No way of contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

I wondered if anyone experienced their ex disappearing from all social media as well?
Must admit, mine wasn't really active on it anyway, but once he did his runner he removed all forms off contact, removed all social media like Facebook etc. (I know through friends, he hasn't just blocked me)
He hasn't updated his LinkedIn either, seems he's just vanished...

Do they do this often?

Also, do they hold and materialistic attachment?
My ex left all his belongings, clothing, toiletries, game consoles, laptop. Even dog. Does this not mean anything?

Sorry to keep on posting, just so lost in my own mind with all these questions. No one seems to care about how I feel, just tell me I'm better off.

[xDash]

I wondered if anyone experienced their ex disappearing from all social media as well?
Must admit, mine wasn't really active on it anyway, but once he did his runner he removed all forms off contact, removed all social media like Facebook etc. (I know through friends, he hasn't just blocked me)
He hasn't updated his LinkedIn either, seems he's just vanished...

Do they do this often?

Also, do they hold and materialistic attachment?
My ex left all his belongings, clothing, toiletries, game consoles, laptop. Even dog. Does this not mean anything?

Sorry to keep on posting, just so lost in my own mind with all these questions. No one seems to care about how I feel, just tell me I'm better off.

[insideoutside]

Hi

My friend would activate and deactivate his Facebook (even though like your ex he wasn't really active on it, had no friends on it or photos and used it as a medium for people to contact him on) each and every time he had a wobble.  He wouldn't just deactivate it but delete it completely then create a brand new one again.  I know this as past Facebook messages from him aren't visible, just says 'Facebook user'.  Its been five weeks since he discarded my friendship and came off of Facebook immediately and hasn't gone back on since.  I doubt he will for some time as my last email to him was scathing and hateful due to the hurt he was caused me.

I would say its not just limited to PWBPD as I have other friends who I class as 'normal' flounce off of Facebook at times; I've read its a form of emotional immaturity and a cry for attention. 

[xDash]

Hi

My friend would activate and deactivate his Facebook (even though like your ex he wasn't really active on it, had no friends on it or photos and used it as a medium for people to contact him on) each and every time he had a wobble.  He wouldn't just deactivate it but delete it completely then create a brand new one again.  I know this as past Facebook messages from him aren't visible, just says 'Facebook user'.  Its been five weeks since he discarded my friendship and came off of Facebook immediately and hasn't gone back on since.  I doubt he will for some time as my last email to him was scathing and hateful due to the hurt he was caused me.

I would say its not just limited to PWBPD as I have other friends who I class as 'normal' flounce off of Facebook at times; I've read its a form of emotional immaturity and a cry for attention. 

It's just odd. As if he doesn't exist anymore, that's how it makes me feel :/
He doesn't have friends, neither ever actually had any that would stick around... I just find it odd to imagine that the man who used to say I was all he had would just go into hiding with nothing but a mother he has no bond with... But perhaps that's just me

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi xDash-

Do they do this often?

While there are traits of the disorder and people who exhibit them often behave in similar, even somewhat predictable, ways, everyone's different, so there are limits to what we can say "they" do.  The one thing that jumped out for me was leaving his dog, since dogs are social animals and most dog owners connect emotionally with their dogs, an attachment to a borderline.

So as mysterious as all this is, how are you?  Having someone you're in a relationship just up and disappear can be very painful and confusing, and it's hard to know what to do or what to think.  There could be reasons for what he's doing that are explained in part by the disorder, but first, how are you doing at dealing with it?

[xDash]

Hi xDash-

Do they do this often?

While there are traits of the disorder and people who exhibit them often behave in similar, even somewhat predictable, ways, everyone's different, so there are limits to what we can say "they" do.  The one thing that jumped out for me was leaving his dog, since dogs are social animals and most dog owners connect emotionally with their dogs, an attachment to a borderline.

So as mysterious as all this is, how are you?  Having someone you're in a relationship just up and disappear can be very painful and confusing, and it's hard to know what to do or what to think.  There could be reasons for what he's doing that are explained in part by the disorder, but first, how are you doing at dealing with it?

