with BPD often engage in to deeply connect with someone.

How do you feel about your ex's love bombing now?

Here is a very informative article on how many BPD relationships evolve:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

heartandwhole

[xDash]

Hi xDash,

Yes, a pwBPD does often love bomb in my understanding. It's pretty intoxicating to feel so accepted and loved for just being ourselves, right? I felt like he understood me and cared like no other. Sometimes it felt very uncomfortable—too much. That was my intuition telling me that something was amiss.    Today, I understand the idealization that people with BPD often engage in to deeply connect with someone.

How do you feel about your ex's love bombing now?

Here is a very informative article on how many BPD relationships evolve:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

heartandwhole

After two weeks of thinking about it all I feel rather silly, to believe in it all I mean. I've blamed myself for many years for not being good enough. He actually made me feel like I was the one who needed help, to the point I believed it.

He also moved in with me 3 months in the relationship, I thought of it odd but now I realize he just wanted to be somewhere he could take control, as he had no emotional connection with his mother or family, neither had actual friends.

It's so odd the impact they leave behind.

I just wonder wether he'll get in touch again after vanishing and discarding me this way

[Infern0]

Yes, mine certainly did.

It's a sure red flag now, I have never had a girl show ME so much interest and pursue ME to that extent. A girl who likes you will hint at it and make it easy for you for sure but mine literally chased me down and it was as soon as I worked with her just one time and had a fun shift with her she just chased me down.

I mean I was a low self esteem guy and she was beautiful so I wrote it off as her just being friendly or whatnot until the point she basically jumped me in my bedroom.

After that yeah love bombed for a couple of months with constant texting, hanging out all the time etc etc. Until she devalued me which happened so fast it actually gave me a nervous breakdown.

As a poster above said each time you are split white it gets less intense though I went from

The most amazing guy in the world

To

An amazing guy

To

a pretty great guy

To

A good guy

To

An OK guy

[Infern0]

Hi xDash,

Yes, a pwBPD does often love bomb in my understanding. It's pretty intoxicating to feel so accepted and loved for just being ourselves, right? I felt like he understood me and cared like no other. Sometimes it felt very uncomfortable—too much. That was my intuition telling me that something was amiss.    Today, I understand the idealization that people with BPD often engage in to deeply connect with someone.

How do you feel about your ex's love bombing now?

Here is a very informative article on how many BPD relationships evolve:

How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

heartandwhole

After two weeks of thinking about it all I feel rather silly, to believe in it all I mean. I've blamed myself for many years for not being good enough. He actually made me feel like I was the one who needed help, to the point I believed it.

He also moved in with me 3 months in the relationship, I thought of it odd but now I realize he just wanted to be somewhere he could take control, as he had no emotional connection with his mother or family, neither had actual friends.

It's so odd the impact they leave behind.

I just wonder wether he'll get in touch again after vanishing and discarding me this way

It's funny because mine wanted to move in with me after 3 months but I had serious doubts about her level of commitment so I didn't do it, that caused the first devaluation and she started dating one of her orbiters instead and moved in with him within a month

Jeez looking back I shake my head at what I fell for

Also beware the recycle, I several times thought it was the end then when I least expect it comes a call or text from her

[xDash]

Yes, mine certainly did.

It's a sure red flag now, I have never had a girl show ME so much interest and pursue ME to that extent. A girl who likes you will hint at it and make it easy for you for sure but mine literally chased me down and it was as soon as I worked with her just one time and had a fun shift with her she just chased me down.

I mean I was a low self esteem guy and she was beautiful so I wrote it off as her just being friendly or whatnot until the point she basically jumped me in my bedroom.

After that yeah love bombed for a couple of months with constant texting, hanging out all the time etc etc. Until she devalued me which happened so fast it actually gave me a nervous breakdown.

As a poster above said each time you are split white it gets less intense though I went from

The most amazing guy in the world

To

An amazing guy

To

a pretty great guy

To

A good guy

To

An OK guy

Mine lasted 6 years, relationship I mean. It was stable for a while but he was never satisfied.
Then two weeks ago he vanished out of the blue.

Got me and my family so fooled. Telling my mother she was the mother he never had, being so close with my younger brother. Everyone is hurting.

Not sure wether he'll contact me again. I hope he does as I want some sort of explanation

[xDash]

Jeez looking back I shake my head at what I fell for

Also beware the recycle, I several times thought it was the end then when I least expect it comes a call or text from her

I believed the stories of how bad his home life were, so my parents allowed him to stay.

