Identifying with their pain

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Today, I woke up with a song on my mind. It sums up what happened with my BPDxbf:

"Killing Me Softly With His Song"

I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him
To listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

I felt all flushed with fever
Embarassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters
And read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

He sang as if he knew me
In all my dark despair
And then he looked right through me
As if I wasn't there
And he just kept on singing
Singing clear and strong

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song... .

When my BPDxbf talked of his experiences, they resonated with me so strongly. I identified with him and felt both his pain and mine. I wanted to save him from his pain so he could save me from mine. Yet, he was oblivious to me, thinking that he was the only one who was suffering and in pain. I felt invisible to him. He resented me, resented my house, my friends, the happy family life he thinks I had as a child/have now. He perceives my life to be so much better than his and he hates me for it. He doesn't see my sadness, the pain from my own upbringing, the isolation, the loneliness and the deep emptiness from needing to be loved. It was always only ever about him.

Today, I feel very sad.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Today, I woke up with a song on my mind. It sums up what happened with my BPDxbf:

"Killing Me Softly With His Song"

I heard he sang a good song
I heard he had a style
And so I came to see him
To listen for a while
And there he was this young boy
A stranger to my eyes

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

I felt all flushed with fever
Embarassed by the crowd
I felt he found my letters
And read each one out loud
I prayed that he would finish
But he just kept right on

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song

He sang as if he knew me
In all my dark despair
And then he looked right through me
As if I wasn't there
And he just kept on singing
Singing clear and strong

Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song... .

When my BPDxbf talked of his experiences, they resonated with me so strongly. I identified with him and felt both his pain and mine. I wanted to save him from his pain so he could save me from mine. Yet, he was oblivious to me, thinking that he was the only one who was suffering and in pain. I felt invisible to him. He resented me, resented my house, my friends, the happy family life he thinks I had as a child/have now. He perceives my life to be so much better than his and he hates me for it. He doesn't see my sadness, the pain from my own upbringing, the isolation, the loneliness and the deep emptiness from needing to be loved. It was always only ever about him.

Today, I feel very sad.

Lifewriter x

[Sadly]

It's a beautiful song LW. I'm so sorry you are sad today. I am sad too, but know this, you answered my posts, you have helped lift some of my sadness by being here and caring enough. I do for you.   xx

[C.Stein]

Why do you feel sad LW?  Help me understand your sadness and maybe I can understand my own a little better.

[Lifewriter16]

Why do you feel sad LW?  Help me understand your sadness and maybe I can understand my own a little better.

I've taken a few days to think about this and all that I can conclude is that I don't know. I think it is to do with there being a lonely, frightened, sad little girl within me. It was certainly the picture that my BPDxbf painted of himself as a sad, loney, frightened little boy that I identified with.

My challenge is to find a way to support myself through this sadness so I can express it and grieve appropriately. What I actually want to do, is RUN AWAY FROM IT. Why do I think I am unable to contain the experience of facing the child that I was? Surely I am strong enough to do that now?

I think I will try a guided meditation.

Love Lifewriter

[Larmoyant]

Hi Lifewriter, I can relate to the lonely, frightened, sad little girl within. Sometimes it feels as if I’ve regressed to a stage in my life as a scared, heartbroken five year old whose father abruptly abandoned her. It’s incredibly painful revisiting those long buried feelings (triggered by the BPD relationship) and it’s no wonder you want to run. Guided mediation sounds like a good way to access those feelings. I have most definitely benefited from letting these memories/feelings/emotions come up. I hope you do too. Let us know how it goes. 

[C.Stein]

My challenge is to find a way to support myself through this sadness so I can express it and grieve appropriately. What I actually want to do, is RUN AWAY FROM IT. Why do I think I am unable to contain the experience of facing the child that I was? Surely I am strong enough to do that now?

Do you think it might be a combination of a failed relationship (and envisioned future) along with the isolation you now face?  I think one of the reasons I am still sad is because of the loss of the beautiful future I had envisioned as potentially possible with my ex.  There are other reasons as well but I think this particular one is sitting at or near the core.