I'm not dealing with it very well I must admit... It's like I'm grieving a person who's still alive.
I only know our last argument was forces related, because he wanted to join the army and I wasn't all game for that... Feel like I'm to blame, he made the application in July and never cancelled it. Perhaps he's waiting his time out at his mothers until he can join? I have no idea...

He loved his dog, always spent time with him. I have no idea how he could just close the door behind him and never look back

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm not dealing with it very well I must admit... It's like I'm grieving a person who's still alive.
I only know our last argument was forces related, because he wanted to join the army and I wasn't all game for that... Feel like I'm to blame, he made the application in July and never cancelled it. Perhaps he's waiting his time out at his mothers until he can join? I have no idea...

He loved his dog, always spent time with him. I have no idea how he could just close the door behind him and never look back

Yes, this is fresh for you xDash, 2 weeks after a 6 year relationship is no time at all.  And it's common for us to blame ourselves when that may or may not have anything to do with his motivations.

So what do you want to happen?

[xDash]

I'm not dealing with it very well I must admit... It's like I'm grieving a person who's still alive.
I only know our last argument was forces related, because he wanted to join the army and I wasn't all game for that... Feel like I'm to blame, he made the application in July and never cancelled it. Perhaps he's waiting his time out at his mothers until he can join? I have no idea...

He loved his dog, always spent time with him. I have no idea how he could just close the door behind him and never look back

Yes, this is fresh for you xDash, 2 weeks after a 6 year relationship is no time at all.  And it's common for us to blame ourselves when that may or may not have anything to do with his motivations.

So what do you want to happen?

In all fairness I have no idea. My emotions and feelings are all over the place... It's the words that haunt me, as I wrote before, the day before he left he actually told me I was the most important person in his life... .Why would he say that?

Because I figured out he started planning it a week upfront. He took his spare car key, work contract with petty excuses and kept lying to my face.

I won't ever say I was perfect the entire relationship, I think no one can be perfect all the time. Everyone has their share of guilt.

I just wonder why. The feeling of betrayal and abandonment are horrible. I can't even enter our room without feeling a rush of grief. It is so overwhelming

[C.Stein]

I just wonder why. The feeling of betrayal and abandonment are horrible. I can't even enter our room without feeling a rush of grief. It is so overwhelming

I can understand the grief and sadness as I also can't seem to escape it.  For myself I believe these feelings have persisted because I had convinced myself she would never do or say the things she did.  I believed in her and trusted her to the extent where I let her into my heart more than anyone in my past.  Her hurtful words and actions still haunt me to this day ... .as well as all the good and loving words and actions.

I have had, and still are having, an exceptionally difficult time accepting her for what she is in totality.  I don't want to believe she is anything but who I believed her to be and I have to continually remind myself that this person, who I love so deeply, is merely an illusion ... .a mirage.  I also believe my difficulties are due to being unable to accept I was so wrong about her and more importantly didn't have the strength and presence of mind to walk away when she showed me her true character right in the beginning.  

[xDash]

I just wonder why. The feeling of betrayal and abandonment are horrible. I can't even enter our room without feeling a rush of grief. It is so overwhelming

I can understand the grief and sadness as I also can't seem to escape it.  For myself I believe these feelings have persisted because I had convinced myself she would never do or say the things she did.  I believed in her and trusted her to the extent where I let her into my heart more than anyone in my past.  Her hurtful words and actions still haunt me to this day ... .as well as all the good and loving words and actions.

I have had, and still are having, an exceptionally difficult time accepting her for what she is in totality.  I don't want to believe she is anything but who I believed her to be and I have to continually remind myself that this person, who I love so deeply, is merely an illusion ... .a mirage.  I also believe my difficulties are due to being unable to accept I was so wrong about her and more importantly didn't have the strength and presence of mind to walk away when she showed me her true character right in the beginning.  

That's really spot on. It's being in love with a fantasy, it's what makes it so hard. Just like you, I keep reminding myself of all the sweet gestures and words, when really I should ban them from my mind.

[C.Stein]

That's really spot on. It's being in love with a fantasy, it's what makes it so hard. Just like you, I keep reminding myself of all the sweet gestures and words, when really I should ban them from my mind.