You reckon they purposely cut off all contact to hurt us ?

[Lonely_Astro]

Not sure wether he'll contact me again. I hope he does as I want some sort of explanation

I can tell you from experience that at some point he'll most likely get back in touch. While some pwBPD don't ever do it, it seems the vast majority do.  It may be days, weeks, months, or even years... .but they will get back in touch (and also it's for selfish reasons on their part). The other thing I can tell you from experience is that if they give you any explanation, it will be unsatisfying to you to hear it. It doesn't change the fact of what they did to you.

My ex, who is diagnosed with BPD, gave me many explanations as to why she left me after a year long R/s. Maybe some of them were true, but that didn't detract from the fact that she had been dating my replacement before we were officially  over and that she had done many horrible things to me during the year we were together (some I knew about, others I didn't). She talked to me the entire time. She gave me closure. Many told me to consider myself lucky, as very rarely do they give that. Sure, she did, but it felt so hollow to me.

That brings me to the present. I work with my ex and my replacement (yay me!), So I have to see them all the time. I haven't really spoken very much to her in several months.  So why mention that?  Because she is attempting now to "have something" with me.  I'm in a R/s and she is too, but she wants us to be back together (emotionally and physically - she said as much). She is idealizing me all over again. So, you see, even if it appears over, for them it never really is.

What's important now is that you (and your family) take the time to grieve the loss of your ex.  It is a loss. Decide what you want to do if/when he comes back. Decide if you want the life where you're the caretaker, the adult, the punching bag, the one who always pours everything into the R/s with no expectations of ever getting anything back or decide that, in the end, he did a favor to you by leaving, process and mourn the relationship and it's end... .mourn him and eventually let go. He isn't the key to your happiness; that's you.

Big hug!  Keep posting and keep healing.

[steelwork]

Hey there xDash,

Sorry for what's happened. As you can see, you're far from alone. It does get better. And yeah, love bombed. And yeah, it made me uncomfortable. It was weird in the end when he would withdraw, come back, and tentatively put me back on the pedestal. Saying things like what I great girl I am, the best, almost like he was trying to convince himself again. He called it being "pedestally."

Not sure wether he'll contact me again. I hope he does as I want some sort of explanation

Allow me to rephrase this for you.

"I hope he contacts me, but only with some sort of explanation."

Just because you hear from him again, doesn't mean anything will be clarified. He likely doesn't understand what happened himself, after all!

[xDash]

Not sure wether he'll contact me again. I hope he does as I want some sort of explanation

I can tell you from experience that at some point he'll most likely get back in touch. While some pwBPD don't ever do it, it seems the vast majority do.  It may be days, weeks, months, or even years... .but they will get back in touch (and also it's for selfish reasons on their part). The other thing I can tell you from experience is that if they give you any explanation, it will be unsatisfying to you to hear it. It doesn't change the fact of what they did to you.

My ex, who is diagnosed with BPD, gave me many explanations as to why she left me after a year long R/s. Maybe some of them were true, but that didn't detract from the fact that she had been dating my replacement before we were officially  over and that she had done many horrible things to me during the year we were together (some I knew about, others I didn't). She talked to me the entire time. She gave me closure. Many told me to consider myself lucky, as very rarely do they give that. Sure, she did, but it felt so hollow to me.

That brings me to the present. I work with my ex and my replacement (yay me!), So I have to see them all the time. I haven't really spoken very much to her in several months.  So why mention that?  Because she is attempting now to "have something" with me.  I'm in a R/s and she is too, but she wants us to be back together (emotionally and physically - she said as much). She is idealizing me all over again. So, you see, even if it appears over, for them it never really is.

What's important now is that you (and your family) take the time to grieve the loss of your ex.  It is a loss. Decide what you want to do if/when he comes back. Decide if you want the life where you're the caretaker, the adult, the punching bag, the one who always pours everything into the R/s with no expectations of ever getting anything back or decide that, in the end, he did a favor to you by leaving, process and mourn the relationship and it's end... .mourn him and eventually let go. He isn't the key to your happiness; that's you.

Big hug!  Keep posting and keep healing.

Thank you!

It's odd, you don't see it coming and I still have a hard time accepting he would just walk out without a word...

It's like they hold no emotional attachment to anything. Not even his belongings or dog?
I know from what he's told me in the past, he always crawls back into people's life. Usually by soggy messages.

I know it'll be all excuses when he does, and of course blame me as I'm the reason of his misfortune.