No matter where you turn you get the knife.  When the memories of the good prevail the sadness and grief overwhelm you and the knife is thrust into your heart once again.  To center yourself you remind yourself of all the hurtful things that were done and said and the knife comes out of the heart and goes into your back and gut.  It seems like a never ending cycle that you simply can't escape no matter how much you want to.

It does get better, believe in that.  I may get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better.  

[fromheeltoheal]

In all fairness I have no idea. My emotions and feelings are all over the place... It's the words that haunt me, as I wrote before, the day before he left he actually told me I was the most important person in his life... .Why would he say that?

One possibility is he meant it at the time and his mental state was so unstable, a trait of the disorder when triggered by intimacy, and then he meant the opposite quickly and acted on it.  The other possibility is he had already made a decision and wanted to avoid any confrontation or drama, so he led you to believe everything was hunky dory until he bailed.

Because I figured out he started planning it a week upfront. He took his spare car key, work contract with petty excuses and kept lying to my face.

And there's possibility number 2.

I just wonder why. The feeling of betrayal and abandonment are horrible. I can't even enter our room without feeling a rush of grief. It is so overwhelming.

I'm sorry xDash, I've been there and that is a very painful place.  One thing we do know is open, honest communication wasn't happening between you near the end, not necessarily anyone's fault, that's just how the dynamic of the relationship went.  So the things you can control right now are to take very good care of yourself, eating, sleeping, hydrating, maybe a little exercise, and distractions are good right now as long as they don't make it worse; going on a short trip somewhere away from it all might help, a drinking binge won't, for example.  And then, it's helpful to look at the relationship as objectively as you can, difficult right now I realize, and get clear on if he came back suddenly, would you want to continue the relationship with him?

[xDash]

One possibility is he meant it at the time and his mental state was so unstable, a trait of the disorder when triggered by intimacy, and then he meant the opposite quickly and acted on it.  The other possibility is he had already made a decision and wanted to avoid any confrontation or drama, so he led you to believe everything was hunky dory until he bailed.

It might well be, that he wanted to avoid confrontation. However, I did ask nearly all week wether something was up, which he firmly denied. He never had to tell me he loved me, he did that voluntarily. As well acting silly in the car the night before his runner, singing along, acting as if nothing was wrong. I can't imagine that is just avoiding confrontation.

I try to keep my mind off it, but it's impossible. We had so many plans, or at least I thought we did and I feel really lost now. Out of everyone I know he was the only one I believed I'd never lose, guess I was wrong.

Right now if he came back I probably would continue the relationship without thinking twice, 'cause whatever he did my feelings sadly haven't changed, would be a lot easier if they did. However, he has never done this to me, cut me out like that. So to me chances of him returning are very slim... .Considering he believed I was a horrible person to him. Just from his past, I know he has the tendency of going back to people. Not sure if with me it'll be the same.

[JRT]

Many of the questions that I had regarding the behavior of my exfiance wBPD have been answered here over time... .I have come to realize what motivated some of her strange behaviors and ultimately her disappearing act.

Like yours, mine left a significant amount of personal property here. Much of which was family 'keepsake' kind of stuff that could never be replaced. Although she blocked me, I made it available more than once to her through various channels but she refused to collect it. As she had recycled several times in the past, I always figured that it was important enough stuff for her to consider it an open door to come back. But that never happened.

On the other hand, she kept a number of items that surprised me, our engagement ring being one of them. Although not of considerable worth, I had to sue her in small claims court in order to get it back. She responded to this by invoking favors through her employer to escalate the case to a full trial! Hardly worth the value of the ring and odd that she would fight it that forcefully. Ultimately she wrote a check to me for its value as she had no way to prove that she returned it (as she contended... .I KNEW that she kept it... .but why?).

Although mine didn't disappear from social media, she blocked me and convinced all of her friends (what few she had) and her family not only to unfriend me, but to block me. This effort continued even a year later!

I can't tell you that this is typical or not, but at least in my case there was some similar behavior.

[xDash]

I always figured that it was important enough stuff for her to consider it an open door to come back. But that never happened.

He didn't take anything, just the car.