[xDash]

Hey there xDash,

Sorry for what's happened. As you can see, you're far from alone. It does get better. And yeah, love bombed. And yeah, it made me uncomfortable. It was weird in the end when he would withdraw, come back, and tentatively put me back on the pedestal. Saying things like what I great girl I am, the best, almost like he was trying to convince himself again. He called it being "pedestally."

Not sure wether he'll contact me again. I hope he does as I want some sort of explanation

Allow me to rephrase this for you.

"I hope he contacts me, but only with some sort of explanation."

Just because you hear from him again, doesn't mean anything will be clarified. He likely doesn't understand what happened himself, after all!

Quite right, I don't think he'll have an actually explanation. I just feel it's terribly hard to move on, he told me the day before he left

" I am here because I love you, and that won't change no matter what "

Not even 24 hours later he's vanished. So ruthless.

[steelwork]

It's hard to live with all these contradictory thoughts in your mind:

1. I was emotionally brutalized by this person.
2. I still feel loved and understood by the person he was a few weeks ago.
2. I feel compassion for this person, because I love him.
3. I am feeling hate for this person.
4. want comfort/explanations/love/closure from this person.
5. This person can't give me explanations or closure.

It's a big mess, and for a while you just have to hold all these warring ideas at arm's length and focus on anything that will bring the level of stress hormones in your body down, because they stop you from thinking straight (and will make you physically ill). You have to get stable so your head can gradually clear.

[xDash]

It's hard to live with all these contradictory thoughts in your mind:

1. I was emotionally brutalized by this person.
2. I still feel loved and understood by the person he was a few weeks ago.
2. I feel compassion for this person, because I love him.
3. I am feeling hate for this person.
4. want comfort/explanations/love/closure from this person.
5. This person can't give me explanations or closure.

It's a big mess, and for a while you just have to hold all these warring ideas at arm's length and focus on anything that will bring the level of stress hormones in your body down, because they stop you from thinking straight (and will make you physically ill). You have to get stable so your head can gradually clear.

Yep that sums it right up. I wish I didn't feel like it, but the situation makes you go mental yourself.

I'm glad I found BPD family, gives you such perspective and comfort to know we're not alone in all this

[Rayban]

Love bombing is the single biggest red flag I will never ignore again. It's the old adage, if something seems to good to be true then it probably isn't.

Some examples;

Mirroring my likes.

Treating me like a king.

Wanted to sleep together after first date.

Called me her soul mate after one month.

Was choosing children's names after 3 months

[xDash]

Love bombing is the single biggest red flag I will never ignore again. It's the old adage, if something seems to good to be true then it probably isn't.

Some examples;

Mirroring my likes.

Treating me like a king.

Wanted to sleep together after first date.

Called me her soul mate after one month.

Was choosing children's names after 3 months

Yeah that's what he did... Like the same music, ask my opinion on his clothing, hair all that.
Also wanted to sleep together on the first date, I put that off as being male back then...
He said I was the love of his life within a week of knowing each other, that was online...
He just didn't give me the time to see warning flags.
He consumed all my time and energy.

[C.Stein]

We all "love bomb" to some extent in the beginning of a relationship.  It is not the "love bombing" we need to be wary of but rather the level of intensity and the pace at which it occurs.

[xDash]

We all "love bomb" to some extent in the beginning of a relationship.  It is not the "love bombing" we need to be wary of but rather the level of intensity and the pace at which it occurs.

That we do, but I suppose not giving someone the chance to breathe or think about something else but yourself isn't healthy. Hey ho, if only we knew all these things right at the start. Would save a lot of heart ache

[Infern0]

Jeez looking back I shake my head at what I fell for

Also beware the recycle, I several times thought it was the end then when I least expect it comes a call or text from her

I believed the stories of how bad his home life were, so my parents allowed him to stay.

You reckon they purposely cut off all contact to hurt us ?

I don't know what is and what isn't intentional.

After my BPD relationship, we'll I'm still not recovered and I actually am now scared of commitment so I myself have distanced from a girl I really liked just because I started getting these horrible thoughts and feelings.

Not what I wanted to do but the fear of getting hurt again means I just had to.

So I have a bit more understanding of my BPD ex now, but it doesn't excuse ALL of the behaviours

[paperlung]

oh do they ever

[Infern0]

Love bombing is the single biggest red flag I will never ignore again. It's the old adage, if something seems to good to be true then it probably isn't.

Some examples;

Mirroring my likes.

Treating me like a king.

Wanted to sleep together after first date.

Called me her soul mate after one month.

Was choosing children's names after 3 months

The too good to be true thing is 100%

I remember thinking to myself even near the beginning when things were AMAZING I was like "this won't last, surely this is too good to be true"

I always thought that, my gut instinct was just telling me there's something wrong here, but at that stage there wasn't much of a reason to think that.

These days I have learned to trust my gut, ignoring it then was a huge downfall and for many other occasions during our RS I'd have a gut feeling something was going on but I'd ignore it and it would end up being true.

From now on, ALWAYS going with the gut feeling.

[Dutched]

Was it love bombing?

Both persons feel attracted, so both idealize to a certain extend as part of exploring the other person.
Still nothing wrong with that, it is a natural process.

Now looking at ourselves, weren’t we the one that were thrilled by finding a person that almost immediately answered to our ideals, interests, being placed on a pedestal?
Becoming closer and then listening to the difficulties the other had to endure, which triggered feelings of injustice, our moral and values, intensified our care and love for that person.

In hindsight we know the ‘trap’, the red flags.  
A person as a chameleon that craves for love, that needs an attachment to fill their half core

Lifewriter16 just posted this
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299134.0
"Killing Me Softly With His Song"

indentifying with their pain... .

[BorisAcusio]

she started dating one of her orbiters instead and moved in with him within a month

I would be cautious with this terminology, as it is relying on hierarchical one- upmanship — an essentially narcissistic agenda (same goes for the popular alpha male nonsense). From an unbiased third perspective point of view, both of you were "orbiters" at some point.

[C.Stein]

After my BPD relationship, we'll I'm still not recovered and I actually am now scared of commitment so I myself have distanced from a girl I really liked just because I started getting these horrible thoughts and feelings.

I would recommend you take the time to recover and heal before you get involved in another relationship. 

[pgri8684]

Was it love bombing?

Both persons feel attracted, so both idealize to a certain extend as part of exploring the other person.
Still nothing wrong with that, it is a natural process.

Now looking at ourselves, weren’t we the one that were thrilled by finding a person that almost immediately answered to our ideals, interests, being placed on a pedestal?
Becoming closer and then listening to the difficulties the other had to endure, which triggered feelings of injustice, our moral and values, intensified our care and love for that person.

In hindsight we know the ‘trap’, the red flags.  
A person as a chameleon that craves for love, that needs an attachment to fill their half core

In a few words, the whole story of my R/S
I'm going to print and pin the paper just before my eyes

Thank you

[bus boy]

I was love bombed very little. But we moved fast.

[Pretty Woman]

Yes. This is why we become so hooked. They make us feel like the most unbelievable, wonderful person... .

Until they pull the rug out from under us.

So yes, they love bomb and we fall for it because of our own insecurities and feeling "complete" with their words of affection.

Until, their actions stop matching their words. That's when the   start.


If your relationship is never like the "love bombing" stage years later that's a you might be dating a BPD. I think we all struggle to get back to the "good stage" because that filled a huge void in us. It never happens in one of these relationships because they never really loved us... .it was the words.

[xDash]

Yes. This is why we become so hooked. They make us feel like the most unbelievable, wonderful person... .

Until they pull the rug out from under us.

So yes, they love bomb and we fall for it because of our own insecurities and feeling "complete" with their words of affection.

Until, their actions stop matching their words. That's when the   start.


If your relationship is never like the "love bombing" stage years later that's a you might be dating a BPD. I think we all struggle to get back to the "good stage" because that filled a huge void in us. It never happens in one of these relationships because they never really loved us... .it was the words.

Yep. I feel he devalued me for 4 years  

The first year was all love letters, doing this to make me feel better, point out how special I was to him.

The 4 years well, he would say and text sweet things but then act different upon his words. To the point I thought I was being deluded and needed help, as that's how he made me feel.

This year he had anger outburst, even ended up ripping his shirt from his body because I pointed out his attitude and selfishness made me feel unhappy and insecure. He was only happy this year when something happened in his favor. Like a new car

[Pretty Woman]

xdash,
    Keep in mind, the car is material and a temporary fix. It didn't really make him happy. It's a temporary distraction.

Four years is a long time. The healing process takes longer in these relationships. They are very psychologically damaging. Be good to yourself. Don't beat yourself up over your feelings. Keep posting and try to work through things. I know it's hard, none of what we went through is very rational. Try not to make sense of the senseless. Focus on you and why you stayed. That you can work with.