I take it she never came back after that time?

[Pipedreamer25]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through Dash.   It sounds like exactly what I'm going through too. What you said about grieving someone who is still alive like they're dead really resonated  My dBPD exbf just took up and left.  There is so much of his stuff here.  An expensive coat, the xbox, important cards and mail etc etc being in our apartment alone is really hard.  This time to me feels its feels like he is actually leaving.  I'm trying very hard to see this time as a gift,  I've suddenly got all this time to focus on myself for the first time in years.  But it is hard,  just know that you're not crazy and don't be hard on yourself for not taking the break up 'well' - whatever that means.  Feel what you need to feel and take care of yourself.

As for the social media I've had the opposite experience.  The ex is already posting all these cutsey statuses and links to every Tom, Dick, Harry and their dogs.  I've had to do a social media detox.

Sending hugs.

[JRT]

I always figured that it was important enough stuff for her to consider it an open door to come back. But that never happened.

He didn't take anything, just the car.

I take it she never came back after that time?

correct... .she did not. Its been two years as of yesterday. There is no replacement but I do know that her life is not going very well. She is not your typical pwBPD; a hermit/waif.

[shatra]

JRT wrote--Although mine didn't disappear from social media, she blocked me and convinced all of her friends (what few she had) and her family not only to unfriend me, but to block me. This effort continued even a year later!

---Why does she insist that her friends block you?

----Re: no replacement for her, it is a possibility that she still has you in her heart/thoughts/fantasies, and wanted to keep the ring as sort of an emblem of you?

[Indifferent28]

My ex sort of became the opposite.
She began getting on social media more and her posts were more towards herself more than anything.
More "selfies", more posts/quotes about her idealized love for her new GF, less focus on previous posts.

A whole new personality.

[JRT]

JRT wrote--Although mine didn't disappear from social media, she blocked me and convinced all of her friends (what few she had) and her family not only to unfriend me, but to block me. This effort continued even a year later!

---Why does she insist that her friends block you?

----Re: no replacement for her, it is a possibility that she still has you in her heart/thoughts/fantasies, and wanted to keep the ring as sort of an emblem of you?

Hey Shatra,

Your guess is as good as mine and if you have any theories, I am open to hearing them, (apologies for hijacking the thread in this way). I suspect that allowing connections with people that know her might eventually negate her distortion campaign (what little that i have heard is that I was controlling, a narcissist, a stalker, etc. none even remotely true; I treated her exceptionally well.). Maintaining a connection would enable the truth I suspect. She had unfriended each and every person that she met through me within a couple of hours of cutting me off and disappearing. Her efforts to have people unfriend and block me continued months later. Only one person remains... .

As for the ring, I am absolutely certain that she was desperate to keep the ring for the connection. It was really weird, she was very 'loud' about her efforts to sell a ring  from a man that she used to be engaged to. In retrospect, I think that this was a smokescreen for me to see and that that ring and my ring were a token of a relationship that she could not maintain due to her demons.

The interesting thing with her is that there really doesn't seem to be a replacement at all. She is not even dating nor has she in 2 years (long story on the source). I suspect that she still maintains that connection... .maybe like she is going to pick it up again or some such... .or fantasizes about our life together; just guessing but this is what seems to make the most sense to me.

Although if people wear their troubles on their faces, skin, bodies; she must be hurting badly as she looks incredibly unhealthy, older than her age and not getting a ton of sleep. She cut off all of her beautiful long hair which she swore that she would NEVER do (I understand that this is a sing of crises for some women) she looks horrible.

[xDash]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through Dash.   It sounds like exactly what I'm going through too. What you said about grieving someone who is still alive like they're dead really resonated  My dBPD exbf just took up and left.  There is so much of his stuff here.  An expensive coat, the xbox, important cards and mail etc etc being in our apartment alone is really hard.  This time to me feels its feels like he is actually leaving.  I'm trying very hard to see this time as a gift,  I've suddenly got all this time to focus on myself for the first time in years.  But it is hard,  just know that you're not crazy and don't be hard on yourself for not taking the break up 'well' - whatever that means.  Feel what you need to feel and take care of yourself.

As for the social media I've had the opposite experience.  The ex is already posting all these cutsey statuses and links to every Tom, Dick, Harry and their dogs.  I've had to do a social media detox.

Sending hugs.

It's just very hard to get over...

Today I received his payslip through the post, very odd as he usually received them in hand. Just think it's also odd he changed his car and insurance address but failed to notify his employer?

It's leaving me so shattered... Everyone says I should move on and be happy, but I'm not as he's never done this before! He's completely vanished from the face of the earth and it does my head in not knowing why or how...

Send hugs back 

[Fr4nz]

Hey xDash,

sorry that you're enduring these things.
It seems that your ex ghosted you... .it's a really terrible and extreme behaviour, from an emotional point of view.

I think that his disappearing FB act is related to the ghosting; indeed, per sè the disappearing act from FB is not a common pattern among BPDs... .while ghosting is related to the "split black" thing and the inability to face the shame stemming from their dysfunctional behaviours -- i.e., they do something very wrong to their partner, or they cannot stay in the r/s anymore for some reason related to their dysfunctional personality, and instead of discussing things civilly like adults do, they just fly away.

From what it happened to me, and from what I've seen in almost 2 years in this forum, in many cases they unfriend/block you in FB and go on with their lives (and their FB account).
Also, it is not uncommon that they pretend (on FB) to have a perfect life after you, and even parade the new partner (if any).

[xDash]

Hey xDash,

sorry that you're enduring these things.
It seems that your ex ghosted you... .it's a really terrible and extreme behaviour, from an emotional point of view.

I think that his disappearing FB act is related to the ghosting; indeed, per sè the disappearing act from FB is not a common pattern among BPDs... .while ghosting is related to the "split black" thing and the inability to face the shame stemming from their dysfunctional behaviours -- i.e., they do something very wrong to their partner, or they cannot stay in the r/s anymore for some reason related to their dysfunctional personality, and instead of discussing things civilly like adults do, they just fly away.

From what it happened to me, and from what I've seen in almost 2 years in this forum, in many cases they unfriend/block you in FB and go on with their lives (and their FB account).
Also, it is not uncommon that they pretend (on FB) to have a perfect life after you, and even parade the new partner (if any).

The thing is I would understand the ghosting after explaining he couldn't continue the relationship.

Now he's just vanished, living a troubled life with his mother and no personal belongings anymore. Surely that can't just be because of his emotions or whatever?
It's all very odd as all was fine- or so I thought.

[Fr4nz]

Well, the point in ghosting is to disappear, especially without giving prior notice
Otherwise, it wouldn't be a proper ghosting... .

Another thing you said, I.E., that he left behind his stuff... .it could be also a way to leave the door open, so at some point in the future he may reappear with the excuse of claiming something back.

In other words, it's a way to maintain some kind of attachment, so that he may come back IF and  WHEN HE wants. Obviously, don't wait for him... .try to focus on yourself and on your well-being; believe me, you dodged a bullet.

A big hug

[xDash]

Well, the point in ghosting is to disappear, especially without giving prior notice
Otherwise, it wouldn't be a proper ghosting... .

Another thing you said, I.E., that he left behind his stuff... .it could be also a way to leave the door open, so at some point in the future he may reappear with the excuse of claiming something back.

In other words, it's a way to maintain some kind of attachment, so that he may come back IF and  WHEN HE wants. Obviously, don't wait for him... .try to focus on yourself and on your well-being; believe me, you dodged a bullet.

A big hug

From past references he tends to crawl back...
In a sense I want him to, not to proceed the relationship, but because I need closure...
Why would you ghost someone you've lived with for over 5 years? I always believed it happened in the dating stage... Oh well.
The pain and stress are unbearable, I just hold onto that better things may arise

 

[Fr4nz]

Why would you ghost someone you've lived with for over 5 years? I always believed it happened in the dating stage... Oh well.
The pain and stress are unbearable, I just hold onto that better things may arise

 

That's why it's a ugly disorder dear... .it's the complete opposite of rational, mature thinking

It is what it is... .that's why they say here in the family that acceptance is a very important stage to reach.